Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

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On the count of three.

One, two, three!

Try the ring toss. Three for a quarter.

Look how easy it is.

There you go, a winner!

And now, for my shocking finale.

Not for the squeamish.

Not for the faint of heart.

I call my trick "The Jaws of Death.

Now. Say it. Say it.

Harold, use your awesome might

to save me from this hopeless plight.

No harm will come to you.

Alakazam!

Help me! Help me!

I'm going to be an actress.

Hard to believe it was last Christmas...

...that me and Harmony

changed the world.

And we didn't mean to.

And it didn't last long, you know.

A thing like that can't.

Now that I'm in L.A., I go to parties.

The kind where if a girl is named Jill...

...she spells it J-Y-L-L-E, that bullshit.

That's me there. My name's

Harry Lockhart, I'll be your narrator.

Welcome to L.A.

Welcome to the party.

The guy smoking, that's Dabney Shaw,

my producer. He discovered me.

The man with him is Perry Van Shrike,

a. .a. Gay Perry.

Honest-to-God private eye,

consults in film, TV. Just incorporated.

He's bigtime. Also, he's gay.

Don't start, Perry, huh?

I seen you play ball. You're tough.

But you see a naked guy...

...your brain says, "I want that.

I don't make that leap. It's like,

"Look, there's an elephant. Quick...

...let's drain its blood

to paint my boathouse. "

It's just that that's not the first thing

you think of.

L.A.

By now you may wonder

how I wound up here, or maybe not.

Maybe you wonder how Silly Putty

picks sh*t up from comic books.

Point is, I don't see another

goddamn narrator, so pipe down.

How did I get here? See for yourself.

Chloe, just run the name by me

one more time...

...because I must be

missing something.

I'm going nuts.

I've been through the store three times.

Cyber Agent. C-Y-B-E-

Why don't you ask...

- ... an employee or something?

- No, they're all busy.

"Protocop, protector of man. "

Is that it? Protocop? He protects men.

Uncle Harry, look around.

There are signs.

That show was cancelled two years ago.

Just ask- Wait, are they even open?

Yeah, it's holiday hours. Look-

Get away from the window.

- I gotta go, but I'll find this.

- Great.

- Sh*t, Harry, that sh*t went wrong!

- Give me the gun!

- No. Give me the bullets!

Freeze!

- You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

- We'll stand here and wait for the police.

Drop the gun. We didn't do anything.

We are not dangerous. Drop the gun.

- Hey, lady, gun is not loaded-

- Richie, no!

Richie!

Sh*t!

Oh, boy.

Take it easy.

Jesus. Oh, no, no.

We're not ready for you yet, sir.

- Go wait with the others.

- Grace, do me a favor, let's take him.

- He's ready. You're ready?

- Ready?

Okay, come on.

You know the setup?

Got any questions?

He's got no questions.

Look at him. Let's go.

Let's read.

- Where is he? Where's Raphael?

- Where is he?

Where's-?

Beat up on me all night. You want me

to give up my partner, you can go spit.

Quit acting like the good guy,

jerk-off.

You got your partner killed.

He was in over his head,

you knew it.

You may as well

have pulled the trigger.

You killed him!

No, I didn't- I didn't kill him.

He wanted in.

Why-?

Why?!

I didn't want him to come in on it.

He insisted.

I said, "Stay at home. " But he doesn't

listen. He's such a stupid son of a b*tch.

I killed him, didn't I?

Oh, f***, this is my fault. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, good luck.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Old school. Method.

- Studio.

- Brando. Put this in the pouch to L.A.

Get Gay Perry on the phone.

Now, get this, they're screen-testing me.

Is that wild?

One minute, I'm boosting Xboxes

in the East Village...

...the next,

I'm sipping champagne in L.A.

- Hi.

- Hey.

So, what do you do?

I'm retired.

I invented dice when I was a kid.

- How about you?

- I do a little acting.

I'm gonna see who else is here.

Anyway, that's how I got to the party.

Now, Harmony, different story.

Some will tell you she got here

on account of the giant robot.

I'll show you that in a minute.

But for me, robot-schmobot,

she was destined to be here.

Jeez, look at those stems, will you?

Not that that's what constitutes

why she should be here.

Yes, racist. I'm serious.

The other reindeer laughed at him.

Then, out of the blue, they need him.

He's as good as a fog light

or whatever.

You know what, so you tell me,

how is it any different than:

"Don't talk to Reggie, he's black.

Oh, wait, he can play basketball.

Sign him up. "

Rudolph, Reggie.

Harmony Faith Lane was your typical

L.A. girl, she wasn't from there.

She grew up in a burg

in southern Indiana.

"When in doubt, cut up a pig. "

That was the town motto.

Like most soon-to-be-f***ed-up girls,

Harmony was wicked smart.

Of course, credit where credit's due...

...she had a terrific mentor.

No, not her.

Him.

"'Go to hell, Johnny Gossamer!'

She poured herself

into a seamless dress.

From the looks of it,

she spilled some. "

Johnny spoke from the pages

of cheap paperbacks...

...and told of a promised land

known as "the Coast"...

...and a magical city

called Los Angeles.

As the years progressed,

she wished he was real.

Wished that he would come to Indiana

to save her little sister, Jenna.

You see, Papa was at her

night after night.

But Johnny never showed.

And then the guy

writing the books died.

Age 16, she split.

Took the bus to L.A.,

the promised land.

She'd get rich and famous

and then help little sis.

Before he died...

...the guy who wrote the books

said Johnny was a joke.

He wrote it for money,

and it was bullshit.

Harmony ignored this. She knew better.

I mean, who the hell was he?

He was just a writer.

And that's how she got

to the same party as me-

Oh, sh*t. I skipped something.

Damn it. This robot bit.

I made a big deal, then I forgot.

F***, bad narrating.

Like my dad telling a joke.

"Oh, wait, back up. I forgot to tell you

the cowboy rode a blue horse. " F***.

I don't know if you want to see it now,

but here's the f***ing robot stuff.

Can I say "f***" more?

Now back to Protocop,

starring Jeff Neal.

What the-?

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Sources close to Neal, who has not

worked as an actor in two years...

...say he seemed despondent

earlier tonight...

...during a rerun of Protocop.

The actor, who still retains a costume

he wore on the show...

...allegedly dressed up...

...stumbled down the bike path and

wandered into this Venice Beach house...

...where aspiring actress Harmony Faith

Lane was shocked to discover him.

I'd jog by, "Hi, hello, " you know,

that sort of thing.

- Who's this?

- I feel for the guy.

This city can't get enough

of messing with people.

Like putting a whoopee cushion

on the seat of an electric chair.

- Like that.

- They always do this.

You can never see below the waist.

It's like a Playmate in 1964.

It was always behind the bedpost

or there's a shadow. You never-

What am I telling you for?

Invite her to something.

And there it was. Bingo.

Destiny.

You know what,

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