Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Page #2

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you better be her doctor.

Walk away. Don't think, just do it.

What, are you her brother or something?

It's none of your business, man.

- I will f*** you up.

- No, you'll try.

And that little experiment

will end in tears, my friend.

So again, for the cheap seats,

do not think, walk the f*** away.

Or let's you and me

go outside right now.

It's past my bedtime.

Make a choice.

A**hole.

You all right?

Yeah.

Thanks, bro.

One day,

I'll actually learn how to fight.

- Perry Van Shrike.

- Hey. Harry Lockhart.

I heard about you. You're

the whatchamacallit, the consultant.

- You must be- Anyway....

- Gay Perry?

Yeah. Right.

Dabney calls you that.

- I guess you guys are old buddies.

- Five years.

Wow, five years.

- Still gay?

- Me? No.

I'm knee-deep in p*ssy. I just like the

name so much, I can't get rid of it.

You should know better than to fall

asleep at a party. There's freaks here.

Dabney wants you

to take detective lessons.

- Come again?

- For your acting.

I've got surveillance tomorrow.

You game?

What's the person like? Crime lord?

Please. I'm guessing some sad,

lonely little man...

...who single-handedly haunts his own

home in the Hollywood Hills.

That was incredibly gay.

- Good God. Ouch.

- Yeah, you should see the other guy.

Harry, this is our generous host,

Harlan Dexter.

Ah, yes, of course. You're Dabney's

golden boy from back East.

I hope it isn't past your bedtime.

No, sir. My mom used to say

I had the neon disease.

When the neon lights came on,

I woke up.

I'm afraid I'm similarly afflicted.

My daughter just lived 10 years in Paris.

She says it is heaven

for the vampire set.

If you'll excuse me, apparently I'm

meant to help cut this monstrosity.

Mom's gone, so it's just him

and his born-again little bundle of joy.

- Born-again? That's precious.

- Isn't it?

Three months ago, she was suing him

over Mom's millions.

He called her a- Well, a bad word.

C*nt. Welcome to Hollywood.

Okay, I apologize.

That is a terrible scene.

It's like, "Why was that in the movie?

Gee, you think maybe

it'll come back later, maybe?"

I hate that. A TV's on,

talking about the new power plant.

Wonder where the climax will happen.

Or that shot of the cook in

Hunt for Red October. Sorry.

Hi, thank you for coming.

Hey, do you know that blond gal

who just left?

Oh, the one with the guy

that beat the sh*t out of you? No.

Bye, have a better night.

She had something, that gal,

this quality.

Like the girl from high school...

...the one that got away. You know

what I mean? That haunts you still.

- Yeah, I had that.

- You did?

Bobby Mills.

Well, maybe you should

try to get in touch.

I got 5 bucks says

you could still get him.

Really? That's funny.

I got a 10 says, "Pass the pepper. "

I got two quarters harmonizing on

"Moonlight in Vermont. "

- What?

- Talking money.

- A talking monkey?

- Talking monkey, yeah.

Came here from the future.

Ugly sucker. Only says, "Ficus. "

Detective lessons tomorrow.

- Don't forget.

- Okay.

And Harry....

Come here.

That girl, I know her.

She's done some work for me.

Try the Domino Room.

Where's that?

- Hey there. I'm Flicka.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- Good. So, what do you do?

- I'm a private detective. And you?

- I'm a stewardess.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Well, nice to meet you.

- That it?

- Yeah.

- Yep.

Could I have a Jack and soda? Thanks.

Evening. Harry.

God, I'm sore.

I mean, physically, not like a guy

who's angry in a movie in the 1950s.

- Didn't I see you at a party hours ago?

- Why?

- Why what?

- Why me?

Seriously, why not the girl over there?

Look, she's very pretty.

Which one?

On the left,

next to Brazilian Billy Bob Thornton.

Oh, that's a bit of a reach.

I'm interrupting. I feel badly.

What are you drinking?

- Bad.

- Bad? Sorry?

- You feel bad.

- Bad?

"Badly" is an adverb. To say you

feel badly says that the mechanism...

- ...which allows you to feel is broken.

- Well, that one over there?

Between- Oh, God, nix, nix. That's-

- The blond. The blond's pathetic.

- Because?

For starters, she's been f***ed

more times than she's had hot meals.

I heard. It was neck and neck,

and then she skipped lunch.

- Worst thing, though....

- Do tell.

Worst thing is she's 35 years old

and still trying to act.

I see her at auditions all the time.

- It's over, baby. You missed.

- That's charitable of you.

May I ask how old you are?

- Go for it.

- Okay, how old are you?

- Thirty-four.

- Yeah?

- I'm a baby.

- Where's your buddy? The guy you-

- The guy you left the party with?

- He's a f***ing a**hole.

I just needed a ride.

Sorry, I swear a lot.

- I know. It's okay.

- Did you know the host?

- No.

- He looked familiar, though.

Probably an actor.

Go away, Mr. Fly.

- I was talking to your friend.

- She doesn't want to talk to you.

Sunshine, she'll be back to you

in a minute. Relax.

She doesn't have a minute.

Tell you what, if you change your mind

about that drink...

...I'll be over there

with Native American Joe Pesci.

- You are so....

- That was good, right?

Why are you humoring him? Stop it.

You know what,

there's an empty table over there.

I hear it's a recommended

cheeseball hangout.

Your mouth is a recommended place

to put a sock.

Princess. Scary friend.

Goddamn it.

Harry Lockhart, are you gonna

recognize me or what?

God! Embrey, Indiana!

Loves snakes, afraid of spiders.

Come on, remember?

You were Amazing Harry-

- No, no, no. Harold the Great.

- Harmony?

You cut me in half, remember?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, my God. How are you?

Okay, I was a bad narrator again...

...because the kid at the beginning,

the magician, that was me.

I don't want to put this on you...

...but if you've been paying attention,

I shouldn't have to-

Great. No wonder. Ma and Pa Kettle.

I got an idea.

Why not put these two lame-o extras

in front of the mammoth f***ing lens?

Boo. Scat. Fat lady, leave.

See there? "Harold. "

Remember how I said

this high school chick haunted me?

How seeing Harmony made me

think of her?

That's because it was her.

It all came flooding back.

How I was the one she confided in.

While she was doing every other guy.

It was the first time I felt

that how pitying someone...

...and wanting to f*** them

can get all tangled up in your head.

Overwhelming sadness.

Meanwhile, you got a Rodney.

Is that sick? I think-

Yeah, I think that's sick.

Leaving my sister back home,

leaving her there all alone....

Hardest thing I ever did.

Do you remember

when we were real little...

...and a movie crew came to town?

That mystery flick with the guy,

Johnny what's-his-name?

- Gossamer.

- Johnny Gossamer. Right.

Your mom went nuts,

and she bought all the books and stuff.

- That was- God, that was forever ago.

- Yeah, that was back in the day.

Harry...

...I didn't get famous.

Yet.

I did...

...get to do this one commercial.

You're shitting me. Which one?

Well, you know the one with the bear?

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