Kiss Me, Stupid Page #11

Big genius.

"We're going to be rich,"

you said.

"Just get rid of your wife

for one night."

Well, I got rid of her,

all right. Permanently!

She doesn't want to see me.

She doesn't want to talk to me.

That's what I'm trying

to tell you.

I've got a message from Zelda.

You fat, miserable,

no-good slob!

Get lost!

What message?

So I'm a fat slob, huh?

Well, come on. Come on.

I just talked to Zelda.

She wants to see you.

- She does?

- Uh-huh.

Oh, you beautiful man!

Where? When?

8:
00 tonight at her lawyer's.

Her lawyer?

Charlie Green.

You know, upstairs...

over Pringle's hardware store.

Why?

Why do you think? Divorce.

Divorce?

Oh, Barney, this is crazy.

I love her.

I know...

but that's the way she wants it.

Why don't you just bring me

a five-gallon can of gasoline...

and a match?

That's no way to talk...

because I'm gonna

be there, too...

as a witness.

Oh, good.

Then you can swear

how it was all your idea...

that you put me up to it.

You don't understand, Orville.

I'm going to be

a witness for her.

For her?

The way you treated

that poor girl.

You shouldn't

have done it, Orville.

I shouldn't?

Why, you fat, miserable slob.

See you at the lawyer's

at 8:
00 sharp.

Zelda, before we go up there,

I've got to talk to you.

I warn you, you're not

to make any statements...

except in the presence

of your lawyer.

You shut up!

The way I treated you

was unforgivable...

but if you'll forgive me...

everything will be

different from now on.

There will be

no more jealousy...

no more suspicion,

no more cross-examining.

And your eyes are not pink.

Too little and too late.

We've drawn up a temporary

property settlement.

You get the piano...

the pictures of Beethoven,

and the classical records.

She gets the popular records,

the bed, and the love seat.

Let's go.

Zelda, remember

five years ago...

when we exchanged

wedding rings...

we promised for richer,

poorer, better, worse?

Where is your ring?

My ring? Oh, yeah.

You want to know where it is?

It's in the shower.

Slipped off,

went down the drain.

You see, I've lost a lot

of weight since you left.

What's that song

they're playing?

Stick to the subject...

the case of the missing ring.

Don't worry, Zelda.

I'll get it back.

Maybe with a string

and a piece of chewing gum...

or better yet,

we'll... we'll call a plumber.

Either that's "Sophia,"

or somebody stole it from us.

And now, the star of our show...

direct from a successful

appearance at the bar...

Dino.

Dino?

Listen to me, Sophia

Have you any idea

How much you mean to me-a?

How much, you'll never know

If I'm all agitato

Every heartstring vibrato

I don't understand it.

Why would he sing our song

after what I did to him?

I guess the bigger they are...

the nicer they are.

Who but you made me so?

Look at it.

It's on all twelve sets!

Twelve sets, my eye.

Thirty million people

are watching this show.

A Nielsen rating of 21.7.

Did you hear that, darling? Do

you know what this means?

Sure.

I'll have Charlie Green

ask for more alimony.

- Zelda!

- Shh.

I can't hear my words.

Or from earth I resign

Oh, Sophia, be mine

Thank you. Thank you,

ladies and gentlemen.

Now, isn't it a gas, that song?

Found it myself...

and there's an interesting

story behind it.

I was on my way

back from Vegas...

and I stopped in a place

called Climax, Nevada.

Lovely little town...

and I heard one

of the natives humming a tune...

and as I drove away,

that melody kept haunting me...

you know...

so I turned around

and went back...

and there were these

two amateur songwriters...

Miller and Spoonsap,

uh, Moonsap and Spiller.

Millsap and Spooner.

Spooner and Millsap.

Well, anyway...

I stayed up all night

listening to their songs...

and tonight,

you're hearing one of them...

for the first time...

which just goes to prove...

that if you've got

what it takes...

sooner or later, somebody

will take what you've got...

baby.

Listen to me, Sophia

Have you any idea

Can we have your autographs?

This way, please.

How much, you'll never know

lmagine, just this morning,

he was checking my mother's oil.

I bet you're going to make,

like, a million dollars.

Who cares? In our bracket,

the government gets most of it.

Will you sign this for me?

Can't we try again, lambchop?

How would it look

when Barney and I...

are on "The Ed Sullivan Show"...

and he wants you

to stand up and take a bow...

and you're not in the audience?

You can always get someone to

take my place.

Who'll know the difference?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Will you sign this for me?

- Me, too.

- Here.

- Me, too.

- Me, too.

Listen to me, Sophia

He's no Valentino

Have you any idea

But there's no one we know

How much you mean to me-a?

Who can love like Dino

Oh, Sophia, be mine

All the others were so-so

Skinny like a pony

Not a one amoroso

Thin as macaroni

But with you, I'm aglow

Bang, bang.

Only you I adore

She's sweeter than spumoni

She's a manicurist I met.

I had my nails done

while you were gone.

- I'm not asking any questions.

- That's right.

There's going to be

no more questions.

Here. You'd better put this on.

My ring.

When our hearts intertwine

Where did you get it?

No questions, remember?

Oh, Sophia, be mine

I must be going out of my mind.

I can't figure out any of this.

Any of what?

I mean, the ring and the song

and the car and Dino.

How would you?

When did she?

Why would he?

Kiss me, stupid.

Oh, Sophia, be mine

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