Kiss Me, Stupid Page #10

I'm Polly the Pistol, remember?

I come highly recommended

by the bartender.

Well, I'm not the bartender,

and you're not Polly...

not tonight.

Tonight, we're Mr. And Mrs.

Orville J. Spooner.

Look at this mess.

What does the "j"

stand for?

James?

No.

Joseph?

Uh-uh.

Jasper?

Jeremiah.

I'm sorry I asked.

Don't throw that away.

There may be a deposit on it.

All right, dear.

Cold getting worse?

It's not my cold.

It's been a long day,

hasn't it?

Yes, dear.

Coming, Mrs. Spooner?

Hey, pal. Those gorgeous

cocktail waitresses...

I heard so much about...

Yes, sir?

Where are they?

This is it.

You must be kidding.

I've seen better navels on

oranges.

Take that redhead over there.

She was runner-up

to Miss Nevada.

What year? Come on, pal.

Where do you keep

the real stuff?

The most popular one

around here is Polly the Pistol.

Polly the Pistol?

You can't go wrong with her.

Fastest draw in the west.

Now you're talking.

Where is she?

Must be her night off.

Oh, that's too bad...

because I'd sure like

to shoot it out with her.

Why don't you

try the trailer?

That's where she lives,

right behind the place.

Which way?

That-a-way.

That way?

Well, if I'm not back by

morning...

you send a posse

out after me.

Bang!

Open up!

I know you're in there.

We got the place surrounded,

and I'm coming in to get you.

Who is it?

The Lone Ranger.

What do you want?

I told you. I'm lone.

I'm so lone like you

wouldn't believe.

Go away!

That's no way

to treat a customer.

Where do you keep your glasses?

Are you going to get out,

or do I have to call for help?

From what I hear, you don't

need any help, Polly baby.

You're...

you're Dino.

No names, please.

I thought I saw you

driving through town.

I didn't make it.

My car broke down.

They put me up

with some piano teacher.

Piano... Orville Spooner?

That's the joker.

What an evening.

What happened?

Ah, these amateurs, what they

won't do to sell a song.

He kept throwing his wife at me.

His wife?

Yeah. Get the scene?

I'm beginning to.

Not a bad-looking dame,

if you like home cooking...

but me, I like to eat out...

you know, Chinese one night...

a little French cuisine

another...

and a little delicatessen

in between.

Drink up, baby.

What song did he play you?

"Sophia"?

How did you know?

Did you like it?

I need another Italian song...

like a giraffe needs

a strep throat.

Well, I think Orville has a

lot of talent.

You know him?

See him almost every night.

He's one of my regulars.

That mousy little guy

with the Beethoven on his chest?

No. He's a real swinger.

What do you think

you're doing?

Guess.

No coaching from the audience.

Look. You don't understand.

This is my night off.

Well, it's my night on,

Polly, baby...

and if you're worried

about money, I tip large.

Anyway, in my opinion,

you're all wrong for it.

I'm all wrong for what?

That song.

I told Orville

he should send it...

to Bobby Darin or Elvis.

Elvis who?

I suppose you never

heard of the Beatles, either.

Oh, sure, and I can sing better

than all three of them.

There are four of them.

Oh, haven't you heard?

One of them got his hair

caught in his guitar...

and was electrocuted.

You can make jokes about

them...

but they're young

and they're popular...

while you...

What about me?

Let's face it.

You're over the hill.

Sure do know how

to hurt a fella.

I'm sorry,

but can you imagine...

what Jack Jones

could do with that song?

What?

Listen to me, Sophia

Have you any idea

Now look, lady.

You may have heard

a lot of singers...

but you ain't heard nothing sung

till you heard me sung it.

Oh, listen to me, Sophia

Have you any idea

How much you mean to me-a?

How much, you'll never know

Then, of course,

there's Robert Goulet.

If I'm all agitato

Every heartstring vibrato

Every kiss passionato

And Eddie Fisher.

Oh, Sophia, be mine

Sweet Sophia, be mine

Oh, Sophia, be mine

Sweet Sophia, be mine

Dino!

Hey, Dino! Dino!

Dino!

Well, good-bye, Mr. Spooner.

What's the matter?

I'm contemplating.

Contemplating what?

Suicide.

What are you talking about?

Look at me...

yesterday, a solid citizen,

a blood donor...

a signer of petitions,

and today, the way of all flesh.

Nonsense. You spent the night

with Mrs. Spooner, remember?

Yeah.

That's right.

Here you are.

What's that?

It's your pay.

You know, the deal

we made? Twenty-five dollars?

You wouldn't pay

your wife, would you?

But you need the money if

you're saving up for that car.

What car?

I gave up on that

a long time ago.

I'll never get out of this town.

Don't say that.

Oh, you don't have to worry.

If we ever

run into each other...

I'll pretend

I never even met you.

Thanks.

Nice to have met you.

I wish there were something

I could do for you.

You've done a lot.

For instance,

you cured me of my cold.

Bye.

You're just in time.

I'm making coffee.

Would you like some?

Don't look so surprised.

You took my place last night,

so I took yours.

It's that simple.

Oh, then you must be Mrs...

That's right.

Where do you keep the cups?

Look. Whatever your husband did,

he did it for you.

Whatever I did,

I did it for him.

I've never stayed

in a trailer before.

It's really quite cozy.

I liked your house,

especially that big kitchen.

I made waffles this morning.

I'll bet there was no syrup.

I opened up a jar

of your preserves.

You know, it was sort of fun

being a wife for a night.

And for one night...

it was fun being

Polly the Pistol.

Oh.

This belongs to you.

Me?

Five hundred dollars?

Large spender from out of town.

Why don't I ever meet

anybody like that?

I think you did...

but you were married at the

time.

You really want

to give this to me?

I'll swap you

for that ring.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

And if you should

find a loose navel...

floating around the house,

it's mine.

I'm not going back home.

You're not?

I'm moving in with my folks.

Maybe I shouldn't butt in...

but I think you're

making a mistake.

If I were you... and I was...

I wouldn't leave Orville.

A woman without a man is like

a trailer without a car.

You ain't going nowhere.

So when you find a good guy,

you should stick to him.

I deal with married men

all the time, the heels.

Believe me, you got

a wonderful husband.

I know that, but he'll be

an even better husband...

when I get through with him.

What was that

about a loose navel?

- Hi there, Mr. Spooner.

- Hi.

Mrs. Spooner around?

- Why?

- I was just wondering.

For the last three days,

she hasn't ordered anything...

no milk, no butter, no eggs.

Well, we've been eating out.

L... I mean,

she's been eating out.

As a matter of fact...

she's been living out

with her parents...

but it's only temporary.

Just a little

misunderstanding.

You know how it is

with married...

none of your damn business!

Oh, it's you.

Didn't I tell you

to stay away from here?

Wait a minute, Orville.

I've got a message for you.

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