Kiss Me, Stupid Page #9

Leave the two of them alone.

Oh?

Oh.

Make some excuse and beat it,

or we'll blow the whole deal.

Roger.

Oh, that was Roger

from the bowling alley.

I'm afraid I've got

some bad news for you.

Bad news?

I forgot this is Saturday...

bowling night.

Why didn't you remind me, Zelda?

I'm sorry.

You see, I'm on the Climax team.

We've got this big grudge match

against Silver City.

So I'm afraid I'll have to

leave you alone.

What are you afraid of?

Nothing, really.

I'm sure you'll

look after my wife...

and she'll look after you.

Excuse me.

Something tells me

we're gonna have a ball.

Won't we, lambchop?

Oh! The way these

matches drag on...

I may be gone for hours,

so don't even wait up for me.

We'll be rooting for you.

No, darling. E flat.

Would you play it for me

before you go?

I haven't heard it

for a long time.

Sure.

You don't want to miss

the first inning...

or the first chukker

or whatever you call it.

Just one chorus.

All the livelong day

And the long, long night

What do I do-oo-oo?

Dream about you-oo-oo

Felt this way the first time

you came in sight

Suddenly my gloomy old sky

turned magically bright

You'll find

we're perfect casting

You and I

With love that's everlasting

Will I leave you ever?

Never, never, never

All I live for now

is to hold you tight

All the livelong day

And the long, long night

Waiteress!

Hey, waiteress!

Another Bloody Mary...

and drinks for everybody

in the orchestra.

Fellas!

Hey, fellas.

Play "Melancholy Baby."

Fellas...

didn't you hear me?

I said, play "Melancholy Baby."

Come on now, everybody.

Shape up!

Eighty-six.

Look, honey, don't you think

you had enough?

No.

It's my anniversary.

I've been married

five years today.

Now, why don't you go home

and celebrate with your husband?

Oh, no. He's busy.

You know,

I could have married...

the second-most-successful

chiropractor in Carson City.

Instead, I married Orville J...

"j" for jerk... Spooner.

I think

I'm going to be sick.

Uh-huh. All right,

but not in here, honey.

Come on.

That's it. Grab her.

That's a girl.

Sick, sick, sick.

Shall I call a cab?

We can't send her home

in this condition.

Don't you know who she is?

I've seen her in church.

She's the organist's wife...

and we're in enough trouble

already.

This way.

Bang.

Where's this plane going to?

This isn't a plane.

You're in Polly's trailer.

Hello, Polly.

She's gone for the night.

You can sleep it off here.

Hang on, everybody.

Fasten your seat belts.

No chance you're taking chances

Taking me on

Believe me when this man says

Summer, spring, and fall-time

You're my one and all-time

All I live for now

is to hold you tight

All the livelong day

And the long, long night

I bet it would sound

even prettier...

with like... like twenty violins.

And a whole chorus of voices.

Well, time to go.

Go where?

Bowling.

Oh. Have a good time.

No, not me. You, remember?

You got a match.

Oh, sure.

No. A bowling match

against Silver City.

And don't worry about the songs.

I'll buy this one, too.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not for sale.

You can have "Sophia"

or any of the others.

What "Sophia"?

That Italian number

you were so crazy about.

Oh, that.

I don't think we should

talk business now.

I can see you two have different

things on your minds.

So we'll discuss it

some other time.

Like when?

Oh, the next time

I come through town...

on my way from Vegas...

if there's a detour

and if my car breaks down.

Fair enough.

I don't think

that's fair at all.

Bye.

Hold it.

Orville, you better run along...

'cause it's not fair

to yourself or to your team.

My team?

Why, Barney and everybody.

You don't want

to let them down, do you?

I guess I shouldn't.

Oh, uh, you better put this on.

It gets chilly later.

She worries about me.

That's what a wife is for.

Will you be

all right, darling?

Well, of course she will.

I'll help her with the dishes

and everything.

After all, we don't want her

to have ants in the morning.

Are you sure you want

to be alone with this guy?

Look, mister, I got a job

to do, and you're in the way.

Good-bye, darling.

Come on.

Come on!

What took you so long?

I thought I'd have to

come in and drag you out.

I've been doing some thinking.

Now, before he

records that song...

his lawyers are gonna

send us a contract...

standard royalties,

a set a copy...

but we hold out...

because if we can get

another of our songs...

on the other side of the record,

that doubles our royalties.

Why let somebody else

cash in on our hit?

And if it's a big hit,

maybe he'll do the whole album.

"Dino Sings Millsap

and Spooner."

All right. So it's

Spooner and Millsap.

Who cares so long as it sells

a million copies?

Then we get a gold record.

Maybe we win a Grammy award.

Then come the personal

appearances...

Ed Sullivan!

Policemen are holding

the crowds back.

Ooh! Ooh!

They're throwing

jellybeans at us.

He's got a hell of a nerve.

Huh?

Does he really think

he can buy my wife for a song?

What wife? What are you

talking about?

She's not your wife.

Him and his rat pack,

they think they own the earth...

riding around in their white

chariots raping and looting...

and wearing cuffs

on their sleeves.

Orville, pull yourself together.

To them, we're just

a bunch of squares...

straight men, civilians!

Any time they want

to move in...

we're supposed to

run up the white flag...

hand over our homes

and our wives and our liquor!

Oh, no, you don't!

Orville!

Forget something?

So you're helping

my wife with the dishes?

Ha! Who's washing, and who's

drying?

One thing I can't stand

is a sneaky husband.

Big Hollywood hotshot.

You think you can walk

in here and snap your fingers...

and I'll serve my wife

to you on a silver platter...

with an apple in her mouth.

Get out of here.

Orville, please!

He doesn't mean it.

You heard me.

O-u-t.

Out!

Take it easy. E-a-z-y.

Get out of here,

or I'll throw you out.

I'm going to count to five.

One, two...

What happened

to western hospitality?

Four...

five.

Orville!

Stop it, both of you!

Are you all right? Don't

mind him.

He gets these fits

once in a while.

He just goes crazy and starts

attacking people...

milkmen and dentists

and pupils and...

Oh.

Are you hurt?

Is anything broken?

No. I'm OK...

but I'm gonna have

such a headache tomorrow.

If you want action, buddy,

go to the Belly Button...

but don't try to muscle in on a

happy home.

Is my car ready?

Just about.

Look. This isn't

going to make...

any difference about the

song, is it?

I mean, you still like it?

Where is that place?

What place?

The Belly Button.

The swine.

I fixed him good.

Big idiot.

I'll say he is.

I mean you.

You fixed yourself good.

You had everything

going for you...

and you went and loused it up.

Why?

I didn't want him to think

you were a pushover.

What difference does it make?

One man more or less

in my life.

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