Kiss Me, Stupid Page #8

Orville J. Spooner.

You know what the "j"

stands for? Jerk.

That's what he is, a jerk.

Never made more than sixty

dollars a week in his life.

No ambition, no future.

When I think that

you could've married...

Wally Coates...

Dr. Wallace Coates...

the second-most-successful

chiropractor in Carson City.

Henry, stop rocking.

Or take Tom Pringle.

He was dying to marry you.

Only the president of the Junior

Chamber of Commerce...

but you let Gladys Bukitsch

grab him off.

Gladys Bukitsch.

Four foot six, bad complexion,

pigeon-toed.

I could cry.

You know what he did

for her folks?

Bought them a house

in Del Webb's Sun City.

So now they're retired...

playing shuffleboard

with the other senior citizens.

Oh, Zelda, Zelda...

what a mess you made

of your life.

That's enough, Mamie.

Now leave her alone.

Did you say something?

Not recently.

First thing tomorrow,

you go and see a lawyer...

Charlie Green, whom you also

could've married.

You'll have no problem

getting a divorce.

Just wait till I get up there...

and tell the judge

how he treated me...

slamming the piano cover

on my hand...

just because I said

he was a no-talent slob.

Where are you going?

Home.

Back to Orville?

Yes, mother.

He's so right about you.

You're a mean, loud-mouthed...

interfering old...

you want to know

what he calls you?

What?

I better not tell you.

Godzilla?

I'd like to propose

a toast to my beloved wife...

who has stood by me

so valiantly...

for the last five hours...

five years...

and to our distinguished

guest...

star of stage, screen,

and television...

a man who needs

no introduction...

where is he?

He dropped his napkin again.

It seems I have

a very slippery lap.

Slippery lap.

Cheers!

Oh! In the words

of Rossani Brazzi...

grazie, grazie.

Uh, shall we move

into the living room?

You go ahead.

I'll clear the table.

No, no, Zelda. Not yet.

Let's not break up the party.

Oh, I'm with you.

Oh, you don't mind if I, uh,

bring along a friend?

As long as you don't

bring your lobster.

Funny! Funny!

All right. Everybody line up

for a square dance.

Square dance?

We got wine, we got women,

and we got songs.

What would you like to hear?

Well, do you know

Old Man River?

Darling, why don't you play

one of your own songs.

One of mine?

Oh, I wouldn't want to

impose on our guest.

Well, how about

"Cuddle Up a Little Closer"?

I'm sorry, but we have

a request from a lady...

in the balcony.

Let's see now.

There's this little Italian

number we wrote...

which may be of some

interest to you.

Every day

I sit and pray I

Win you over soon

Say yes, won't you?

Do you, don't you

Want this world in tune?

What does it take

to persuade you?

And how much more

must I serenade you?

Listen to me, Sophia

Have you any idea

How much you mean to me-a?

How much, you'll never know

If I'm all agitato

Every heartstring vibrato

Every look passionato

Who but you made me so?

It's love, it's love, crescendo

Never, ever diminuendo

Say the word, Sweet Sophia

Or from earth I resign

Oh, Sophia, be mine

Well? What do you

think of it, huh?

Oh, it's a grabber,

a real grabber.

It is?

Takes one to know one.

What a great piece of material.

Boy, what I could do with it.

You mean you like the song?

What song? Oh, yeah.

It's another

"Arrivederci, Roma."

I'll take it.

You'll take it?

He'll take it!

Did you hear that, darling?

He'll take it!

Oh! Stay right

where you are, lambchop.

Play it again.

Yes, indeedy!

Listen to me, Sophia

Have you any idea

How much you mean to me-a?

Every day more and more

You're sweeter than spumoni

Sweeter even than zabaglione

Say the word, sweet Sophia

Let our hearts intertwine

Oh, Sophia, be mine

Ole!

Sweet Sophia, be mine

Let that honeymoon shine

Pluck the grape from the vine

Let our hearts

Let our hearts intertwine

And put your love on the line

Sweet Sophia, be mine

Let the honeymoon shine

Paper panties.

Or from earth I resign

Oh, Sophia, be mine

What's going on in there?

Zelda, you're not

supposed to be here.

Why not? This is my house...

and that's my husband,

the swinger!

Now, now, Zelda, take it easy.

I know this looks pretty bad.

That miserable liar,

he was telling me the truth.

No, he wasn't.

I mean, the truth is...

Look, Zelda.

There are certain things...

a man cannot ask his wife to do.

Like what? You mean, now she's

gonna drink out of his shoe?

Oh, she'll do anything.

You see, she's getting

twenty-five bucks.

Twenty-five bucks?

It's an all-night job.

Well, if that doesn't

kill him, I will!

Now, don't blame Orville.

Actually, the whole

thing was my idea...

I mean, throwing you

out of the house.

It was?

And that girl... Orville

didn't even know her.

I brought her around

and introduced her to him.

You did?

And don't worry about

the money it's costing...

because Orville and I,

we're going halfsies on this.

You are?

OK, Zelda, hit me

if you want to...

but please don't go in there.

You'll spoil everything.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Atta girl. Now you go

back to your mother's...

until tomorrow morning.

I'm going, all right,

but not to my mother.

Oh, whew.

Ole!

Oh, sweet Sophia, be mine

Or from earth I resign

Let's...

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

I just got carried away.

Here.

Don't mind me. Go right ahead.

Western hospitality.

Listen to me, Sophia

Do you realize this is the first

song we ever sold?

It's a good thing

that valve cracked...

or I'd have never heard it.

Yeah, and I never would have

met him... I mean you.

Now, look, here's... Orville,

kiddo...

I'll need one copy

for my television producer...

and my orchestra leader

and my arranger...

and for the guys

from the agency.

Let's see.

I'll need maybe, like,

uh, twelve copies.

How many?

I hate to do this to you...

but since I'm leaving

in the morning...

you'll have to stay up

all night making copies.

Did you say twelve?

And don't you worry

about me or your wife...

we won't bother you.

Maybe we'll go in the garden,

and she'll show me her parsley.

Here we are. Sophia.

Twelve copies. Isn't that lucky?

Yeah.

How lucky can you get?

Oh!

All right, lambchop.

Refill the shoes...

and let's have

a little more music.

What would you like to hear now?

"Taps."

Would you be interested

in a nice little waltz?

"When it's

P*ssy Willow Time in Picardy."

I don't think

I could do it justice.

Here's something more lively...

what you'd call a novelty.

"I'm Taking Mom

to the Junior Prom...

"'Cause She's a Better Twister

Than my Sister."

Gets you right here.

Oh, this is it. It's a ballad.

I wrote it for Zelda

when we were dating.

It means a lot to us.

Hello?

Orville, are you

out of your mind?

What are you trying

to do, ruin us?

What do you mean?

I'm doing great.

I just sold him

the Italian number.

You didn't sell anything.

The broad sold it.

So get out

of the house, already.

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