Kiss Me, Stupid Page #7

That's why I had to take a job

at the Belly Button...

trying to scrape up

enough money to get another car.

But something always

seems to happen.

I guess I'm stuck here for good.

A girl like you... I'm sure

you'll find some nice guy.

Not a chance, unless I get

out of this place.

Around here, I'm just somebody

the bartender recommends.

"Try Polly the Pistol."

'S marvelous

You should care

'S paradise

'S awful nice, woo, pow

Paradise

Let's get ready.

He'll be out in a minute.

I know that voice

from someplace.

Of course you do. He's a singer.

Who?

Now don't flip.

Well, who is it?

It's Dino.

Dino?

That's right.

Hmm.

I like Andy Williams better.

Shh! For heaven's sake,

watch it.

You're supposed

to be nice to him.

Don't worry. I know my job.

Now let me look at you.

Maybe we'd better open

a couple of buttons.

Your wife wouldn't do that.

I guess not.

Oh, the ring.

You should have a ring.

Here, put this on.

You suppose there's

a law against this?

Against what?

Wearing a ring

without a license.

Don't be silly.

Come on, let's go

into the living room.

Domestic, domestic.

We've got to

make it look domestic.

You sit here, and I'll sit here.

No, that's not domestic enough.

You knit, and I'll read.

Uh... uh, I don't

know how to knit.

Well, then you read,

and I'll knit.

No, that's no good.

Now, let me see...

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

You should care for me

Mmm, 's awful nice

Paradise

Hard to see

Pardon me.

Is this the way to Disneyland?

Oh, we didn't hear you.

This is my wife Zelda.

Howdy, ma'am.

My husband told me

you were staying with us.

What a delightful surprise.

Zelda has all your records.

She's a big fan of yours.

I'm a big fan of hers.

I picked these on the way here.

Oh, they're lovely.

Cocktail time.

What would you like?

Martini? Old fashioned?

Vodka on the rocks?

No, thanks.

Nothing to drink?

Just a bowl of bourbon

and some crackers.

Bourbon. Good idea.

How about you, Zelda?

Uh, do we have any buttermilk

in the house?

Buttermilk! Coming right up.

Well, just don't...

stand there, you two. Talk.

Mingle.

Uh, tell me something.

Anything.

How'd you happen

to get stranded here?

Oh, just lucky, I guess.

Oops.

You know, that dress dummy

don't do you justice...

even with all the padding.

I suppose I've put on

a few pounds.

Well, don't you worry about it.

As far as I'm concerned...

there couldn't

be enough of you...

baby.

Huh.

How much do you

think she weighs?

Guess.

May I?

Help yourself.

Guess again.

Glad to.

120?

You're getting warm.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that's close enough.

How much you think I weigh?

Go ahead, lambchop.

Take a crack at it.

Yeah.

1731/2.

That's not fair.

Right on the nose.

Skol.

What?

Skol!

Sure, it's cold.

It's got ice in it.

Funny! Funny!

Well, drink up

and be somebody.

Why don't we sit down?

Why don't we?

Ah, lambchop, Dino,

and I'll sit back here.

Where'd you get

this crazy couch?

Oh, it's been

in the family for years.

It's a love seat.

Love seat? For three?

Victorian, you know.

Two lovers and a chaperone,

but that didn't stop anyone.

It was usually an old lady,

half-deaf, half-blind...

sitting there and... knitting.

Knitting?

It's good therapy.

I took it up

when I quit smoking.

It keeps my hands busy.

You know what they say...

the devil finds work

for idle hands.

What are you knitting?

A sock.

With a turtleneck?

He's got small moons.

Oh?

I got what?

Oh, it's this theory

my wife has.

If you've got small moons

on your nails...

you're a gentleman

and a scholar.

Interesting.

Now, you take me.

I've got big moons.

That means I'm a fink.

Well, you're only half right

about me.

I'm no scholar.

Knit one, purl two.

Hmm. Something around here

smells good.

It's the meat sauce.

It's making my mouth water.

We also got you some pizza.

How about a little antipasto?

You'll spoil your appetite.

You want to bet?

Damn!

What's the matter?

I've dropped a stitch.

Oh.

You know, you can lose

a hand that way.

Did you hear the story

about the girl and the lobster?

No. How does it go?

Well, this girl was sitting

in a movie house...

and this guy sat down

next to her...

and they were

sitting in the dark...

and they were watching the

picture, see...

and suddenly

she felt something...

crawling up her leg

and pinched her.

Ah!

Go on.

Then she felt something

crawling again...

and pinched her again.

She said, "What is the idea

of you pinching me?"

And he said,

"Well, it wasn't me.

It was my lobster."

His lobster?

He explained it. He said...

"A friend of mine

gave me a live lobster"...

and I said,

"Gee, that's wonderful.

"I think I'll take it

home for dinner."

He said, "No,

it already had dinner.

"Why don't you take it

to a movie?"

Take it to a movie!

...to a movie.

I told you. He's a funny man.

Yeah. Funny.

You got any more

stories like that?

Yeah. I got...

Oh, yeah. There was the one

about this doctor, you see.

He was examining

a girl's knee, and he said...

"What's a joint like this doing

on a pretty girl like you?"

Oh! Oh, I got to remember

that one.

Excuse me. I've got

something on the stove.

I think this belongs to you.

Me. You. What's the difference?

Maybe I'd better help you.

No, no, no, no.

You stay right

where you are, lambchop.

Make him feel at home.

Show him a little

western hospitality.

We don't want him to have

a headache tomorrow.

What is this, Candid Camera?

You must think my husband

is sort of, uh, peculiar.

Oh, no.

As a matter of fact...

I'm getting very fond of him.

So am I.

And I'm crazy about his wife.

Do you know what

I'd like right now?

Sure. Another bowl

of bourbon and crackers.

Tell me something.

Anything.

How come he calls you lambchop?

Maybe it's because

I wear paper panties.

Paper panties?

I also wear a gold ring.

Talk about finks.

This guy's got no moons at all.

Never mind the moons.

You should be out there

entertaining him.

What right has he got to treat

your wife like that?

It's a good thing

you're not my wife...

or I'd throw him

out of the house.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Paper panties. Ooh.

Hot stuff. Don't touch.

I can't help myself.

How would you like

a macaroni shampoo?

Anything you say, baby.

Sprinkle me with parmesan.

Stab me with a breadstick.

You're quite

an operator, aren't you?

Well, not really, but all we

have is just this one night...

so I have to work fast.

It's sort of

an emergency operation.

It's that little

old winemaker, me!

Sit down. Sit down.

You didn't have to go

to all this trouble.

What trouble? I'm very grateful.

You see, this is our fifth

wedding anniversary...

and I forgot to buy

my wife a present...

so instead, she's getting you.

You know what they say...

white wine with fish,

red wine with lambchop.

Believe me, it's the best thing

that could've happened to you.

If I told you once, I told you

a thousand times...

don't marry him.

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