Kiss Me, Stupid Page #6

Stop beefing.

This is cash on the line...

and no poison ivy.

Come on. Come on.

You got a wastepaper basket

someplace?

Well, what do you think of her?

I guess she's all right,

but I wouldn't know.

You can take my word for it.

She's a pistol, a real pistol.

Say, what is this?

You brought me all

the way here on approval?

No, no. You got a deal. Right?

Oh, sure. We've gone this far.

We may as well

go through with it.

Don't force yourself, mister.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way.

I think you're

most attractive...

and you're going to do

a very good job.

What does he want now,

references?

Simmer down. You, too...

because it's gonna work out

just great.

I hope so.

Don't bet on it, hon.

I better leave you alone now.

Do you have to?

I'm supposed to be

grinding that valve.

And one more thing...

you got all night,

so take it easy.

You don't have to start

on the piano right away.

Build up to it slowly.

Know what I mean?

Maybe while you have dinner...

you can sneak it

into the conversation.

And then after dinner,

you can really go all out.

Well, shall we get organized?

Look, I'm a good sport...

I mean, you could ask anybody...

but none of that

crazy stuff, huh?

You see, I got this bad cold.

Did you ever hear of anybody

with a... with a good cold?

Huh.

It's a nice place you got here.

Oh, you'll like it.

It's not very big,

but it's clean.

What is?

What is what?

I don't know.

You brought it up.

First thing you have to do

is get out of those clothes.

Just like that?

You're so right.

First thing, we'd better make

sure my wife isn't coming back.

Yeah. I think we better.

You realize if it weren't

for venetian blinds...

it would be curtains

for all of us?

I guess you can't

be too careful...

a man in your position.

My position?

Oh, I recognized you

right away.

I see you at church

every Sunday playing the organ.

You go to church?

All of us girls go.

Big Bertha takes us

in the station wagon.

Well, you know what they say...

the family that

stays together...

It's just that Bertha thinks

it's good for public relations.

We mustn't wake him up,

not yet...

because if he catches on,

we'll be dead.

Who?

Barney and me.

No, I mean, who's gonna

catch on?

Nobody, I hope.

So, shall we...

Oh, OK.

No, no.

Not in here. In the bedroom.

You name it.

Don't mind me

if I'm a little nervous...

but so much depends on this.

I just hope we can swing it.

We'll do our best.

Thank you.

Now if you'll just put on

one of my wife's dresses.

What for?

That's the only way it'll work.

We've got to pretend

you're my wife.

What are you,

some kind of a weirdie?

Didn't Barney tell you?

He didn't tell me to expect

anything like this.

I'm getting out of here.

Now just a second.

You know, you ought to be

ashamed of yourself.

All those people

in the congregation...

do they know what you're doing

the other six days of the week?

You don't understand.

It's not for me. It's for him.

Who's him?

Back there. He's asleep.

What are we playing,

musical chairs?

Barney says it's not for him,

it's for a friend of his.

Now you say it's not for you,

it's for a friend of yours.

Oh, but he's not

exactly a friend.

It's more like

a business promotion...

and he likes action

all the time.

I got nothing against that,

but not with Zelda.

Oh. Who's Zelda?

You are.

Me?

It's my wife,

but tonight you're her...

so you're Zelda.

What did I get myself into?

Oh, you just wait till you

find out who he is.

You'll flip.

Huh. I will?

Oh, boy.

So who can it be...

Richard Burton?

No, but you're getting warm.

Here, try this.

It may be a little tight,

but that can't hurt any.

Oops.

What's the matter now?

I lost my navel.

Where?

I think it rolled under there.

Where am I?

In Climax.

Where?

Don't you remember?

You had that cracked valve?

Beethoven?

Oh.

What time is it?

Oh, it's only 4:
00, so why don't

you go back to sleep?

What are you doing down

there, anyway?

I'm looking for

my wife's navel.

Oh.

Looks real nice, Polly.

Thanks, and the name

is Zelda.

Oh, yes, of course.

Hey, candles.

I found them in the drawer.

For intimate dining,

candlelight is a romantic must.

Oh?

I used to read up

on all that stuff...

in Ladies' Home Journal...

what every bride should know,

how to keep your husband happy.

Say, maybe we should have

some place cards.

I don't think so.

There's just the three of us.

Tell me, how did

you and I meet?

What do you mean?

Barney brought you.

Oh, no. You and Zelda.

I'm Zelda, remember?

How did we meet,

in case it comes up?

Oh. Well, you were

singing in the choir...

and I noticed you right away

because you were always off-key.

Hmm. So you kept me after hours.

I wanted to, but your mother

used to watch us like a hawk.

She never liked me much.

So?

So in order to

ingratiate myself...

you see, she works

at the blood bank...

I'd go in three times a week

and give a pint of blood.

Three pints a week?

Well, the other days,

I'd sneak over...

to the hospital in Silver City

and get a transfusion.

Boy, you must have

been nuts about me.

I certainly was.

And, uh, how did

you propose to me?

Well, I wrote this love song...

and one afternoon while

I was tuning your piano...

I played it to you,

and that did it.

Imagine...

somebody writing

a whole song for you.

You know, when I was

in high school...

there was this boy.

He used to write me poems.

What kind of poems?

In chalk, on sidewalks

and fences.

Why, I had to go

all over town erasing them.

Polly... I mean, Zelda...

keep an eye

on the meat sauce, will you?

Sure.

I hate to put you

to work like this...

I mean, like a housewife.

Oh, I enjoy it.

As a matter of fact...

I was almost a wife once myself.

Almost?

That's how I happened

to wind up in nevada.

Where are you from?

Jersey City, New Jersey.

I was working at the Plaza Hotel

as a manicurist...

and I had this 1,200 bucks

my father left me.

So I was going to open

a little beauty shop... my own.

Then I met this guy.

This needs more salt.

What guy?

He was a salesman,

a hula hoop salesman.

Remember those things?

He wanted to marry me.

That figures.

So I bought this

secondhand car and trailer.

We drove to Nevada,

spent the night here.

The next day, we were supposed

to go to Vegas and get hitched.

Could use some pepper, too.

What happened?

When I woke up

in the morning...

the guy was gone,

and the car was gone.

That was it.

You know anybody who can use

six dozen plastic hula hoops?

They come in assorted colors.

You mean he just took off?

Eh, I should have known

he was a fink.

He had small moons.

He had what?

You know, small moons

on the fingernails.

Now, you, for instance,

you got big moons.

Is that good?

It means you're a gentleman.

When you're a manicurist,

you can tell a lot

about people...

just from their hands.

I never had a manicure

in my life.

Nobody in this town has.

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