Kiss Me, Stupid Page #5

a cesspool...

a blot on our community.

I understand they let minors

use the cigarette machine.

Rosalie and I went

in there to investigate...

and two strange men

approached us...

and offered to

buy us Bloody Marys.

I got the distinct impression

that there's love for sale

on the premises.

"Love For Sale," Cole Porter...

a million and a half copies.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Who's got a fountain pen?

Oh, I see you're celebrating

your anniversary.

Our fifth.

What a lovely cake.

Pistachio?

Would you like a piece?

I wouldn't want you

to spoil it.

Oh, well, maybe just

a little piece.

In that case, I'll have

a little piece, too.

Reverend?

No, thank you.

Cholesterol, you know.

Thank you.

However, if you happen to

have half a grapefruit.

Well, actually, I was

saving it for my wife.

What do you say, Barney?

Is Polly working today?

- Sure.

- Where?

She's gone back to

being a blond again.

Hey, Polly,

we were just wondering...

how do you get that thing

to stay in there?

I glue it in.

Ha ha ha!

What would happen

if I unglued it?

You'd get beer in your eye.

From there?

From here.

Look, Bertha, you still want

those new seat covers...

in your station wagon?

Why?

I'll give them to you

for half price...

if you'll do me a little favor.

Like what?

It's OK with me

if it's OK with Polly.

Muah!

Listen, Polly, I got

a proposition for you.

Step back.

Here comes a big one.

Gesundheit.

Like I said,

I got a proposition.

I need you.

Right now?

It's an emergency.

Yeah, it must be.

Actually, it's not for me.

It's for a friend of mine.

He's giving a little party.

It's an all-night job.

I just got on duty.

I won't be through

till 1:
00 in the morning.

It's OK. I talked to Big Bertha.

It's all fixed.

You better get yourself

another girl.

I'm coming down with this cold,

and I feel lousy.

Well, if you want to

pass up 25 bucks.

- How much?

- 25 bucks.

Huh?

Suddenly I feel better.

Atta girl. Let's go.

Don't you want me to

change my clothes first?

Come on.

I got my motor running.

At least let me

put on a coat.

What for?

Do you want me

to catch pneumonia?

On an outside job like this...

I'm not covered

by any Blue Cross.

Ok, but step on it.

I'll pick you up

around the back.

Yeah.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Here's your dinner, Sam.

I won't be home till late.

Polly!

I'm coming!

Now, don't stay up

all night watching TV.

It's not good for your eyes.

Are you kidding?

I'm not going in any truck.

Listen to her... Princess Grace.

Get your keister in here!

You know what you are?

No gentleman.

Come on! Come on!

OK.

Say, what kind of party

is this anyway?

My friend will explain

the whole thing to you.

What are you so worried about?

Well, the last time I took

a job like this was July 4th.

It was one of those

bachelor barbecues...

with fireworks and everything,

and they raffled me off.

I went for $83.

Except the next day,

the check bounced...

so all I got out of it

was a case of poison ivy.

Thank you, Mrs. Spooner.

Bye, Rosalie.

Happy anniversary, Zelda.

Come, come, ladies.

We have a lot of work to do.

We need another 400 signatures.

Reverend.

Are you sure you

don't need some help?

After all, 400 signatures.

Why don't you take

my wife along?

She's very good

at this sort of thing.

Oh, I wouldn't think of it.

Not on your anniversary.

This way, playboy.

In case there are

any more petitions.

Yeah.

Now...

Where were we?

You know, this town isn't

going to be the same...

if they close down

the Belly Button.

Why should you care?

Why should I care?

I happen to be their

biggest customer.

You?

All those nights

when you thought...

I was at choir practice

or bowling...

or watching color television

outside Pringle's...

I was really

at the Belly Button.

Doing what?

Using that cigarette machine,

drinking Mary Bloodies...

and a lot of other things, but

I'd rather not talk about it...

because you'll just get sore

and walk out on me.

What other things?

You may think I'm

sort of a square...

but ask any of those

cocktail waitresses there...

I am a swinger.

Sure you are.

I wouldn't have it

any other way.

Poor Zelda. I guess the wife

is always the last to know.

Know what?

For your information, I have

been playing around for years.

Oh?

And not just with those

waitresses...

with some of your best friends.

Like who?

Well, I'm too much of

a gentleman to mention names...

but last Thanksgiving...

there was a little incident

in the organ loft.

Oh, you and Rosalie Schultz.

How did you know?

She told me all about it.

We had a big laugh.

You mean, you were discussing...

my sex life

with another woman...

and laughing about it?

What sex life?

So you chased her

up the bell tower.

It just so happens

that she chased me.

What difference does it make?

Nobody caught anybody.

And anyway, I trust you.

You trust me?

That's a lousy thing to say

about your husband.

Don't you think I'm attractive

to other women?

You're attractive to me.

So come to bed.

Oh, no.

You're not going

to weasel out of it.

The truth is, you don't

give a damn about me...

because if you did,

you'd be jealous.

You'd fight for me.

It's the most primitive

emotion there is.

You take the Watusis.

I read all about it

in the "National Geographic"...

in Dr. Sheldrake's office.

If a Watusi wife

catches another woman...

with a Watusi husband, you

know what she does?

She buries her in sand up to

her neck...

and smears honey

all over her head...

and lets the red ants

loose on her.

But what do you do

when Rosalie Schultz...

tries to steal your husband?

You give her a piece

of pistachio cake!

Well, if that's

all you care about me...

I've had it.

I'm not staying here

another minute.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going home to mother.

Orville! Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

That's right. What am I doing?

It's the other way around.

You're going home

to your mother.

Darling, what's

the matter with you?

All day you've been

trying to pick a fight.

It's for your own good.

There isn't room enough

here for the three of us.

The three of us?

I mean the four of us.

Out you go.

Orville, you're not

making any sense.

This is me, your wife.

Zelda, remember?

Five years ago today...

we promised to love, honor,

and cherish each other...

and you were so nervous...

you put the ring

on the minister's finger.

Oh, cut out that sentimental

slush!

Out!

Oh...

Don't cry, lambchop. Please.

Maybe I'm not

making any sense now...

but I'll make a lot

of sense tomorrow...

when I explain

the whole thing.

Don't bother!

Tomorrow or any other time!

Zelda!

Nice timing, Orville.

Now we're cooking.

I wish I were in hell

with my back broken.

Just wait till you see

what I brought for dessert.

This is Polly.

My friend Orville.

Hi.

Not here.

You want the whole

neighborhood to know?

Get her in the house.

That's some welcome.

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