Kiss Me, Stupid Page #4

room and finish it.

You do that.

Sewing room!

Zelda. Wait!

What are you

going in there for?

I have some sewing to do.

What sewing?

It's a secret.

You know I don't like secrets.

All right, if you insist.

I'm making myself

a black chiffon negligee.

I just have to put

the lace on the collar.

I want it to be

ready for tonight.

You don't need lace

on the collar.

You don't even need

a negligee.

And we don't have

to wait for tonight.

I have no more

lessons today...

and we're all alone

in the house...

so why don't we...

In the middle

of the afternoon?

That's what makes it...

the irregularity...

that unexpected little twist.

Orville, have you been

reading "Playboy" again?

You just relax.

I'll be with you

in a minute, lambchop.

I was just coming to see you.

Look what I got...

all the Italian food

they had at the market.

Macaroni, parmigiana,

frozen pizza, chianti.

Forget it.

That's what he likes.

You'll gonna give him

an Italian dinner...

play him our Italian song.

Oh, no. He's gonna get into

his Italian car and beat it!

What do you mean?

I don't want him in the house.

We got to get rid of him.

After all the trouble

we went to?

- You heard me.

- Why?

Because he's a sex maniac.

So what? That's his problem.

But it's my wife!

He's already after her.

And what's worse, she's crazy

about him, too.

Oh. What's wrong with that?

He likes her. She likes him.

So while you're

plugging the songs...

she's sort of

putting him in the mood.

Why, you miserable...

are you suggesting

that I use my wife?

Watch that chianti.

I don't care if

I never sell a song.

I'd rather starve first

because I love my wife.

I adore her. I worship her.

Don't you trust her?

No. Excuse me.

Hurry up, playboy.

It is no use arguing, Barney.

Just reconnect

his fuel line and... pssst.

Well, not so fast.

Why do we have to

get rid of him?

Why don't we get rid of her?

Zelda?

Sure. Just send her away

for the night...

if you're so worried.

Send her away.

That's already better...

but it won't work.

Why not?

Didn't you hear what I said?

This guy is only

interested in action.

He's not going to spend

the night here...

just with me, eating macaroni

and listening to our songs.

He's going to be

at the Belly Button...

Iooking for broads.

Hold it. Hold it, hold it.

Why does he have to go

to the Belly Button?

Why don't we bring

the Belly Button to him?

Now you're going too fast.

Once Zelda's out of the way...

we pick up one of those

cocktail waitresses...

and get her over here.

Mmm. That'll keep him

in the house.

How am I going to

explain it to him?

That I was afraid he was going

to make a pass at my wife...

so we got him a chippy instead?

You don't have to

explain anything.

Just introduce her as your wife.

What?

Does he know

what Zelda looks like?

- No, but...

- Then that's it.

He's going to get

all the action he wants.

Barney, you're sick!

Uh-huh. He can

tickle her and pinch her...

grab her, wrestle with her.

Excuse me.

Nice little lambchop.

Coming, Orville.

All right, all right.

So it's a great idea.

But just tell me one thing

if you're so clever...

how do I get rid of my wife?

That's the easiest part.

Hit her.

Hit her?

Or start an argument

or get her sore at you.

Shove a grapefruit in her face.

There's lots of ways.

You want me to

louse up my marriage?

It's just for one night.

So she cries a little.

She goes home to her mother.

And tomorrow morning

you can explain...

the whole thing to her.

You buy her a nice present.

By that time,

you can afford it...

because we'll have

sold all those songs.

You mean for no reason

at all... a grapefruit?

Right in the kisser.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

You've got to

because you love her.

It's for her own good.

Orville!

Good luck. And you better

get her out of here fast...

because I'm on my way

to the Belly Button...

to pick up that dame.

Orville!

Oh, Barney brought this...

a little anniversary present.

Why did you get dressed again?

Again?

After you took a shower.

I did? Oh, of course.

And I got dressed again

because I was feeling chilly.

You certainly didn't act chilly.

When?

When I was in the shower.

I thought you were going to

climb right in with me.

You did? I mean, did I?

We could save a lot of money

on our water bill. Hmm?

Hmm.

Look what I dug up.

What?

Our wedding pictures.

Oh? Just let me get

rid of this stuff.

All right.

Hey, you.

Beethoven.

When am I going to meet

that wife of yours?

She's taking a nap because she

just took a shower...

but I guess you know that.

Did you say she grows

her own parsley?

Yes. You'll have

some for dinner.

That's when you'll

meet her... at dinner.

I think I'll catch a little

shut-eye myself...

so I can be nice and fresh.

Fresh?

I have a hunch this may turn

out to be a big night.

Come here, darling.

You'll get a kick out of these.

Out of what?

Our wedding pictures.

Remember that day?

Do I? It was

the worst day of my life.

I thought it was beautiful.

Oh, you did?

It was just that

you tried to do...

too many things

at the same time.

Whoever heard

of a bridegroom...

playing the organ

at his own wedding?

Look at mother...

crying her eyes out.

I'm glad you brought that up.

You want to know how

I feel about your mother?

No.

All right, I'll tell you.

She makes me throw up.

The way she treats your father.

And you know

what she looks like?

Godzilla!

Now, now, Orville.

Now, now, what?

Mother may be a little

difficult, but...

Difficult? She's impossible.

A mean, vicious, loud-mouthed,

interfering old bag!

Now, what do you think of that?

Well, basically I have

to agree with you.

You do?

Why do you think I got married?

To get away from her.

Oh, so that's the reason

why you married me.

Not the only reason.

I also love you.

Oh.

Here are some pictures

from our honeymoon.

Honeymoon?

Boy, was that ever a flop.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh, you wouldn't?

I'll admit the first night

was a little disappointing...

when they didn't

have a room for us...

and we had to sleep

out in your old rambler.

It was a Volkswagen.

Darling, here's a picture.

It was a rambler,

a blue rambler.

It was pink.

Don't tell me.

Of course it was blue...

exactly the same color

as my eyes.

Your eyes are pink.

What are you talking about?

I have blue eyes.

I say they're pink.

You want to make

something of it?

Orville, what is this...

some kind of a new game?

I wonder who that could be.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Spooner.

May we come in?

Of course, Reverend.

Hello,

Mrs. Spooner.

Mrs. Mulligan.

- Hi, Zelda.

- Hi, Rosalie.

We hate to intrude

on you like this...

but we're collecting

signatures...

for a petition

urging the city council...

to close down

that dreadful place...

if the ladies

will forgive my language...

the Belly Button.

Of course. We'll be glad

to sign, won't we, Orville?

We will?

Well, it's a disgrace,

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