Kiss Me, Stupid Page #3

in about ten seconds.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You answer it.

I'll get the tow truck.

Barney's Service Station.

Oh, hello there.

Of course I remember you.

What seems to be the trouble?

What is this,

a gag or something?

A gag?

You're sure you didn't

mess around with that motor?

That's a terrible thing to say.

Well, what's wrong with it?

Look. If this is your attitude,

I'm not even gonna tell you.

He's a factory-trained mechanic.

That's like being a doctor.

You got to take an oath.

All right, doc,

what's the word?

You know anything about cars?

Me? I need a copilot to turn on

the windshield wiper.

The left intake valve

is cracked...

on account of that

double camshaft...

because of

the internal combustion.

That bad?

It happens once in a while.

You know these Italian cars.

Well, don't stand there

talking to each other.

Fix it!

"Fix it," he says.

I have to send to L.A.

For a new part...

and if they don't have it,

it has to come...

from the distributor

in New York...

and if he doesn't have it...

it has to come from

the factory in Milan.

Milan?

That's ridiculous.

He's a busy man.

You bet I am.

I got to get back and do

a television special.

Oh, really? What channel?

What the hell difference

does it make?

I want to watch it.

Well, we'll watch it together...

because I'll probably

still be here.

Quiet, will you? Let me think.

What I could do

is take a valve...

from that old Chevy

and grind it down to fit.

That should get you

to Hollywood.

He knows his business.

And how long will that take?

Well, if I work all night...

I can have it for you

first thing in the morning.

You mean I got to spend

the night in this dump?

They just opened

a brand-new motel here.

He wouldn't like it.

It stinks.

How can you say that?

It's got all the modern

conveniences.

Didn't you hear what happened?

A skunk got into

the air conditioning.

I don't care where I sleep.

Just find me

an empty pool table.

I'm sure Mr. Spooner

would be glad...

to put you up

for the night.

Wouldn't you, Orville?

Me? Oh, of course I would.

He's got a spare room...

and it's right

across the street.

His wife... oh, his wife's a

great cook.

I get the scene.

This way.

No, not you. You stay here...

and start grinding

that little grabber.

Come on. Let's go.

Tell me, since we're both

in the same racket...

Tin Pan Alley...

don't you think that rock'n'roll

is on the way out?

They're just not writing them

the way they used to...

I mean those evergreens

like "Star Dust"

and "Melancholy Baby."

Look, let's cut out

all the small talk.

I'm bushed.

It's real quiet here.

You can take a nice long nap...

then we'll have some dinner,

and afterwards...

we can sit around the piano

and sing some songs.

Is that the only

action in this town?

Oh, no. There's a bowling alley.

Or you can stand outside

Pringle's hardware store...

and watch color

television in the window.

Hey, you're not

reading me right, pal.

What's with the broads

around here?

Broads? Oh, you mean

action action.

Yeah. It's a habit

with me, like breathing.

I should have known

from the gossip columns.

Well, it's not that I like to.

You see, I have to

because if I skip one night...

I wake up the next morning

with such a headache.

Oh.

No, no.

This is our bedroom.

You're in there.

This is it...

a sort of a combination

sewing room and guest room.

You ought to have this tuned.

Tuned?

About your problem...

you know...

that headache you

were talking about...

maybe you ought

to try the Belly Button.

The what?

There's this roadhouse

just outside town...

called the Belly Button.

They've got these

cocktail waitresses.

They're very friendly.

At least, that's what I hear.

I've never been there myself.

After all, I'm a married man.

This your wife?

Yes, sir. Her name is lambchop.

It's really Zelda.

I call her lambchop.

How about that?

She sews and she knits

and she puts up preserves.

And she grows her own parsley.

Must be a great girl all around.

Oh, she is.

You lucky dog!

Well, I guess

you're all set here.

You know where everything is.

It takes a few minutes

for the hot water to get hot.

And if there's anything

else you want...

bye now.

Oh, hello, darling.

Hello.

Sorry I'm late.

Dr. Sheldrake sends

you his regards.

That's nice.

How'd it go there?

- Where?

- At the dentist.

Oh, fine. Fine.

Did he hurt you?

No. But he thinks he'll have to

pull my wisdom tooth.

You're lying, Zelda.

Well, maybe he can save it.

You weren't

at the dentist at all.

Your appointment

isn't till next Tuesday.

It's next Wednesday.

So where were you today?

If you must know,

I was at my mother's.

On a Saturday?

Isn't that when she works

at the blood bank?

Orville, I'm not going to

answer any more questions.

You haven't

answered any so far.

I'm sick and tired

of you spying on me...

and cross-examining me...

and checking the mileage

on my car.

Don't change the subject.

I have myself vaccinated...

and right away you want

to know who bit me.

All right, who bit you?

I mean, where were you?

And what's in that box?

You really want me

to tell you?

Yes.

It's a present for my lover.

Oh! Oh, it is, huh?

It's today?

September 30th.

I thought it was the 31st.

It was going to be a surprise,

and now you've spoiled it.

I'm sorry, darling.

I guess I'm a monster.

Yes, you are.

I don't know why

you put up with me.

I don't, either.

Talk about mental cruelty.

Jealousy.

Suspicion, nagging,

and cross-examining.

Do you want to know

why I'm late?

You don't have to explain.

Because of those

idiots at the bakery.

I ordered pistachio cake,

and they made it chocolate.

I know how you hate chocolate.

Pistachio, chocolate...

who cares?

I love you.

Actually, I didn't mind waiting

because otherwise I never

would have seen him.

Who?

I looked out the window...

and there he was,

driving by in his car.

Who?

He wore sunglasses,

and he needed a shave...

but I recognized him anyway.

Who?

Dino?

I nearly fainted.

I've been crazy about him

since I was 16.

You never told me.

I used to be president of

his fan club...

and secretary-treasurer.

There were just two

of us...

me and Rosalie Schultz,

but she chickened out...

and went over to Mitch Miller.

I don't blame her.

Imagine, Dino in person...

driving down Citrus Avenue.

You must be imagining it.

It's ridiculous.

What would a guy like that

be doing in Climax?

Anyway, I read somewhere

that he's in Hollywood.

Television or something.

What are you doing?

I just want to play "Volare."

Oh, no, you don't.

Why not?

You never know

who's going to barge in.

Who?

I don't know. Rosalie Schultz,

Mitch Miller, anybody.

And besides, I don't want

a strange man singing to you.

There you go again.

I mean, after all,

it is our anniversary.

I've got another

surprise for you.

Another?

You'll love it.

I'd better go in the sewing

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