Kiss Me, Stupid Page #2

Johnny Mercer?

Savannah, Georgia.

And he only won

four Academy Awards.

So play!

I'm Las Vegas

Without a slot machine

I'm a gypsy

Without a tambourine

I'm Napoleon

Without a Josephine

When I'm without you

Gets better

all the time, huh?

I'm a doctor

Without a single pill

I'm a lawyer

Who never drew a will

I'm a dentist

Without a tooth to fill

When I'm...

Tender gums.

That's a hell of a thing

to say to a married woman.

Oh, what are you talking about?

It's that new dentist.

I can't keep her

away from the place.

She's there right now,

in the chair.

He's tilting her

all the way back.

He's giving her laughing gas.

She's laughing.

He's laughing, too!

They're both laughing...

at me!

Relax, will you, Orville?

You'll drive yourself crazy.

Dr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake.

Dr. Sheldrake. Dr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake.

Did you hear the one

about the nearsighted turtle...

who fell in love with a helmet?

Then there's the one

about the nearsighted snake...

who proposed

to a piece of rope!

Hello?

This is Dr. Sheldrake.

I told you. Listen to them.

I know what

you're laughing at...

you and my wife,

and I'm going to report you

to the Dental Association!

Who is this?

This is the husband...

and you're not

kidding me for a second.

I know what you're doing to her.

I'm putting an inlay

in her lower left bicuspid.

I thought so.

Let me talk to her.

Mrs. Mulligan,

your husband on the phone.

Mrs. Mulligan?

I don't want to talk

to Mrs. Mulligan.

I want to talk

to Mrs. Spooner!

Mrs. Spooner? She isn't here.

Her appointment

isn't till next Wednesday.

Next Wednesday?

Oh! I'll give her the message

when she comes home.

You were right.

I was worrying about nothing.

She isn't even there.

You nut!

I'm a bullfight

Without a matador

I'm a heckler

Who never gets the floor

Casanova

The night he didn't score

Each time...

Why isn't she there?

Where is she?

Why was she lying to me?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Orville.

It's Johnnie Mulligan,

of course.

His mother's at the dentist...

he's at home alone, and

she's with him!

Johnnie Mulligan? Come off it.

He ain't even shaving yet.

The milkman! He's shaving.

It must be some kind of code.

A dozen eggs... that's twelve.

They're meeting behind

the dairy at 12:
00.

Now you're running amok.

You can't go around

suspecting everybody.

Sometimes I'm not even

so sure about you.

Me?

I'm scared, Barney.

I'll tell you, I'm scared.

I'm married to

the prettiest girl in town...

and she's gonna leave me

one of these days.

I just know it.

- She will?

- Yes, she will.

And you know why?

Because you're a nobody.

Giving piano lessons

for a buck and a quarter.

Maybe once a week you play

a wedding or a funeral.

Big deal.

Why, a beautiful girl like that,

she should be spoiled.

A touch of mink,

fun in Acapulco...

breakfast at Tiffany's!

Fat chance.

Orville, all it takes

is one hit, just one hit.

"How Much is That Doggie

in the Window?"...

three million records.

"White Christmas"...

eight million records.

You think Irving Berlin's

afraid of losing his wife?

No, I guess not.

That's why you got to keep

putting those

nickels in the slot.

Because you never know when

you're gonna hit the jackpot.

Yeah. I guess so.

Well, then, let's go.

I'm a poached egg

Without a piece of toast

Yorkshire pudding

Without a beef to roast

I'm a haunted house

That hasn't got a ghost

When I'm without you

I'm a mousetrap

Hey! Hey!

I'm Vienna

Without the Viennese

I'm da Vinci

Without the Mona Lis

When I'm without you

You know, I'm beginning

to like that Mona Lis.

What did I tell you?

Aw, hold it, mister!

I'm coming.

Stay with it, will you?

What'll it be?

A shave and a haircut.

The works, baby.

Hey.

What's the matter?

You know who you are?

Sure. I'm the greatest.

I'm the prettiest.

Y-y...

What do you do for

cigarettes around here, huh?

- Cigarettes?

- Yeah.

Hmm.

Or...

Orville!

Hey, Orville!

Come here quick!

You know, I've been here

for five years...

but this is the first time

that anybody...

oh, sure, back in '61...

Liberace pulled in here

with a flat tire...

but we never had anybody

that's somebody like you.

Where's the men's room?

Oh.

Wait a minute.

I want you to meet

a friend of mine.

Orville, look who we got here!

Who?

It's Dino!

Oh! How do you do?

This is Orville Spooner.

He plays the piano and the organ

at the church.

Oh, he's a terrific musician.

Well...

the face is familiar.

Oh?

Not yours, his.

Oh.

OK if I go

to the john now?

Orville, this is it.

This is our jackpot.

Remember "That's Amore"?...

top single for 37 weeks.

Or "Memories are Made

of This"?...

over two million copies!

And he's got his own

recording company.

I'll run over and get

some of our songs!

No, no, no. That's

not the way to do it.

You got to be more subtle.

Subtle?

Just start singing him

one of our tunes, casual-like.

Or hum a little. Catch his ear.

I see.

What are you waiting for? Go!

I'm a poached egg

Without a piece of toast

Yorkshire pudding

Without a beef to roast

I'm a haunted house

That hasn't got a ghost

When I'm without you

I'm a western

Without a hitching post

There's paper towels

in the ladies' room.

I'm a mousetrap

Without a piece of cheese

I'm da Vinci

Without the Mona Lis

Mona Lis?

I'm Las Vegas

Without a slot machine

I'm Napoleon

Without a Josephine

What's with him?

Catchy tune, isn't it?

We wrote it together.

- No.

- Yeah.

We're gonna call it

"I'm a Poached Egg."

I'm a poached... cuckoo.

How much do I owe you?

$5.15. Too bad

you're in such a hurry...

because if we had just

a little more time...

Here you are.

100? Oh, I can't change this.

I'll have to run to the bank.

Why don't you have a cup

of coffee with Orville?

Get acquainted.

We've got a lot of songs...

and they really sound

better on the piano.

Uh, just a minute.

Here, here. Here's $10.

Keep the change.

Oh, wait!

I forgot to check the oil.

You know, uh, "I Left My Heart

in San Francisco?"

Big hit, right?

They stole it from us.

Is that so?

We wrote it first,

only it was called...

"I Left My Heart

in San Diego."

Exactly the same idea.

We just missed by a few miles.

All set.

We also have an

Italian-type song...

like "Volare," only better.

It would be just perfect

for you.

Shove it in an envelope...

and send it to

my office in Hollywood.

Oh, no. All you guys want to

do...

is steal those return stamps!

Aww, the hell with him.

He sings flat anyway.

Flat, sharp, or round...

he sells, doesn't he?

Yeah. I guess we muffed it.

Who knows when we'll get

a chance like this again?

Oh, I'd say

in about three minutes.

Three minutes?

I disconnected his fuel line.

He's got enough gas

in the carburetor...

to go a couple blocks.

Cuckoo!

Yeah. Right now he's stalled...

on the corner

of Citrus and Yucca.

He's going into Pringle's

hardware store.

He's asking if he

could use the phone.

We should be hearing from him

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