Kissing Jessica Stein

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[ Man ] For the sin

we have committed by gluttony.

[ Al I ] And for the si n we have

committed by succumbing to despair.

For the sin we have committed

by stubbornness.

And for the sin

we have committed...

by rashlyjudging others.

[Rabbi Continues ]

[ Whispering ] Sweetheart,

do you see that guy in the corner...

with the dark hair

and the blueyarmulke?.

Absolutelygorgeous.

That's Ben Feldman, M&A,J.P. Morgan.

- [ Loudly ] He has no chin!

- Mother, be quiet.

- Shh!

- He recentlyseparated frrom his wifre.

- Some shikseh from I daho.

- She could do better. She could!

- You could do better.

- Mother.

Mother, would you stop

feeding her perfectionism?.

You did the same thing with Larry.

- I didn't like him either.

- What's not to like?.

The man was a prince.

- I didn't care for him.

- What doyou mean?

- He wasn't the one, okay?.

- Oy, the one.

- He had no sex appeal.

Mother, sha!

He's right over there.

[Rabbi Continues ]

Marriage is

the hardest thing we do.

She is 28 years old. She hasn't

dated in a year. I'm afraid...

- she'll be alone forever--

- Mom, would you shut up?. I'm atoning!

Shh!

# Gray clouds

are gonna clear up #

# Put on a happyfrace #

# Brush offthe clouds

and cheer up #

# Put on a happy frace #

# Take offthe gloomy mask

ofrtragedy #

# It's notyour style #

# You look so good

thatyou'll be glad#

# You decided to smile #

# Pick out a pleasant outlook #

# Stick out that noble chin #

# Wipe offthat

frull-ofr-doubt look #

# Slap on a happy grin #

# And spread sunshine #

# All over the place #

#Just put on a happy frace #

# Spread sunshine #

# All over the place #

#Just put on a happy frace #

# Gray clouds

are gonna clear up #

# With sunshine

all over the place #

# Ifryou'll put on #

# A happy frace #

# Gray clouds

are gonna clear up #

# With sunshine

all over the place #

# Ifryou'll put on #

# A happy frace ##

[ Telephone Ringing ]

Peter, I ' m tel I i ng you,

trust me on this one.

- I t means "speechless, without words."

- I think "unimpressed."

- No, "speechless, perplexed."

- Are you sure on this?.

- I'm sure. Everybody gets this wrong.

- I'm almost positive here.

- Howard, define "nonplussed."

- "Speechless, perplexed."

Oh, thankyou, Howard.

- Oh, and Howard,

that cellist with the thing?.

- Two umlauts. Both "U"s.

Right, right, right.

Oh, my God! Hi!

- Hi. Thankyou.

- Congratulations.

-Okay, you're glowing. Areyou thrilled?.

-Let's see.

I can't drink, smoke

or eat sushi for nine months.

- Honestly, I'm panicked.

- Oh, my God.

Did you guys celebrate last night?.

- It's so exciting.

- Yeah. Oh, God. Matthew's so excited.

- Meyers, I gotta talk toyou.

- Hey, Stein.

Chuck, did you get my E-mail?.

- Yeah. Uh, "deep-seeded." Who knew?.

- Right.

It has nothing to do with seeds.

Refrers to how deeplysomething is set.

- Sorry about that,Josh.

- Oh, sh*t!

- No problem. Don't worry about it.

- What is this?

- What didyou do to this?

- What is what?.

This profile. You gutted it.

You totally gutted it.

It was sappy and long-winded.

You practicallywent down on the guy.

Went down on the guy?.

Okay, you know what, Meyers?.

This is one ofthe great

directors of our time.

I think he merits

a little praise in the lead.

- It's an article, Stein,

not a puff piece.

- It's a tribute.

- This is an artist. We can't

afford an adjective for him?.

- [Telephone Ringing]

Not one?. I think it was a really

good piece. It was well written,

- it was clear, it had heart--

- Stein?.

- Stein?. Your phone is ringing.

- Yeah?. What?.

[Ringing Continues ]

Your phone is ringing.

[ Groans ]

-Jessica Stein.

- [ Man ] Hey,Jessie!

Oh! Hey, Danny.

I'm sorry.

- I got some news.

- Areyou okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just--

You can't tell

Mom and Dad yet, okay?.

- Oh. Yeah, okay. Uh-huh.

- Areyou sitting down?.

I proposed to Rach!

I'm getting married!

Wow!

Wow.

[Jessica's Voice ]

"It is not inertia alone...

"that is responsible fror human

relationships repeating themselves...

"frrom case to case,

"indescribably monotonous

and unrenewed.

"It is shyness befrore any sort ofrnew,

unfroreseeable experience...

"with which one does not think

oneselfrable to cope.

"But only someone

who is ready fror everything,

"who excludes nothing,

"not even

the most unenigmatical,

will live the relation

to another as something alive. "

[Jessica ]

God, this is great. This is great.

I am so glad that

you asked me to do this.

I mean, it was so bold ofyou

to come up to me at the gym.

I mean, I thought

I'd finally give it a shot.

Sometimes, you-you seem

so focused on yourworkout,

- I wasn't sure ifyou'd talk to me.

- Oh, no.

That's just the whole gestalt

ofthe gym thing.

I mean, it's so

narcissistic and shallow.

I thinkwe all tryto maintain

a certain anonymitywhilewe're there.

No, I have to disagree

with you there.

I really love working out.

I mean, granted, it is

a little narcissistic, as you say,

but I reallyget a high,

you know,

from all those "endorphmins"

pumping and all.

So, um,

you're a writer.

That's, uh--

That's amazing.

- Hi. Hi.

- Hey! Hey!

- I'm sorry I'm so late.

- No, you're right on time.

- What?. I'm-I'm an hour late.

- No, no.

You are right on time.

Hey, "tarbender'

the lady'll have a, uh--

Uh, I will have a frozen strawberry

margarita with salt, please.

Well, I see great minds

think alike.

Uh, we split the salad. But I think,

as I recall, you ate a little bit more,

including more ofrthe arugula, which

is one ofrthe more expensive greens.

I didn't have any of the goat cheese.

I'm allergic.

No dessert.

Easy enough.

That leaves your portion at $42.73,

and mine at $1 8.1 4.

Beautiful. Perfect.

You have exact change?.

It's so funny,Jessica.

But I go out with a lot of girls.

A lot.

And Ijust-- I don't know.

Ijust freelso--

so comfortable with you,

so at home, so free to be myself.

Normally, I'm a pretty

"self-defecating" guy.

Let me tellyou something.

You're "phat. "

I'd love to see you twirl

in that dress.

- With a P-H.

- Twirl.

Oh, okay.

[ Mumbling ]

- As it were, per se.

- I like the wayyour hair...

- Uh--

-... goes around your head like that.

- You know what I mean?.

- You know?. You know?.

- Whoops! I spilled some.

- What's not to get?.

I thinkwe're connecting,

and I'd like to representyou...

as your accountant

and your boyfriend,

ifthat's--

that's at all possible.

Okay, the New Yorker loves us.

The reviewer is creaming in her pants.

- So exhale, please. Okay?.

- Okay.

His back has been like

solid concrete all night.

Your boyfriend has on

his serial killer face again.

He's scaring

some ofrthe guests.

He's been

a little needy lately.

I'll talk to him.

Oh, hon.

You are late.

I'm sorry. My cab driverwas Ukrainian,

and my Slav is only so-so.

[Woman ]

Soyou wanna do something later?

- I'm gonna be at the library later...

- Oh, yeah?.

- in the 1 6th century archive, nude,

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