Kissing Jessica Stein Page #2

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- Mm-hmm.

with a bookmark dangling

precariously off of my dick.

So I'll be waiting foryou.

Oh. Should I bring

anything?.

Justyour

unbelievable body...

andaphoto I.D..

anda library card.

- Pickup.

- Oh, yeah. It's right this way, please.

# You're so readynow#

# The frruit is ripe

fror takin'##

## [ Continues ]

Oh, where have you been?.

I've been waiting foryou all day.

They got me mad busy today.

- Martin, where's Helen?.

- Delivery.

[ Moans ]

Wait. I'm still working.

[Man OverSpeaker]

Sorry, sweetie. Line one.

Jesus Christ.

Okay. Got it.

[ Moans ]

Helen Cooper.

Why are you always doing these things

to destroy this relationship?.

We're not in a relationship.

We're in a situation.

- You have to stop right now.

- Yes, and I'm sureyourwife

feels the same way.

Listen, I gotta baby-sit

this show.

What areyou doing later?.

How's 1 1 :
00 foryou?.

- How's right now foryou?.

- [ Moans ]

Thanks very much.

[Woman ]

How does this art makeyou freel?

Does it turn you on?.

Does it make you hot?.

D.oes it scareyou?

D.oes it minimizeyou as a man?

- You're really gonna do this?.

- I've decided.

You've decided, orwas it that article

in New York Magazine last month?.

- I've decided.

- Mm-hmm.

I just think it's time,

you know?.

- It's the one thing

I haven't experienced.

- Ofrcourse it's time, sweetie.

You go on with your frisky self,

and don't let Mr. Fuddy-Duddy

piss on your parade.

- Thankyou.

- Mar?.

- Mm-hmm?.

- What is the problem?.

She is trying new things.

Sure. Today,

sexual preference.

- Tomorrow, Henna tattoos.

- Okay.

So, let's see.

OscarWilde is too flip.

Emily Dickinson is too trite.

It has to be just so.

Maybe George Eliot.

- Why do I have to have a quote again?.

- Well, let's see.

If it's brainy enough, it'll weed out

the real unwashed masses.

Andifrit's well chosen,

you come across as someone...

who understands the plight

ofyour prospective partner--

the plight of humanity.

And by couching that understanding

in the words ofra great writer,

you appear sophisticated,

but earnest.

- Grounded, but hopeful.

- Oh, my God!

Sweetie, you're gonna have more p*ssy

than you know what to do with.

- Here, take a look.

- Rilke?.

Rilke's very profound.

Here.

So the first thing you wanna do is say,

"For friendship or more."

Wait. Why?.

Because then you have access to

all the bi-curious straight girls.

Straight girls?

But Bas--

Trust me.

Virgin flesh?. Mangia.

Bring that.

Let's go.

"Professional E-E, U-W-S,

V-G-L, N-S, D-W-M,

seeking same."

- What could that mean?.

- I'm not reallyversed

in single scene acronyms, so--

- Oh. Listen to this one.

This guy used a quote.

- That is so cheesy.

"It is not inertia alone

that is responsible...

"for human relationships

repeating themselves.

It is shyness before--"

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

- This one stinks.

- Actually, I think it's Freud.

Rilke. Uh,

one ofthose, I think.

Oh. Sorry. Guess I should read on.

"But only someone--"

Does he, um,

describe himself?.

Esoteric quote man?.

Let's see.

Oh. That's

women seeking women.

You know what, guys?.

Um, I really have a lot ofwork to do.

- Would you mind terribly--

- No. No, no, no.

Thanks. Sorry.

- Jess? Charles can make it

tonight after all.

- Yeah.

- So you're gonna get to meet him.

- Oh, good.

That would be great.

Thanks.

- Hey,Joan, is it okay

if I bring a date tonight?.

- Oh.

- Sure. The more, the merrier.

- Great. I'll seeyou tonight.

You invited Josh?.

Ew!

[Telephone Ringing]

[Telephone Ringing]

[Helen Over Machine ]

Hey, it's Hel. Leave it at the beep.

[ Woman, Husky Voice ] Hi. My name's

Nan, and I'm calling aboutyour ad.

I'm looking fror someone

with a big heart, an open mind,

and an adventurous spirit.

Also, in the long term, I'm looking

fror someone to mother a child with me.

- Wouldyou be into that?

- [ D.oorbell Rings ]

- Be quiet. You get it.

- Come on. I t'l I be adorable.

I t's not adorable. You are totally

loving this, aren't you?.

Please. I'm 1 60 pounds

and I wake up vomiting.

I have to live

through someone.

- Go. He's looking.

- This is embarrassing.

- Okay. Be quiet.

- He's staring. It's gonna be weird.

- Hi. I'm Charles.

- Hi.

-Jessica. [ Chuckles ]

- [Telephone Ringing]

Hey, it's Hel.

Leave it at the beep.

[ Woman ]

Hi, Helen. I'm calling aboutyour ad.

I would really like to meetyou

as soon as possible,

becauseyou sound

really special.

And to tell you the truth,

I'm hangin' on by a thread here,

and I couldreallyuse

someone special.

So, um,

just call me, okay?

# Sky's blue #

# You know what I'm freeling

You know #

# The verysweet sound

ofryour laughter ##

## [ Continues ]

[Jessica ] Oh, my God. Whatever.

I'm so happy...

to be eati ng a meal with i ntel I igent

people-- you have no idea.

That's us?.

I know, right?. So thankyou all

for not being freaks or morons...

or using words incorrectly.

Bless you all.

Tell me about it.

Most people I meet at the salon...

are totally "malcompetent."

So, Charles,

what aboutyou?

Have you had a horrible time

out there too?.

- Oh, uh, I don't know. I do okay.

- Yeah?.

Actually, I just met

somebody pretty special.

Um, her name's Michelle.

And it's early, but--

- I don't know. It freels right.

- Charles.

I thought you were single.

Didn't you tell me that, honey?.

[Sighs ]

Uh, I thought so.

[ Charles ] I'm sorry.

Is this supposed to be a setup?

[Jessica ]

No, no. No way. Not a setup.

J ust-J ust a friendly dinner.

- Absolutely. J ust a group of friends.

- [Joan ] Yes.

Matthew and I just like

to have our friends know each other.

Well,you know,Jessica,

don't worry about it. I mean, it's--

We've all been through it.

It's just a jungle out there.

[Josh ]

Yeah, especially fror Stein. I mean,

she always has trouble meeting people

who are good enough for her.

Yeah. God, I wish

I hadyour luck,Josh.

I see you have no trouble

meeting people ofyour caliber.

You know, Stein, why don't you

cut yourself a break?.

It's obviously not the time

to be meeting someone anyway.

- Really?. What?. Not the season?.

- No.

It's just because you're

clearly not open to it.

Excuse me?. I'm sorry.

How would you know?.

Well, I do have

a little history to draw from.

But even ifl didn't,

you've known Charles here...

for about an hour,

and in that time...

you've insulted and dismissed

a panoply of men...

based on factors as reductive

as a linguistic misstep,

a different view from yours

on going Dutch, a kind reaction

toyour legendary lateness,

and a genuine interest

in yoga.

You know, I think

it was Anais Nin who said,

"We don't see things

as they are.

We see things

as we are."

[ Chuckles ]

Generally, I'm not much ofa Nin fan,

but I do feel that bit

sums you up to a "T",Stein.

So I don't think the problem's

with these poor men--

these freaks and morons,

as you put it.

I think the problem

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