Kissing Jessica Stein Page #3

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is with you.

Jessica?.

Uh,Jessica?.

I--

- Hi. I was just looking foryou.

- Hi.

- Helen. Hi.

- Right. Hi.

- Good to meet you.

- I'm sorry I'm so late.

- I'm always late.

- Don't worry about it. Come sit.

I hopeyou didn't

wait long.

No. Well, I was just starting

to get worried...

- that maybeyou weren't

gonna show at all.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Um-- [ Exhales ]

Helen, right?.

Um, you know, gosh. I should've

said this on the phone...

and I didn't, and...

I'm sorrythat I didn't,

but...

you should really know that...

this isn't me.

- It isn't?.

- Not at all.

I'm sorry.

Taxi!

[ Groans ]

- Sh*t!

- Which part ofrit isn'tyou?

Oh. Uh, all of it.

So why did you--

Um, yeah, you know what?.

The truth is,

I've ben trying to be a little less

me lately, and that's why this.

But, really,

I'm still me, see?.

I see.

Well, look.

We don't have to do a whole big--

We could just get a drink.

- Yeah, I don't think so. Taxi!

- Oh, come on.

You don't wanna go

to your dinner so frazzled.

My-- Oh, my dinner.

Right. Right.

Yeah, I think a little red wine

would really help to,you know--

Look, um,

you seem really nice.

I just--

I-I made a mistake.

I-I have to go.

Oh!

Oh, my--

- Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

- Oh! Oh.

- Oh, God. I-I-- You know what?.

- Don't be silly.

- I, uh--

- Let me help you.

I missed myyoga class this morning,

and I'm not my usual centered self.

D.oyou do--

D.oyou doyoga regularly?

- Is that something--

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Every day, actually.

I find it keeps me

really strong and energized...

and, uh,

usually graceful.

Right.

I've heard that.

- Haveyou never tried it?.

- Oh, no, no, no.

I don't think I could sit still

and breathe for long.

-I'd panic.

-So what doyou like to do for exercise?.

Oh, um,

I like basic exercise.

I like to run orwalk.

Just keep moving, you know?.

I feel like as long

as I'm moving, I'm safe.

- What doyou do when you're sleeping?.

- I'm a terrible insomniac.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Since when?.

Um, I don't know.

Birth.

Well, listen, ifyou ever

changeyour mind and wanna try a class,

- I'd be happy to--

- Yeah, I don't think so.

Oh, well,

don't decide right now.

Just let it marinate

for a while.

Um-- Okay.

I, uh, I will

let it "marinate."

I am never gonna

get a cab.

Maybe just one drink.

Okay,just--

I have, like, 20 minutes.

Well, wait, wait. This Larry,

that must've been pretty serious, huh,

- ifhe proposed?.

- Oh, no, no. I mean-- No, it was.

- It was.

- Well, what happened?.

I--

It wasn't right.

He-He just wasn't funny,

you know?.

- Oh, bummer.

- I think that's been my big thing.

Not smart or not funny,

or not smart and not funny.

Or-Orsmart,

but funny in

a totally unappealing way.

You know?. Just like funny/stupid,

or funny/dopey,

but not funny/witty or funny/ironic

or funny/goofy, you know?.

Or-Or they seem smart, and then

you realize that they aren't at all.

And that's funny,

but funny/tragic.

Um--

So anyway,

ifyou're then lucky enough...

to find someone who's the good kind

of smart and the good kind offunny,

then generally

they're just kind of--

- Ugly.

- Ugly.

Ugly. I'm sorry.

- Yes, a little. Is that--

That's awful, right?.

- No.

Ugly doesn't do it froryou.

That's okay.

- Me, I'm kind of into ugly.

- What?

As long as it's

sexy-ugly.

Sexy-ugly?. I--

Define.

Well, you can't. It just is,

you know?. Sexy-ugly.

Okay, well, um,

could you, um--

could you give me a celebrity...

- who would fall into the category?.

- Um,yeah.

Hold on a second.

I'll get you one. Um--

Angelica Huston?.

- Is that kind ofthe right idea?.

- Yeah, I guess.

- I was gonna say MickJagger.

He's the big one.

- Oh.

Oh, Lyle Lovett, um,James Woods,

Harvey Keitel.

Very sexy-ugly.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

So, uh--

So you're not--

I mean,

you've-you've tried--

Um, you've dated men.

- Of course.

- Oh, good!

- What?.

- Good. I'm-- No, I'm relieved.

I-I-I just--

I assumed that you had--

Oh, I have... also.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I, um--

I just find a lot

of different things sexy.

Oh. I don't.

So, should we settle

the tab?.

- What?

- Yeah, it's, um, 8:1 0.

Don'tyou have a--

- Oh, uh, no.

- You don't?

- No. I lied.

- But I thought--

I know a great Indian place.

- Helen? Can I askyou a question?

- Yeah?

- Sure.

- What color lipstick areyou wearing?

Well, it's three different kinds.

I blend.

- Really?.

- Yeah.

- Real ly?. Wow.

- Would you like to know the--

- Would you feel comfortable?.

Is that something--

- No, of course.

I'd love to share.

I start with Mac Viva Glam III,

- Uh-huh. Right.

- which is a great base,

- and then I add

Prescriptive's Poodle on top.

- I love Prescriptive's.

- Isn't it the best?.

The moisture and the spray.

- It has the best texture.

And then I finish with Philosophy

Supernatural Nude, which is more ofa--

- Ofa glossy kind ofthing?.

- Exactly. For the shine.

Right. Right.

Wow.

- That's it.

- Wow.

Well, it looks, um,

just beautiful on you.

Oh, thankyou.

Hey, you should try ityourself.

It would look gorgeous

on your complexion.

Oh, thankyou.

But, um--

Yeah, the blending thing is a little

labor-intensive for me, you know?.

I'm kind oflooking

for that one.

Well,you'll neverfindit.

I'm tellingyou-- blend.

-All right, so tell me again.

- Okay.

- Roland, Steven and Craig--

- Greg.

Greg. Right, okay.

And, um-- D.o you have a fravorite?

U m, no, not particularly.

Wel l, does one of them

get more time than everyone else?.

- Or, you know, a favorite one?.

- No.

I mean, basically,

I call Roland when I'm hungry,

Steven when I'm bored,

and Greg when I'm horny.

- Who doyou call when you're sick?.

- I don't get sick.

Oh.

Good system.

That's crazy!

Who doesn't do E-mail?.

I hate computers.

I object to them.

- Butyou must use them at the office.

- Yes.

At work I'm forced to,

but never at home.

I mean, even at the office I don't

send E-mails. I just receive them.

But-But--

- What?.

- Have you discussed this

with your therapist?.

Oh, no.

-There's too much on the agenda already.

-Like what?.

- Um,just the usual.

- ## [Tambourines ]

Older, nothing to show for it, no kids

or anything, why am I on the planet?.

Like that.

God, they're so crazy.

- Um, no more so than anyone else.

- What?

A little more so,

I'd say.

- I don't think so.

- But theyare, objectively.

I think they're, you know,

just doing their thing.

They don't do anything.

They play the tambourine all day

and ask people for money.

- They have no goals.

- I think theyhave a prettyloftygoal.

Oh, really?. What?.

New robes?.

- Spiritual enlightenment, happiness.

- Come on.

- They're weird. Look at them.

- They're happy.

- They're happy.

- What?.

Some people smoke pot. Some people

bungee jump. Some people chant.

- What doyou do to be happy?

- Nothing. I'm not. Wait, wait, wait.

I have a job. I mean, I'm accomplishing

something in the world.

Oh, really?.

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