Kissing Jessica Stein Page #4

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What areyou accomplishing?.

I'm-I'm bringing

the news to people.

You know, information?.

I'm being a grown-up.

I'm notjust out frorme andmy

enlightenment. What they do is selfish.

Selfish?. They are dealing

with their stuff and the energy

they put out to the universe.

That's a lot more valuable

than being miserable all the time.

Wait a second.

I'm sorry.

Areyou saying that

my life has no value?.

No! I am saying that maybe

underneath all the neurosis,

you have a profound capacity

for happiness thatyou're

not allowing to exist.

- How doyou know?. You just met me.

- You can't possibly know...

whoyou are or howyou'll respond

to something until you try it.

I happen to disagree. I happen

to think ifyou knowyourselfwell,

you can gauge how

you're gonna react to something.

And I can pretty much assureyou

that I will never be made happy...

by chanting for

spiritual enlightenment.

- Or maybeyou would. You can't know.

- Trust me. I know.

- You know?.

- Yeah, I know.

- You know how

you'll react to everything?.

- Pretty much, yes.

I guess you're right.

You seem to know yourself

prettywell.

Come on. Since when

does she care about what I think?.

Josh, she left before dessert.

I think she was a little upset.

- Well, did you talk to her

over the weekend?.

- I left her three messages.

She didn't return any of my calls.

I think she's devastated.

Hey,you guys!

I brought doughnuts.

-## [Humming]

-[Keyboard Clacking]

## [ Humming ]

Look,Stein, you know,

I just wanna apologize

forwhat I said on Friday night.

Oh, hey, no problem.

You had an opinion and you expressed it.

- Maybeyou were right.

- No, I mean, really.

I mean, who am I to--

What did you say?.

I said,

maybe you were right.

Right. Glad there are

no hard feelings.

- Yeah. Oh, hey,Josh?.

- Yeah.

Do you ever use "marinate"

as a verb?.

I mean, no, not as a verb. As a verb

in other arenas than froodpreparation?

- What do you mean?. Like, "to sit with"?.

- Right, right, right.

To sit with something.

To let something marinate.

- No.

- Oh. I love it.

## [Humming]

You know what?.

Don't worry about it.

[ Intercom Buzzing ]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi. Come in, please.

- Hi.

- Oh, thankyou.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Wow.

- You look great.

- Oh, no, thankyou.

No. You-You do.

I-- I'm a mess, actually.

- Those shoes are gorgeous.

- Oh, thanks for noticing.

- Are they Nine West?.

- No, Kenneth Cole.

- Oh, you're kidding! Oh.

- No.

Well, they're very sexy.

They suityou.

Uh, can we cut to the chase

for a sec?.

Just get the hard topics

out ofthe way.

Um, sure.

What's on your mind?.

Um, well,

it's just that-that...

whenever I've thought

about lesbianism in the past,

I've always said, "Ew,"

you know?.

Just, "Ew. Can't go there.

Can't get excited."

- I mean, what would we do?. You know?.

- Right, right.

- I mean, this is your big issue.

- Right, right.

But I-I had such a wonderful time

with you the other night.

- Oh, me too.

- I really did.

And I've been marinating

on things.

And, um--

Anyway--

I have taken the liberty of getting some

informational materials on the topic,

- and I wondered ifl might--

- Oh, of course.

Okay, okay.

Well, uh--

This one leaflet was

particularly intriguing to me--

Lesbian Sex:

Hot, Safre andSane.

- Do you know it?.

- Uh, no. But please, share.

- I'd love to see it.

- Okay.

Well, um, I was surprised to learn

that lesbians accessorize.

I didn't know that.

So, for example,

on page 1 1 --

I dogeared it--

they show some ofthe higher-tech

lesbian accoutrement.

Um--

- Wow.

- [ Exhales ]

- Wow.

- Yeah.

So, gosh, um,

how would this work?.

Well, I think I would just

strap that on and--

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not fair.

We should certainly trade off

and share the load...

in terms of

giving and receiving.

But that doesn't address the actual

gross-out factor, ifyou will.

- Oh, no offense. No offense.

- Oh.

- No, none taken.

- Okay, 'cause, I mean, look at you.

Who wouldn't wanna

have sex with you, right?.

I mean, do you.

But, um--

Look,Jess, let's not put the cart

before the horse here...

with all the high-tech stuff, you know,

'cause we don't need any ofthat.

We don't?.

I myselfr

have always prefrerred...

the standard, organic,

old-fashioned way.

Right.

You're right.

So that'd be just--

- Well, it's basically the same

as with a man,

- Thankyou.

except minus one thing,

you know?.

Right, right.

Yes, well, right.

And let's face it, it's the other stuff

that works forwomen anyway, right?.

Yes, well, that is, um--

that is true.

Cheers.

- ## [Soul]

- Nice place.

- Thanks.

- [Man Singing]# It freels so good#

- Is that BarryWhite?.

- Uh, no.

Oh.

# Oh, what a groove#

- I'm gonna have to go slow, okay?.

- Oh, okay.

- Whateveryou need.

- Okay, great.

- Okay. It's okay.

- Sorry.

# Myhandsjust won't

keep still#

# I loveyou, baby ##

- Is this with tongue?.

- Uh--

I think we should just

play it by ear.

-Just see how it goes.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay, great.

Great.

[ Clears Throat ]

[Woman ]

# You got a blue eye#

# It's deeper than anyblue #

# As fror the green one #

- [ Gasps ] Sorry.

- Is that too much?.

-J ust a bit. Sorry.

- Okay, sorry.

- But it was good up until then, right?.

- Yeah.

## [ Continues ]

- Oh, my God! Please don't do that.

- That was just your stomach.

I know. I can't

do that ever, really.

- Even with a man.

- Oh.

Wow.

Okay. Okay.

- Maybe let's just--

- Okay.

## [ Continues ]

That was really good!

- I thought that was,

you know, the best one ever.

- Me too. Definitely.

# Oh, those crazy eyes ##

## [Ends ]

So, I figure if

we keep going like this,

we'll get there in, like,

two weeks or so.

Yeah, sure.

- There's no real rush.

- Are you sure?.

- Yeah, sure. Not at all.

- But you'd really--

- How about ten days?.

- Ten days is better.

Okay, good.

What does your therapist

say about all this?.

- I could never tell my therapist.

- Why not?.

Because it's private.

[Helen ]

It's not working out.

- I thought you said

you really liked her.

- I did.

- I do. It's just not working out.

- Why not?.

- Because she's a cock tease!

- Oh, my.

I mean, a tease.

- A poon tease.

- Right. Right.

And she's nervous

and neurotic and straight...

and not that into it,

and I don't have time.

I took out an ad, for Christ's sake,

and I end up with theJewish Sandra Dee.

What are the odds?. Who doyou have

to blow to get some p*ssy around here?.

- You know, enough is enough.

- On to the next.

- Onwards and upwards.

- Right, right.

- [ Cell Phone Ringing ]

- Plus, she doesn't even get it.

She thinks it's going great.

Schuller Gallery.

Hi.

Hi. How areyou?.

Yeah--

No, that's fine.

Whywould I mind?.

No, 8:
00 is perfect.

Okay, I'll seeyou there.

Bye.

Is she 1 2?.

- [ Gasps ]

- You a littlejumpytoday,Stein?.

- No.

- You got a hot date.

- No.

- Yeah. Who's the guy?.

- There is no guy.

- Oh, come on. You're

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