Kissing Jessica Stein Page #5

---

a terrible, terrible liar.

Trust me.

There is no guy.

# When the special girlfrriend#

# Meets a special girlfrriend#

# For a little shopping

Shop-to-shop they're hopping

Shopping without stopping #

# There 's no greater pleasure #

# Than to shop together #

# And the special girlfrriend

tells the special girlfrriend#

# You're my special girlfrriend#

# Oh, you're my fravorite

girlfrriend#

# My sweet and pretty

girlfrriend#

# I trust you, my girlfrriend#

# To keep our secrets

girlfrriend#

- [ Argui ng, I ndisti nct ]

- # When the special girlfrriend#

# Meets a special girlfrriend#

# With great tenderness she'll

tell her frriend she's special #

# Oh, my special

Oh, my special girlfrriend#

[ Woman ] So, what does my special

girlfrriend say about that?

[ Woman #2 ]

Well, I can only tell you one thing.

Ifr I didn 't have you,

we 'd get on so well.

- [ Woman # 1 ]

We 'd get on so awfrully well.

- How well we 'd get on together.

- ## [ Fades ]

- Sorry.

[ Woman On Film ]

Please take me with you.

I ' m strong.

I can stand anythi ng you can.

I t's too m uch for a woman.

T oo much for a woman?.

Put your arms

around me, Tom.

We should've seen

Gimmie Shelter.

I know, I know.

What were we thinking?.

Look, are you sure you don't mind?.

My office is really close.

It'll only take a second.

What?.

Guy on stoop.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wow. I get it.

- Sexy-ugly.

- I still could never.

[Jessica ]

It's part ofrmyreading series.

[ Chattering, I ndistinct ]

- Sh*t. Sh*t. What is he doing here?.

- Who?.

Nobody. My boss.

Come on. Shh.

Right over here.

Hey, Stein. Ijust can't

keepyou out ofrhere, can I?

- [ Nervous Chuckle ]

- Hi.

- I'm Josh Meyers.

- Helen Cooper. We're just--

- Friends from the gym.

- [Josh ] Oh.

- Stein has the pleasure

ofworking for me.

- Oh.

So you must be that "complete a**hole"

she's always talking about?.

[ Chuckling ]

Don't mind her.

She's just working out

some residual anger from college.

- You guys went to college together?.

- No.

He went with my brother.

I was a freshman when theywere seniors.

- We dated for a year.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- So, what happened?.

Well, she didn't think

I was living up to my potential.

- Which was what?.

- She thought I was gonna be

the next Hemingway.

Whatever. He was

an extremely talented writer.

Now he's a professional

"I" dotter and "T" crosser.

- Let's just get--

- We thought Stein was gonna be

the next Georgia O'Keefe,

but she's actually turned out to be

a pretty good "T" crosser herself.

- Okay, a pleasure as always,Josh.

- You paint?. I had no idea.

I'm really a hack. I don't at all. We

can go. I just gotta get this one thing.

Listen, can I just

use the bathroom?.

Oh,yeah. I'm sorry.

It's, um,

through that door, and it's right at the

elevator, left at the water fountain.

It's, uh, left

at the water fountain.

[Jessica ] But it's not-- There's

no-- It's not, "You will be wise.

You will gain great wisdom

through some lifre-altering event. "

I t's si m ply, "You are--"

What does yours say?.

- " Home is where the heart lies."

- Okay, you got an adage.

- Well, so what?. I like adages.

- You got an adage.

The whole notion

ofthe fortune cookie is a sham.

I mean, when does anyone--

Excuse me?.

- When does anyone get a frortune?

I'd like to know.

- It's all right.

I'm sorry. There are no frortunes

being dispensed here.

- I mean, it's a misnomer--

- Hey, hey. Sorry to interrupt

this big debate here,

but me and my friends over at the bar

have a little pool going.

Basically, we wanna determine

which one ofyou is more beautiful.

- Oh, right.

- Who won?.

Yousee, that's the thing. We're

sittin'over there scratching our heads,

- 'cause it's close,you know?

- Right.

We thought we'd come over here and

buyyou some drinks, do some research.

- I thi nk we're fi ne, thanks.

- Oh, no, pleasejoin us.

We would love that.

- What?.

- Because we were just trying

to settle an argument too.

- Really? What about?

- Well--

- No, it's kind ofweird.

- Come on. Tell us.

Okay.

We were just wondering...

whether a woman who's

only been with men...

could ever be sexually

attracted to a woman?.

What doyou think?.

Doyou think she could?.

Well, hey,

I think she could. Definitely.

- Ifshe couldn't, she should.

- God!

- What is that about?.

- What?

What is that male obsession with

lesbian sex about?. I don't get it.

- You know what?.

You don't have to answer that.

- Oh, come on!

- It's just... sexy, right?.

- Yeah.

It's kind ofhard to describe. I mean,

a woman alone is sexy, God bless.

But two women together

is like-- it's like--

- Double sexy.

- Right.

- Double sexy?. Wow.

- Yeah, uh-huh.

Wow.

That's nicely put.

Yeah, that, um,

really is nicely put.

But tell us exactly,

exactlywhat is it

about two women together...

- that you find so exciting?.

- Yeah.

Oh, come on.

You know, theirwhole--

Theirwhole thing, you know?.

Like, the way they touch.

Really?.

How do they touch?.

You know, when they-- Well, a woman

is soft, so when they touch each other,

it's, like, they're soft.

Women really know how

to touch.

But what would they do,

I wonder?.

[Man ]

Who cares what they'd do!

Just two women's bodies

together isjust hot!

Their hips, their legs, their belly

buttons. I mean, it's all good.

[Man #2 ] And obviously,

two women together would know how to--

They know how everything

works in there.

- Like how what works?.

- [ Gasps ]

-Jess, what's the matter?.

- Nothing. Uh, nothing.

It's just I have

a slight leg cramp.

Oh. You really should

get that looked at.

- Yeah. Yeah. Thankyou forthe concern.

- No problem.

Um, you knowwhat, guys?. I think

we really, really have to get going.

- Oh, no!

- Can't we getyou a drink or something?.

Uh, no, no. You know what?. I'm

a little worried aboutJessica's leg.

- Yeah.

- And I really think I should

get her into bed.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, it was nice meetingyou.

- Take care.

- Bye.

You see?.

That's the thing about women.

They really know how

to take care of each other.

## [Hip-Hop ]

## [ Woman Rapping,

Indistinct ]

- [D.oorbell Buzzing]

- Oh, come on!

Sh*t! Oh, my God.

Are you expecting somebody?.

- No!

- F***.

[ Muttering, I ndistinct ]

- Aah!

- Greg! Oh, my God. What are you doing?.

- I know you ain't been trying

to avoid me and sh*t.

- No, no.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Jessica.

I'm-I'm Greg.

How you doin'?. I'm sorry. I didn't--

Oh, no, no. No, no, no.

I was just going.

- No, wait! No, you're not.

- Yes,yes,yes, I was.

We just saw a movie, Greg, and I was

just gonna use Helen's bathroom...

because the line in

the theaterwas so long.

But Ijust did, so I'm good.

Andnow I'm gonna get going,

soyou guys should carry on.

Wait, wait.Jess,you, um, frorgot

thatjuiceryou wanted to borrow.

- So I 'l I just get it for you.

Excuse us.

- What?. No, no, I--

What are you doing?.

We were finally getting somewhere.

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