Knights of Badassdom Page #5

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and hell hath raineth down.

You didn't injure it,

you ignorant f***!

You transformed it!

Sorry.

Transformed into what exactly?

What?

What the f*** was that?

I don't know.

Ronnie Kwok's dragon!

- F***... F***!

- Sh*t... Sh*t!

Oh my God, we overslept again.

It's time for Evermore.

- Come on.

- Grab the f***ing horn.

The thing eats souls, you guys.

We are gonna die.

Sh*t!

- Sh*t.

- What?

It's the horn of war.

It means that the battle of

Evermore is going to start

in 10 minutes.

Why now... It's like three

in the f***ing morning.

It's not supposed to happen

for another few hours,

but Ira is a dick and did it early.

There's a LARPer

buffet on that field

and all those poor bastards

have are foam sticks.

We have to save them.

Are you f***ing nuts?

No.

I think I've done

enough damage already.

You... that thing...

That's real!

That thing slaughtered

our best friend.

You gonna let that stand?

You been out here

practicing this sh*t

every weekend for years.

Face it, man.

You've got everything

but you earned nothing.

Are you gonna hide from that then?

The way you hide from real life?

Or are you gonna man up

and avenge the death of our friend?

The time has come to

earn our valor, people.

For Hung.

Steel thyselves, adventurers.

The time for battle is nigh.

The fate of the glorious

kingdom of Evermore

rests in the balance.

Two armies fighting for one prize...

bragging rights

on the Evermore LARP

Alliance message board.

Diamond starts speech.

He rouseth the troops.

I am well aware...

that words cannot

inspire courage...

render a timid army valiant.

And perhaps words are

unnecessary for you,

my brave lot, for there is

no timidity within you.

Oh, wow.

You know, I worked

with him last year.

He's got such a gift

for the theatrics.

Yes, he loves it.

- Oh, here goes Carey.

- Here goes.

Some of you are gentle

souls in peace,

but when that horn of battle blows,

we must disguise our fair nature...

Summon up our blood!

Draw up our most terrible aspect!

- Unleash our rage!

- Ahhh... Mother...

Fortune is on our side,

but if that fickle b*tch

should prove unjust...

Then go down fighting like gods

and leave your enemies a bloody

and mournful victory

that tastes like ashes

in their mouths.

I covet only one thing.

Honor and victory!

Wait... Verily, that is two things.

Join me in coveting

those same glories.

For if it be a sin,

let us be the most

offending soul... souls alive!

They shall curse themselves

for not being here,

for not being able to

say they fought with us

upon the fields of Evermore!

Warriors are reminded

to remain honorable

in their combat.

No strikes to the codpiece.

Kwok's gonna be so

pissed he missed this.

No sh*t.

The horn bloweth.

The battle of Evermore has begun!

What the hell is that?

I kind... I lost the

official horn of battle.

This is the shofar

from my temple, so...

Evermore.

Charge!

Charge!

The battle is upon us.

Which army shall reap the

spoils of the conquest?

King Diamond's army

doth fight with valor

and opening a can of yon

whoop-ass upon their foes.

The king's army is

holding their ground,

matching them hit

point for hit point.

Calling Ronnie's dragon.

Get the hell out here already.

A dragon hath appeared.

A bounty of experience

points await the brave souls

who dare take on this

ferocious beast.

And please, don't be

douchelords with the wings.

The papier mch is still dying.

This is the best!

What was that?

Those f***ers didn't wait for me!

It took us two weeks

to build that thing.

What was that?

Get points, you get points.

Run, puny humans!

That's perfect, that's perfect.

- Oh, let's get them.

- Hit this one.

Yeah.

Motherfuckers.

Yeah!

Oh yeah.

I got the crip.

We're back, b*tches... ha!

These people are not

part of the game.

Repeat, not part of the game!

I'm so outta here.

Guild... Stand and fight

those red of neck!

Together, attack!

Triangulate!

Not so fast, Meals on Wheels.

Oh God!

Did it see us?

I don't know.

- What was that?

- I don't know.

- What's going on?

- What the hell?

Holy sh*t, what is that?

F***, f***!

Holy sh*t!

- What the f***!

- Sh*t!

Oh sh*t!

It's some sort of giant monster.

Looks maybe like a Batsu.

I don't know.

Maybe an Otyugh.

Or a Mind Flayer it

could be a rage Gollum.

Look, it's got the deadly tentacles,

just like the monster manual.

Sh*t, how is this even possible?

I don't know.

F*** this.

F***in' toy.

F***!

F***!

Okay.

Hold on... All right, I got a plan.

On the count of three, we're gonna

make a break for the path, all right?

One... hey, focus!

- Two.

- No, f*** this sh*t!

I am not moving another step until

somebody tells me what the hell...

There's something really

terrible coming, you guys,

and we're here to save... Oh sh*t.

Oh... sh...

Gwen, if the world isn't

swallowed up into hell...

You wanna go see a show sometime?

Nice timing, warrior.

Sure.

Yeah... Yeah, sure.

A show would be good.

No, demon!

You shall not harm

this quivering boy!

Hey!

- Thank you, mighty warrior!

- Yeah.

Hath though be Enochian?

Give us a smile, sweet cheeks.

Oh yes!

Yes!

F***.

God, what is that?

Ahhh... What is that sound?

She's laughing at us.

Enough, you b*tch!

F***.

Gotta find it, f***.

Ronnie, wh-what are you doing?

I drive a hybrid, Eric.

There's no on button in this thing.

You can speak Enochian

but can't drive a truck?

It's not my fault.

Ronnie, I can't find the

spell, where is it?

It's in the back of the book!

I marked it clearly!

It is in the back!

F***in' find it, find it, f***.

Oh, hey, I got this going, guys.

This shall not hold

the beast for long!

I got it, I got it, I got it!

The gem!

The gem!

Choke on it.

No, watch out!

No!

I'm on fire!

I'm on fire!

Gwen, I need you!

You okay?

Why the f*** would you do that?

I'm gonna stop saving your lives

if you don't show me

some f***ing gratitude!

Okay, okay, focus!

Where is the book that you

were just reading from?

- We need the book.

- F*** off.

- Well... Sh*t!

- No.

No, that's okay... This is good.

This is the gem we were...

Okay this is...

When he read the "Sigillum",

the gem glowed,

so that is the source of the power.

So the book is like an

instruction manual?

Yes!

But it's more like

a recipe booklet.

What does thou need?

I need a banishment spell

but the book is ruined,

so we don't have one!

I'll get your book.

Guys, whatever you're

doing, do it faster!

Was it like a thing, like, uh...

I don't know, I can't remember!

There was a note key.

There was like a...

Game master!

Here be your spell!

Oh my God, f***ing gambit!

It's a dead head!

What does it say?

It's hot and it's so awful.

I can't...

Calm down now.

Calm down!

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

Crap!

Ronnie!

It's up to you, Jobryeth.

Eric... Eric!

The gem combined with

signing, that's what makes

- the magic work, right?

- F*** if I know, man.

Are you a wizard or not?

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