Knocked Up

Light your nuts on fire.

F***! F***! My hands!

Too hot for Jonah!

I got f***ing water

in my mouth!

Oh, my God!

I got to get off! I got

to get off! Got to get off!

Got to get off!

Sadie, wake up!

Oh, my gosh!

Daddy, wake up!

Okay, I'm up.

Is that my genius over here?

Is that my genius?

I need you to take the kids

to school this morning.

I would, but I'm supposed

to work out.

What?

Yeah. I got an appointment

with a trainer. I can't cancel

it now. He'll charge me.

You didn't tell me that.

Yeah, I did.

Last week I told you.

You didn't tell me.

I did. And then I wrote it

on the calendar

like you told me to.

No, you didn't tell me.

I did tell you.

Well, you didn't,

but what are we gonna do,

'cause I have an appointment?

So you're taking

the kids to school.

Don't use the baby

to cover your tracks.

I can drive them.

I'll drive them to school.

Thank you very much.

Great. Good.

You turned my sister

into a limo driver.

I don't mind.

It all worked out!

What are you giggling about?

Be quiet.

You're starting to annoy me.

Poo poo.

Ladies. Be nice.

You know what

I did the other day?

What?

I googled "murder."

You googled "murder"?

Yeah.

Why?

I mean, what did it say?

It didn't say anything.

It just showed pictures

of people lying dead

on the floor and blood

everywhere, and...

That was just ketchup.

Who wants to hear some music?

I want to hear Rent.

I want to hear Green Day!

No, we're listening to Rent!

Well, I want to listen

to Green Day.

I got your baby!

Don't taunt her. Come on.

Here.

Sadie! Why did you just

do that? Don't throw

things at your sister!

She hit me.

Did you hit her?

I did not.

Make her happy. It's okay.

It won't make her happy.

It's okay. It's okay.

She spilled all the

marbles on the floor.

Well, give her

her marble back.

All right? Are you sure

you understand

the terms of the bet?

Because this is serious.

No.

Martin, all right, listen.

You don't shave your beard

or cut your hair for one year,

and if you can do that,

I will pay your rent.

But if you shave,

then you have to pay

all five of our rents.

Thanks for

the free money, b*tch.

Hey, Martin, was it weird

when you joined the Taliban,

being American

and everything like that?

Like when you see

a woman driving a car,

do you just get pissed?

Just watch your back, Serpico.

You never know

who your friends are.

Okay, all right. You guys

can't make fun of me

the whole time.

But, Martin, it's a competition.

It's called the Dirty Man Competition.

We're gonna make fun of you

until you shave the beard.

That's the rules.

That's the whole point.

You're supposed to be

tempted into shaving.

Your face looks

like Robin Williams' knuckles.

You guys aren't allowed

to make fun of me.

It's not part of the rules.

Martin, why didn't you

just listen to me when

I was explaining the rules?

You just looked

at me with that

blank stare of yours.

It was like talking

to a wax statue.

Okay, guys, are you ready?

So, "Only at

fleshofthestars.com will

customers be able to find

"exactly how long

into what movies their

favorite stars are exposed."

Nice.

Oh, f***ing brilliant.

Pretty good, right?

Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching.

We're in.

All right, guys,

let start logging, all right?

Charles Manson?

Do you have

any other thoughts?

Good, awesome,

let's start this off

with a bang.

Jamie Lee Curtis. I got

an hour and 10 minutes

into Trading Places.

Both chesticles.

I got Julianne

"Red Beard" Moore.

Short Cuts, two hours,

Julianne Moore special.

She loves it.

I've seen that,

and from the look of her bush,

Short Cuts is the wrong

name for that movie.

Nice.

Nice. Nice. Well done.

Her bush looks like

the hedge maze

from The Shining but red

and without

Scatman Crothers in it.

Red Bush.

Red Bush.

So if you want that

perfect tan like the stars,

he's the one to see.

We'll be right back

on E! News. Stay with us.

Okay.

Okay, is Jessica Simpson

here yet?

Let me check. Let me see.

Is she on her way?

She's left her house?

Hey, guys?

Okay, let me know

when she's pulling in.

She's about to pull in.

Is she camera-ready?

Is she camera-ready?

If she's gonna be in hair

and makeup for three hours,

I can't do it.

I'm not gonna be here.

I got to do American Idol.

It's live. I got to do it.

I got to be there.

What are we gonna

interview her about?

Nothing personal.

No personal questions.

No personal questions.

Don't ask her about her sister

and her nose job.

No plastic surgery questions.

No plastic...

No personal questions.

She doesn't want to talk about

her b*obs or her father's

comments about her b*obs.

Great. We'll talk about

the Middle East and maybe

an idea of an exit strategy.

Maybe she has a good pitch.

Should I ask her about Korea?

Maybe have her point it

out to us on a globe?

I don't understand

the young talent in this town!

It doesn't make any sense.

I got four jobs.

Hell, I'm more famous

than half the people

we talk to, anyway!

No one stands up.

No one has the balls

to sit them down

and say,

"Look, just cut the sh*t."

But everybody works for them.

They're all on the payroll.

They're all sucking the teat!

Nobody sits them down,

eye-to-eye, one-on-one,

and says, "Cut the sh*t."

And all these stars

just f*** it up.

That's what they do.

They f*** my day up!

And it pisses me off.

And now I'm sweating.

Okay, you want to...

You know what?

You want us to just come

and get you

when she gets here?

You want to head to

the green room for a minute?

Just chill out? Okay.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Want us to bring you anything?

You want some water?

You want a cookie?

Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.

Okay, we'll get you a cookie.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.

What do we got?

Chocolate chip?

Allison?

Yeah.

Jack and I need

to see you in his office.

Okay.

Thanks for coming in, Allison.

Well, we wanted

to talk to you today

because we had a little debate

on the conference call

with New York about you.

You... About me?

You were talking about me?

We were wondering

aloud to one another

whether or not you would

be good for on camera.

What'd you decide?

They... They decided

that they like you,

and they would like

to put you on camera.

Really?

I know.

I was so surprised, too.

Oh, my God.

This is the best news ever.

Thank you so much.

This is great!

Congratulations.

Thank you.

I'll take that smile

as a "Yes, I'll do it."

Absolutely. I'm so excited!

Oh, my God.

It's a lot of work. Can't wait

to see what happens.

It's gonna be tough.

Tough job.

About the work,

most immediately,

there's gonna be

some things that you're

gonna be able to get...

Okay.

...that other people

in the office don't get.

One of them, gym membership.

You want me to lose weight?

No, I don't

want you to lose weight.

No. We can't legally

ask you to do that.

We didn't say lose weight.

I might say tighten.

Tight.

A little tighter?

Just like toned and smaller.

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