Knocked Up Page #2
Don't make everything smaller.
I don't want to
generalize that way.
Tighter.
We don't want you
to lose weight. We just
want you to be healthy.
Okay.
You know, by eating less.
We would just like it
if you go home
and step on a scale
and write down
how much you weigh
and subtract it by, like, 20.
Twenty.
And then weigh that much.
Just remember,
you've got it here,
you've got it here
and everybody's gonna
see you right there.
Yay! That's so exciting!
Oh, my God!
Hey!
Huh?
I got a promotion.
Oh, congratulations!
Thank you.
Hey, maybe you can
get your own place now.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
Yay!
Let's go celebrate.
Okay. Let's do it.
Pete'll watch the kids?
Yeah!
We can watch
Taxicab Confessions.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know!
I'm so excited!
I walked in on him
masturbating one night.
Did he get the
deer-in-the-headlights look?
Did he freeze
or did he finish?
No, he tried to pretend
like he wasn't doing
anything under the covers.
Oh, no!
I buy these nice towels,
and he whacks off into them.
Deb and Pete, forever.
And...
And once he does that
into them once,
they're never soft ever again.
I can always tell if I'm
looking good based on
whether or not we get in.
Ladies?
Guess we're looking good.
If I didn't get in,
I would've lost my sh*t.
What's going on, man?
How long you gonna
make us wait out here,
for Christ's sake?
What the f***?
You know what movie I just
saw again the other day,
which is f***ing, like,
mind-blowing,
and I haven't seen it
since it came out is Munich.
Oh, Munich!
Oh, man, Munich f***ing rules.
Munich is awesome!
That movie was Eric Bana
kicking f***ing ass!
Dude, every movie with Jews,
we're the ones getting killed.
Munich flips it on its ear.
We're capping motherfuckers.
Not only killing but f***ing,
like, taking names.
If any of us get laid tonight,
it's because
of Eric Bana in Munich.
I agree with that.
I agree.
You know what is not
helping us get laid
is the shoe bomber,
Richard Reid,
over here at our table.
I don't like your shoes.
How is Burning Man this year?
F*** you guys.
I'm glad I'm not Jewish.
So are we.
Yeah, so are we.
Yeah. Fine, screw it.
You weren't chosen
for a reason.
Yeah.
It's like everyone
in here is 12 years old.
Am I too old to be here?
What?
Am I too old to be here?
No, of course not.
Does it look weird
that I'm here?
No, not at all.
Am I hotter than
these little b*tches?
Yes! You look amazing.
Guys in here would
f*** me, right?
Yes.
That's weird to say,
but it makes me feel better.
You look hot.
Okay. I believe you.
Okay. I'm getting us drinks.
Okay.
Yo, a beer over here, please?
You're gonna be embarrassed
when you realize
I'm Wilmer Valderrama.
God.
Hey, hey! Excuse me!
He's literally ignoring
this entire half of the bar.
Don't even bother.
Yeah, awesome.
A beer over here, please?
He looked at us!
Did you see that?
Yeah, that was rough.
Oh, my God. And if
you can't get service,
what am I gonna do, you know?
Great. It's gonna be
that night.
Okay, you want a beer?
Yeah, just...
Well, I'm... Watch this.
Okay? Just observe.
There you go.
Come on, man.
Here you go. For your trouble.
Thank you. There you go.
Thank you.
Okay, enjoy it.
Are you sure?
I am sure.
I tried that once before
at the Comedy Store,
and I got punched in the ear.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, f***, f***!
I'm supposed
to get one for my sister.
Oh, here, take mine.
No, that's okay. I'll wait.
Please, I very rarely
look cool. This is a big
moment for me. Just take it.
Thank you. Awesome.
No problem.
I'm Allison.
I'm Ben.
Well, have a great night.
Yeah, you, too.
Thanks for the beer.
Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.
Bye. Thanks again.
I'll see you.
No, I'll see you later.
No, I won't
'cause I'm a p*ssy.
What's up, Ben?
That girl. She totally
gave me an opening, man,
and I locked up.
I just want to get
sh*t-faced tonight,
though, you know.
I'll just jerk it later.
It's cool.
Are you f***ing crazy, man?
She looks smart.
Who's that she's sitting with?
It's her sister.
Her sister?
Yeah.
Dude, it's the dream.
What are we doing
standing here, man?
Let's go. Come on, follow me.
You stay here. Stay here.
Why?
Because your face
looks like a vagina.
Dick!
Hey, which one's
the sister?
Hey, Crockett,
you still partying
with Tubbs these days?
Come on, man. I'm getting
it from all angles here.
I don't like it anymore.
I know. I don't, either.
Was it weird when you changed
your name from Cat Stevens
to Yusuf Islam?
Yeah, it was really awkward.
All right, man.
I got to take off.
See you, Scorsese-on-coke.
What's that?
Chewbacca.
You know, it's Chewie.
Oh, another beard joke.
F***.
F***ing hilarious!
Hey.
Hey.
Hi, this is my friend, Jason.
I just wanted to see
how my beers were doing.
This is my sister, Debbie.
Oh, hi, I'm Ben.
Hi. Ben?
Yes.
Nice to meet you.
How you doing?
Good, how are you?
Just trying not to stare.
She's married.
Why do you have to say that?
What?
It's a shame.
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
She has two kids, too.
Shut up!
What? It's nothing
to be ashamed of.
You think that's gonna
stop him from hitting on her?
It's not at all.
I love kids.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely.
Excuse me.
Hello?
Cool phone.
Yeah, she's got
a really cool phone.
What? Is it a rash,
or is it the chicken pox?
I don't know! Google it.
Okay. All right, bye.
I got to go. Sadie might
have the chicken pox.
I had the chicken pox
three times.
I have no immunity to it.
We don't have the heart
to tell him it's herpes.
It's not herpes
if it's everywhere.
Are you coming?
You know, I'm all dressed,
so I'll just hang out.
Really?
Yeah, I'll take a cab home.
Okay. Be safe.
I will. Yeah.
Bye, lovely.
Bye.
All right, I'm gonna let you
two get to know each other.
Cheers.
Cheers.
To you.
No, no. You know, the, like,
Entertainment News channel?
E!
E!
Dude, I think he's doing
the dice thing too much.
That's really all he's got.
I love your curly hair!
It's so great.
Do you, like,
use a product or anything?
No, that's...
I use Jew, it's called.
You wanna get out of here?
Yeah, let's go.
You wanna come back
and hang out at my place?
Yes.
Yeah. Wicked.
I'll show you
my audition tape.
It's really funny.
Okay, I'm really
excited to watch that.
Let's go.
We could get a cab up,
this way. For sure.
This is a big yard.
Let's go swimming right now.
Let's just do that.
I know. It feels so right.
That's right.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
You're prettier than I am.
A lot.
Do you have a condom?
I do.
Okay.
In my pants. I have a condom.
Okay. Okay.
I'll get it.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Stupid f***er.
What are you doing?
I almost got it.
Just give me a second.
Oh, God, just do it already!
Okay.
Oh, great. Okay.
God.
Oh, that's great!
Good thing I'm drunk.
This is lasting forever.
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"Knocked Up" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/knocked_up_11948>.
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