Knocked Up Page #2

Don't make everything smaller.

I don't want to

generalize that way.

Tighter.

We don't want you

to lose weight. We just

want you to be healthy.

Okay.

You know, by eating less.

We would just like it

if you go home

and step on a scale

and write down

how much you weigh

and subtract it by, like, 20.

Twenty.

And then weigh that much.

Just remember,

you've got it here,

you've got it here

and everybody's gonna

see you right there.

Yay! That's so exciting!

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Huh?

I got a promotion.

Oh, congratulations!

Thank you.

Hey, maybe you can

get your own place now.

Let's not get ahead

of ourselves.

Yay!

Let's go celebrate.

Okay. Let's do it.

Pete'll watch the kids?

Yeah!

We can watch

Taxicab Confessions.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know!

I'm so excited!

I walked in on him

masturbating one night.

Did he get the

deer-in-the-headlights look?

Did he freeze

or did he finish?

No, he tried to pretend

like he wasn't doing

anything under the covers.

Oh, no!

I buy these nice towels,

and he whacks off into them.

Deb and Pete, forever.

And...

And once he does that

into them once,

they're never soft ever again.

I can always tell if I'm

looking good based on

whether or not we get in.

Ladies?

Guess we're looking good.

If I didn't get in,

I would've lost my sh*t.

What's going on, man?

How long you gonna

make us wait out here,

for Christ's sake?

What the f***?

You know what movie I just

saw again the other day,

which is f***ing, like,

mind-blowing,

and I haven't seen it

since it came out is Munich.

Oh, Munich!

Oh, man, Munich f***ing rules.

Munich is awesome!

That movie was Eric Bana

kicking f***ing ass!

Dude, every movie with Jews,

we're the ones getting killed.

Munich flips it on its ear.

We're capping motherfuckers.

Not only killing but f***ing,

like, taking names.

If any of us get laid tonight,

it's because

of Eric Bana in Munich.

I agree with that.

I agree.

You know what is not

helping us get laid

is the shoe bomber,

Richard Reid,

over here at our table.

I don't like your shoes.

How is Burning Man this year?

F*** you guys.

I'm glad I'm not Jewish.

So are we.

Yeah, so are we.

Yeah. Fine, screw it.

You weren't chosen

for a reason.

Yeah.

It's like everyone

in here is 12 years old.

Am I too old to be here?

What?

Am I too old to be here?

No, of course not.

Does it look weird

that I'm here?

No, not at all.

Am I hotter than

these little b*tches?

Yes! You look amazing.

Guys in here would

f*** me, right?

Yes.

That's weird to say,

but it makes me feel better.

You look hot.

Okay. I believe you.

Okay. I'm getting us drinks.

Okay.

Yo, a beer over here, please?

You're gonna be embarrassed

when you realize

I'm Wilmer Valderrama.

God.

Hey, hey! Excuse me!

He's literally ignoring

this entire half of the bar.

Don't even bother.

Yeah, awesome.

A beer over here, please?

He looked at us!

Did you see that?

Yeah, that was rough.

Oh, my God. And if

you can't get service,

what am I gonna do, you know?

Great. It's gonna be

that night.

Okay, you want a beer?

Yeah, just...

Well, I'm... Watch this.

Okay? Just observe.

There you go.

Come on, man.

Here you go. For your trouble.

Thank you. There you go.

Thank you.

Okay, enjoy it.

Are you sure?

I am sure.

I tried that once before

at the Comedy Store,

and I got punched in the ear.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, f***, f***!

I'm supposed

to get one for my sister.

Oh, here, take mine.

No, that's okay. I'll wait.

Please, I very rarely

look cool. This is a big

moment for me. Just take it.

Thank you. Awesome.

No problem.

I'm Allison.

I'm Ben.

Well, have a great night.

Yeah, you, too.

Thanks for the beer.

Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.

Bye. Thanks again.

I'll see you.

No, I'll see you later.

No, I won't

'cause I'm a p*ssy.

What's up, Ben?

That girl. She totally

gave me an opening, man,

and I locked up.

I just want to get

sh*t-faced tonight,

though, you know.

I'll just jerk it later.

It's cool.

Are you f***ing crazy, man?

She looks smart.

Who's that she's sitting with?

It's her sister.

Her sister?

Yeah.

Dude, it's the dream.

What are we doing

standing here, man?

Let's go. Come on, follow me.

You stay here. Stay here.

Why?

Because your face

looks like a vagina.

Dick!

Hey, which one's

the sister?

Hey, Crockett,

you still partying

with Tubbs these days?

Come on, man. I'm getting

it from all angles here.

I don't like it anymore.

I know. I don't, either.

Was it weird when you changed

your name from Cat Stevens

to Yusuf Islam?

Yeah, it was really awkward.

All right, man.

I got to take off.

See you, Scorsese-on-coke.

What's that?

Chewbacca.

You know, it's Chewie.

Oh, another beard joke.

F***.

F***ing hilarious!

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, this is my friend, Jason.

I just wanted to see

how my beers were doing.

This is my sister, Debbie.

Oh, hi, I'm Ben.

Hi. Ben?

Yes.

Nice to meet you.

How you doing?

Good, how are you?

Just trying not to stare.

She's married.

Why do you have to say that?

What?

It's a shame.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

She has two kids, too.

Shut up!

What? It's nothing

to be ashamed of.

You think that's gonna

stop him from hitting on her?

It's not at all.

I love kids.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Cool phone.

Yeah, she's got

a really cool phone.

What? Is it a rash,

or is it the chicken pox?

I don't know! Google it.

Okay. All right, bye.

I got to go. Sadie might

have the chicken pox.

I had the chicken pox

three times.

I have no immunity to it.

We don't have the heart

to tell him it's herpes.

It's not herpes

if it's everywhere.

Are you coming?

You know, I'm all dressed,

so I'll just hang out.

Really?

Yeah, I'll take a cab home.

Okay. Be safe.

I will. Yeah.

Bye, lovely.

Bye.

All right, I'm gonna let you

two get to know each other.

Cheers.

Cheers.

To you.

No, no. You know, the, like,

Entertainment News channel?

E!

E!

Dude, I think he's doing

the dice thing too much.

That's really all he's got.

I love your curly hair!

It's so great.

Do you, like,

use a product or anything?

No, that's...

I use Jew, it's called.

You wanna get out of here?

Yeah, let's go.

You wanna come back

and hang out at my place?

Yes.

Yeah. Wicked.

I'll show you

my audition tape.

It's really funny.

Okay, I'm really

excited to watch that.

Let's go.

We could get a cab up,

this way. For sure.

This is a big yard.

Let's go swimming right now.

Let's just do that.

I know. It feels so right.

That's right.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

You're prettier than I am.

A lot.

Do you have a condom?

I do.

Okay.

In my pants. I have a condom.

Okay. Okay.

I'll get it.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Stupid f***er.

What are you doing?

I almost got it.

Just give me a second.

Oh, God, just do it already!

Okay.

Oh, great. Okay.

God.

Oh, that's great!

Good thing I'm drunk.

This is lasting forever.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes