Knots

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Thank God.

So, you know,

there's all this...

excitement, you know.

lt's a new beginning, you know.

l mean, there's this place

where the two of you...

are blissfully going to spend

the rest of your lives.

And then you pay

the movers way too much.

You know, and you look around,

suddenly you realize...

that this place is not as big

or as bright or as clean...

as you thought.

And it's not a new beginning.

lt's just the same sh*t

in a different location.

Actually it's worse...

because now you

got to clean it all up...

and make this blank,

cluttered place into a home.

Do you know what l mean?

l'm sorry.

Did you say something?

l was zoning out

there a little bit.

F*** you.

Expecting someone?

Jake's coming by.

ls he still pissed?

About Andrea?

l don't know.

Hey.

Hey. Jake, you remember Cal.

Yeah.

Last time l saw him,

he f***ed my date.

He's still pissed.

lt was only three

f***ing weeks ago.

And l was crazy about her.

l thought she could

have been the one.

Oh, you poor dumb bastard.

Excuse me?

She f***ed me on your date.

She could have been the one?

Hello.

Plus she used too much teeth

when she was giving head...

wouldn't dream of letting me

come on her face.

So unless our standards

are drastically different

from one another, l'd say

l did you a favor, pal.

What?

l'll buy you a drink.

Yeah. That'll make us even.

Barkeep.

Grab me a whisky,

will you, and...

All right.

l'm taking off.

l'll call you.

You got a hot date

with Andrea?

Be good, Jake.

Seriously, he has a hot date

with Andrea, doesn't he?

No.

F***ing funny.

F***ing funny.

Doesn't he have a girlfriend?

For, like, five years now.

And he gets more ass

than a toilet seat.

l got to take a piss.

Oh, Jesus.

-l got this.

-Thanks.

Jesus.

You don't get a lot

of p*ssy, do you?

What?

l mean...no.

No. l'm married.

What's one got to do

with the other?

l take it you're not.

l don't feel the need

to adhere to the conventions...

of modern society.

l don't know what that means.

lt means l like

to keep my options open.

Hey, who doesn't?

Who's your friend?

This is Jake.

He's single.

He says that like

it's a condition.

Oh, this is, uh...

Lily.

Hi.

Dave.

Dave.

Lily, do you want

to have dinner with me?

l don't think so.

Why not?

l just met you.

But l could be a chaperon.

l guarantee a good time.

What about your wife?

l'll take her with us.

We'll make a whole

big night out of it.

Call me.

And it was very nice

to meet you, Jake, Dave.

Lily.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. That was

the easiest date l ever got.

This is going to be great.

There we go.

l don't get no p*ssy?

What are you talking about?

l get p*ssy.

l get lots of p*ssy.

How are you doing?

You finished up in the bedroom?

Not yet.

You've been in there

for, like, two hours.

Well, there's just

too much stuff.

l can't handle it right now.

You know, the dining room table

is coming in on Tuesday.

We decided we were going

to be unpacked by then.

No, you decided.

Have you noticed that the

molding is coming off here?

Was it like that

when we bought the place?

Yes.

Are you sure, or are you

just saying that?

l'm thinking of taking

a class at The New School.

l thought you signed up

for that pottery class...

and the salsa lessons.

l don't know.

l just...

l just need to do something.

Why don't you clear your deck

for Thursday night?

Why? What are we doing?

Well, l promised Jake

that we would, you know...

go out with him and a date.

Who is she?

Just some girl.

Here l am, in court

as lead defense counsel...

for the first time and l'm

going down in flames...

because l can't settle

this stupid case...

that shouldn't have

even made it to court...

but the judge at

the preliminary hearing...

was a jackass.

Our legal system at work, right?

This guy gets his bumper

tapped by a garbage truck...

and he's suing the company

for 1 2 million dollars.

l hate stuff like that.

So, they get him

up on the stand...

and he's telling

the jury up and down...

all this pain and suffering

he's had to endure...

and l notice that

despite this enormous...

uncomfortable collar

he's got on his neck...

he's checking me out.

He's checking you out?

Can you blame him?

She's a beautiful woman.

You are a very beautiful woman.

And you're sweet.

Anyway, that's when l decided,

l'm gonna get the f***er.

So what did you do?

So, l asked for recess...

l made a couple

of adjustments...

we go back,

the guy takes the stand...

two seconds into

his lawyer's redirect...

damn if the guy didn't

jerk his head my way...

and that's when l stood up

and l shouted...

''Your Honor,

this man's neck is fine!''

How'd you make him look?

Well, see, during the recess...

l took the liberty

of removing my panties...

and when he got

back up on the stand...

it was just a matter of

spreading my thighs just so.

So you pulled a Sharon Stone.

From the movie,

''Basic lnstinct,'' with the...

l never saw that.

Anyway, the case

got thrown out of court...

right then and there.

You're a very good lawyer.

Hey, l'm all about justice.

So...how did

the two of you meet?

This is a funny story.

What happened was that--

-Actually--

-Dave introduced us.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

We were at Mod...

and Jake went

into the bathroom...

and then he came out

of the bathroom...

and l hooked them up.

By the way,

l love your blouse.

Thank you.

Barney's Warehouse.

That color really

brings out your eyes.

Thank you very much.

lt's great.

Thank you.

So how long have

you been married?

Two years.

Any kids?

Not yet, but l'd like to.

l want children.

What about Dave?

Well, he worries.

About what?

Everything.

That's not true.

He's afraid our child

will have a fecal fetish.

What? l didn't say that.

-Yes, you did.

-No, l didn't.

l didn't say fecal fetish.

l said weird, stupid, like...

Well, having kids

is a big step...

and maybe Dave just

wants to have his fun.

l like having fun.

l like having fun, too.

Maybe we should

go out together...

you and l, sometime?

Girls night out?

You and me?

Yeah. Sure.

That would be terrific.

That's a great idea.

Yeah, great.

l don't understand why

you had to say that stuff.

l don't know why you're making

such a big deal about it.

Because l don't know

why everybody needs to know...

our personal business,

that's why.

We were all sharing.

All sharing? That's what

you call that, sharing?

The two of you seemed

to hit it off just fine.

You didn't tell me you

introduced the two of them.

lt was just one of those things.

She's very attractive.

Yeah. l mean...

l guess so.

What, you don't think

she's a beautiful woman?

Yeah, of course.

Not like you,

if that's what you mean.

l wasn't asking

for validation, Dave.

Why do guys always think...

they have to protect

a woman's ego?

What do you want me to say,

that l want to do her?

Well, do you?

No. No, of course not.

How could you say that?

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