Knots Page #2

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l just want you

to know that it's OK...

if you think she's attractive.

She's gorgeous.

Then what's she doing with Jake?

Nice...couch.

Thank you.

Oh, l'm sorry. Please.

Thanks.

Well, that was fun tonight.

Yeah, definitely.

Good.

Dave and Greta, they're great.

Yeah. She's a doll.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Cheers.

Jake, l think

you're a terrific guy...

and l like you.

l really do.

l like you, too.

But not in a sexual way.

Listen, l think you're smart

and you're funny...

and you're not

a bad-looking guy...

but you just don't

have your f*** on.

My what?

Do you just want to f***?

Because we can, if you want.

We can just go

in a bedroom...

and take our clothes off,

and hell, you know what?

We might not even

make it that far.

You can just bend me over

the couch right here...

and hike up my skirt

and rip off my panties...

grab me by the hair,

and f*** me like an animal...

and you will really

enjoy yourself.

But l won't.

ls that what you want?

No.

Cool. Want to watch the game?

ls that good?

You'll smash my head.

Could you move a little bit,

a little bit to the right?

-How's that?

-Better.

Slower. Slow.

ls that good?

Now a little to the left.

Just...

How's this?

That's good.

Hair.

Move your arm.

What?

Here. ls this better?

What's wrong with you?

Well, you seem to

just want to lie here...

and orchestrate

my entire performance.

l mean, l'd like to have...

a little creative

freedom, you know?

l'm sorry. l just...

What?

l guess l'm just tired.

Do you want to stop?

No, no. l want to.

But here.

ls that OK?

lt's good.

When you do it with Emily,

is it good?

What? Yeah,

it's great. Why?

Well, lately...

when Greta and l do it...

it's kind of dull.

Well, how often

are you doing it?

l don't know.

A little less than

average, l guess.

l think your idea of average

is different than mine.

Well, maybe once a month.

Once a month? Are you

f***ing kidding me?

lt's a little slow

right now. Big deal.

This is a big deal.

This is a huge f***ing deal.

lt's a down cycle or something.

Once a month is reserved

for unpleasant things...

like her period or rent.

Banging your wife should not

go into that category.

We've been together

a while, you know.

lt's hard to keep things fresh.

Why do you think

l f*** around so much?

What are you talking about?

lnfidelity is the truth serum

to any relationship.

Whenever l f*** another girl,

it's not as good as Emily.

l can cross one name

off the list...

and know Emily

really is the one.

So what you're saying is that

cheating on your girlfriend...

makes your relationship

stronger?

Exactly.

Plus, the best sex

l ever have with Emily...

is right after

l f*** someone else.

Unbelievable.

Let me tell you about it.

l can't do what you do.

We're different.

How?

For starters, l'm human.

That doesn't mean

you have to be miserable.

l'm not miserable, l'm married.

There's a difference.

Greta, l thought

you were going to un--

Dave! l...

l thought...

l thought you were

working late tonight.

l got most of it done.

Wait.

Hey, Dave.

What?

Dave, l'm sorry.

Well, l don't think that's

really going to cover it.

Look, l told you l didn't

want to go on that double date.

lf l knew it was going to

turn you into a lesbian...

l wouldn't have made you go.

We went for drinks, and...

And what?

You started having sex?

l mean, where the f***

did you go, Plato's Retreat?

-Dave...

-What?!

l'm having an identity crisis.

Wait. What does that mean?

What does that mean?

Are you OK?

l just threw up.

You threw up?

Cal, give the guy a break.

He just found his wife

in bed with another woman.

What were they doing?

Were they, you know,

actually f***ing?

l don't know.

They were in bed...naked.

Jesus.

Tell me about it.

l don't believe it.

lt's not like

it's the first time...

someone f***ed my date.

Get over it.

l'm just saying

l don't like...

the pattern that's

developing here--

everyone f***ing

my dates but me.

Also, l think l'm a little

to blame for this.

Why?

Because if l'd had sex

with Lily...

maybe she wouldn't

have been so eager...

to have sex with Greta.

l think that would

make her more eager.

What is it, do you just

enjoy being an a**hole?

Do you just enjoy

being a prick?

l'm not a prick.

And you know what?

Did l tell you

you could smoke in my house?

What, l can't smoke

in here now?

No, you cannot

smoke in my house--

All right,

l'm putting it out.

There is a situation here.

l'm sorry. Sorry.

So, what are you going to do?

l don't know.

Well, have you thought about...

incorporating this

into your love life?

What?

You know, talk about

jazzing things up a little bit.

Yes?

This is not a porn movie.

This is my life.

Yeah, but at this

moment, excuse me...

your life sounds

like a porn movie.

Look at it as a bright side.

A bright side?

Yeah. You guys have to think

outside the box...

so to speak.

Jesus.

Look, it's just a phase.

l mean, she's been acting

a little weird lately...

and this is just part of it.

lt's a phase.

Absolutely. A phase.

Yeah. l mean, come on.

She's not a...come on.

A lesbian?

lf you want, you can stay here.

You can have my spare bedroom.

Stay as long as you want.

Yeah?

That sounds great.

So we smoke a J, right?

Next thing l know...

l'm doing these hot set

of nudes with her...

tasteful stuff, you know.

Well, mostly tasteful stuff.

Anyway, agent calls me...

all pissed off,

like, you know...

''What are you doing, dude?

She's only 18.''

l'm, like, ''Guy, l'm an artist,

you know. Back off.''

What are you doing?

What's the matter with you?

l'm not up for this.

You know what

you need to do?

You need to go out...

and you need to date

a little bit.

l don't want to date.

That's why l got married

in the first place.

Listen to me.

This is an unbelievable rap.

What are you talking about?

You're a dude who's been

brokenhearted by his wife...

who's become a lesbian.

She's not a lesbian.

l know she's not a lesbian...

but they don't

need to know that.

Appeal to the Florence

Henderson in them.

Let them nurse you

back to health.

Florence Nightingale.

What did l say?

Forget it.

Look, there are

plenty of hot chicks...

in this town, all right?

Here. Perfect example.

Look at that girl right there.

Ask her out. Hello!

This is my friend Dave.

A**hole.

F*** her. l'm having

a party tonight.

There's going to be

plenty of tail there.

Just make sure you're there.

Heads up.

Sorry.

Sorry. l'm sorry.

Jesus Christ! l think

you broke my nose!

-l thought you were looking.

-l was looking at the girl!

You'll be all right.

Just be at my house

at 10:
00 tonight.

Whatever.

Might want to get

some ice on that.

Yeah. Thanks.

l thought you were looking.

F***ing retard.

Glad you could make it.

Hi, Cal.

Miss Samantha.

Good. Good.

Sorry about that.

You all right?

Yeah, l'm fine.

Whoa, man, whoa.

That's my ass. That's my ass.

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