Krampus

I come tonight to warn you

that you will be visited

by three spirits.

What?

Was that the chance and hope

that you mentioned, Jacob?

it was.

You have yet

the chance and hope

of escaping my fate.

A chance and hope of

my procuring, ebenezer.

Thank you, Jacob.

expect the first

when the bell tolls 1:00.

Shut up, Beth!

I don't care

who started it, Max.

Ben kuklinski started it

and everybody knows it.

We even have the whole

thing on video.

You're gonna write an apology

to the rest of your class

for ruining the recital.

What were you thinking, Max?

That kid was twice your size.

Yeah, but Ben kuklinski is

always ragging on Christmas.

He even told the first graders

that Santa was just a cheap

marketing ploy

invented to sell Pepsi.

Coke.

You know what I mean.

But not why you care.

Well, someone's got to.

Here, let me see.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ah, it's not so bad.

Just keep icing it.

And was drop-kicking him into

the manger really the best way

to handle this?

Okay, that was not my fault.

I was under the influence.

All I had to eat

was Christmas fudge

and candy canes.

Well, I hate to sound harsh,

but every kid has to learn

the truth someday.

Oh, I know. I just--

i didn't want it ruined.

For the little kids.

But is this a war on Christmas,

a war on over-political

correctness or--

looks great, mom.

Don't work too hard, though.

Sarah bought a bunch

of cookies at the store.

It's Roger.

Thought you said you weren't

working over Christmas.

I said no traveling over

Christmas. I still have

to take a few calls.

Hey, Roger, what's up?

Wait. Guys, aren't we still

gonna watch Charlie brown

and wrap Christmas presents

like always?

You know what?

After what you pulled,

you can do that alone.

And quick. Your cousins

get here any minute.

Yeah, Roger?

Ah, it's a Christmas

cluster-eff over here.

Beth, help me hang this.

Wait. Mom, aren't we

gonna watch Charlie brown?

I started, but...

I don't know what

to ask for this year.

Because they

are family, Beth.

And it's only

for a few days.

Well, I'm not sharing my room

with girls who pee standing up.

Last year I found sh*t

in my bed, mom.

Human sh*t.

For the last time,

that was their dog!

"They're why some people

shouldn't be allowed to breed!"

Your words, mom, not mine!

I never said that!

I said maybe they

should have to take a test

before they're allowed to breed.

Thanks, omi.

Omi?

Hmm?

Do you still really

believe in Santa?

What do you mean?

Yeah, my cousins are crawling

out of the shallow end

of the gene pool,

so everyone's a little on edge.

Your mom

popping Xanax again?

Like candy.

Tonight we're making a Japanese

snowflake tree or some crap.

Takes a lot of work to make

our family look more awesome

than it actually is, you know?

I like snowflakes,

but I like my plan

a lot better.

Very enticing.

But I think

I'm stuck here.

Come on.

People have escaped

from Alcatraz before,

and I'm only four blocks away.

What? What's wrong?

Everything.

Crap.

Will you two knock it off?

Howie, stop

ringing the doorbell!

Well, carry something!

Howie, cut it out!

Help me with the bags.

It's Christmas.

It's Christmas. It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Hey, sis. Merry Christmas.

Oh, gosh. I'm so glad

you guys could make it.

Oh, you have no idea.

Accidents all over the freeways

and nothing but crazy talk radio

for six hours.

We brought you a little taste

of home, though, didn't we?

Oh, wow.

Thank you. It looks-- wow.

You're welcome.

Linda,

move it, move it.

We don't have to keep

the traffic jam going.

Howard, let me help you

with that.

That's, uh--

- thanks, Tommy.

- Sorry about that.

What, you give the Butler

the night off, did you?

- Tom, don't worry about it.

- Yeah, we brought Rosie.

- You don't have a cat, do you?

- It's fine. It's fine, right?

It's fine.

Merry Christmas, girls.

Come on in.

Don't you look cute

in your matching jackets.

They're just a little cranky

'cause the steelers lost,

so--

Jordan, Stevie, why don't you

tell your aunt Sarah about your

presidential fitness award, huh?

It's a good story.

Hey, Howie.

So, what did you

ask Santa for this year?

Really nice.

They did look pretty good.

- It looks bigger in here.

- Um, toy car?

Look what Max has got

in his pocket.

A letter to Santa.

Video games?

Phone?

Dialysis?

- That's a long f***ing drive.

- Thank you, guys.

Where do you want

this stuff, tom? Just anywhere?

Yeah.

Christ on a stick.

Would it kill you

to shovel your walk?

I could have broken

a hip out there.

Surprise!

Please don't be mad.

Oh, aunt Dorothy.

It's so great to see you.

Yeah, well, your sister's

no mother Teresa,

but at least she swings by

every once in a while

to make sure

that I'm not dead.

So, where's the nog?

I need to get merry.

Uh, it's in the kitchen.

Help yourself.

- Oh, tom, let me take that.

- I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

- Lord almighty.

Looks like Martha Stewart

threw up in here.

We left the door open.

Sorry about that.

No, no.

We're such a mess, honestly.

Six hours, I mean, come on.

Uh, sorry.

Wasn't there another...

Hmm?

Child?

Chrissy! Darn it!

Jordan, I told you

to bring her inside.

- Not my kid.

- Come on, girls.

Tommy, help me get the baby

and the rest of the girl crap

out of the truck.

- Do you mind? Thank you.

- Let's make some memories, huh?

Whoo!

Thank you, honey.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

A holiday roast is a surprise.

Hemorrhoids are a surprise.

She is a goddamn nightmare.

What were you thinking?

Come on,

she's not that bad.

Oh.

She's not! Besides,

she tricked me, okay?

I thought we were just dropping

off gifts, and she came

to the door with a suitcase.

What was I supposed to do,

tell her she has to spend

Christmas by herself?

No, but at least you

could have warned me

when one of your mistakes

is gonna become my problem.

You think everything I do

is a mistake.

Well--

sorry. Look out. Look out.

Hey, honey.

Oh. Oh!

I think this

warhead's armed.

You're so stinky.

Okay, I'm gonna go change her.

Let's go this way.

Just set that up

wherever you want, t.

Uhh! The whole truck

smells like sh*t. Uhh!

So, what's for dinner?

That's my boy!

That's my boy!

It sure is.

I'm getting Howie junior

into game shape.

By the time he gets to

high school, he's gonna be the

biggest lineman in the state.

Did you ever spend any time

on the field, Tommy?

No, actually, I didn't

have time in my younger years.

I was in training mostly.

What were you training for?

Uh, army? Marines?

It was the eagle scouts.

Eagle scouts.

Now, eagle scouts, kids,

that's where you weave baskets

and help little old ladies

across the street.

Am I right?

No, no.

No, no, no. It was

actually quite a bit of,

uh, survival training.

So--

well, the only survival training

i need is my old smoke pole

and a big, fat box of buckshot

that I keep out in that truck.

A Shepherd has got to

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