Krampus Page #2

protect his flock.

Honey, we said no gun talk

at the dinner table.

This family needs

a little gun talk,

whether it's

at the dinner table

or anywhere else.

Wow. Looks like Chrissy's

really enjoying my gravlax.

Careful, kids.

Remember that your aunt Sarah

likes everything to be clean

and perfect,

and that's why she makes so much

food that you can't pronounce.

Well, I just thought you guys

might like a break from macaroni

and cheese with hot dogs.

- Yeah, okay.

- Well, you were wrong.

And who doesn't make

a ham at Christmas?

What are you now, a Jew?

Maybe it's time

for dessert, hmm?

It's delicious, honey.

It's a little dry.

Okay. Well,

mine's delicious.

Well, I guess I should

have gotten your bird.

- Just say something nice.

- I'll say it when she gets

back if dessert's good.

Well, if you could

just do me a favor.

Tell him about Santa.

Just say something

nice about dessert.

Hey.

Maxi-pad. Hear what

happened to Santa?

No, Stevie.

What happened to Santa?

Heard it on the news.

His sleigh crashed

in the rockies.

Shattered both his legs.

Frostbite took care of his pain

but not his hunger.

So, to survive,

he had to slaughter

and eat his reindeer.

Including Rudolph.

"Ate" tiny reindeer. Get it?

Knock it off!

Don't start anything.

- Hey, guys, take it easy.

They're just playing,

Tommy.

Macaroni and cheese

and hot dogs. Oh, Jesus.

So what kind of

godforsaken concoction

are you whipping up now?

You know how

this fancy food

clogs my pipes.

Well, how about

we go to your trailer

for Christmas next year, hmm?

And after you spent weeks

decorating and cooking

and cleaning,

I might just waddle in

and start bitching and moaning

about everything

you've worked so hard on.

- Oh, Sarah, you know--

- no, aunt Dorothy, please.

For your sake, just... stay

the hell out of my kitchen.

You know,

reindeer are actually

a sustainable food source

in the northern territories,

in Alaska, Canada.

This time of year,

we refer to reindeer

as a transportation system

for Santa claus.

We know you still believe

in the big, fat creeper.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

You sure about that?

Max, stop.

"Dear Santa,

I know I haven't

been great this year,

and I'm sorry for that,

but I was really hoping you

could help out me and my family

this Christmas.

We need you."

- Oh, maxi-pad,

that's so sweet.

- Give it back!

Stop, Max.

Blah, blah, blah,

bullshit, bullshit.

- Ah, here we go--

maxi's wish list.

- Stevie, stop. That's enough.

Wait, you're up first, Beth.

"I wish me and Beth could

hang out like we used to.

You might have noticed that

i don't have tons of friends."

Oh, no, really, Max?

"I wish my mom and dad

could fall in love again.

I know they get upset a lot,

with dad away from home so much.

I think they really

just miss each other."

"Also, I wish things weren't

so hard for uncle Howard

and aunt Linda.

So maybe you

can lend them a hand

the rest of the year too.

And--

and that--"

screw you.

Dad does not wish

we were boys.

Okay, who wants

crme brle?

Give me the letter!

Give it back!

Hey, Max. Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Girls!

Hey! Hey!

Come on, Howard.

Stevie, Jordan.

Come on.

All right, all right,

that's enough.

- Are you okay? Honey?

- Enough. Enough.

I just wanted Christmas

to be like it used to be,

but forget it.

I hate Christmas!

I hate all of you!

Max. Max!

Oh, lay off of him.

Kid deserves a prize

just for telling the truth.

- Can I come in?

- - No.

You know, they're leaving

right after Christmas,

so we only have to survive

another... three days.

I don't get it.

Every year it gets worse.

Why do we have to

put up with their crap

just because we share DNA?

Because that's what

a family is, Max.

People you try

to be friends with

even though you don't have

a whole lot in common.

But why?

Because.

Well--

okay, you kind of got me there.

Or maybe it makes us work

a little harder to find what

we do have in common, you know.

Put everything aside,

think of other people

for a change.

Friends, family,

even the a**holes

you normally can't stand.

Like uncle Howard?

Didn't wanna name names.

Dad, do you really

believe in all that?

I want to, Max.

But, hey,

bet there's still time to drop

that letter in the mailbox, huh?

Don't you find it

the least bit strange?

They can see

dust specks on Mars,

but no one noticed a giant

blizzard hurtling towards us.

Well, as soon

as the power's back,

you can write an angry e-mail

to the national weather service.

But in the meantime,

let's just try and stay calm.

Mom, there's something

weird outside.

I am calm.

I would just be calmer

if I knew how we were gonna

survive Christmas

with 12 people stuck in a house

with no hot water, no heat

and no electricity.

Or food.

Well, there's plenty

of leftovers, Howard.

- Beer it is.

- Phone's dead too.

- Mom!

- What, Max?

There's a snowman

in our yard.

See?

That's--

that's great, Max.

But who built it?

You can barely see

across the street, but it

doesn't look like it's just us.

I can walk over,

check with the turners.

The turners are in Hawaii.

The lamberts are in Florida,

and the cartwrights stopped

talking to us

after Max's noodle incident.

After his what?

Max, please go and get omi

out of the fireplace before

she burns the whole house down.

I'll get it!

Fine.

Seriously,

what are we gonna do?

Ooh!

Merry Christmas.

Sign here.

Yeah. Wow.

Honey, stuff to carry!

Some weather, huh?

Yeah.

It's a ghost town out there.

Roads are a nightmare.

Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, these too?

Uh, not mine.

Uh, must be from

the boys in brown.

All right.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, you too.

Ah, what is it?

Hey, look at this, huh?

What?

They got more stuff.

How come rich people

get all the free sh*t?

I don't know, honey.

Democrats, probably.

Oh, my god!

Who needs

this much cheese?

One singular moment.

You guys, I've texted Derek,

like, nine times and he still

hasn't written back.

That is not normal.

It's the blizzard, honey.

Nothing's working right now.

Can I walk over

and check on him?

It's only a few blocks.

I don't think

that's a good idea.

- I could see if anyone else

has power on the way.

- She'll be fine.

Okay. One hour.

When you get back, I want

you to spend some girl time

with Jordan and Stevie.

Got it?

You call that a reversal?

Come on, jordy,

plant your feet!

Plant your feet.

All right.

Right.

You know what I mean.

Thanks.

Be careful, okay?

Okay. Back later.

Love you. One hour.

Okay.

Max, I told you

to get omi out of the--

she says hot chocolate

makes everything better.

Oh, my god.

Please!

Somebody help me!

Please!

Daddy!

Help!

Get anything?

No.

It's the weirdest thing.

There's no cars, no people,

not even a salt truck.

Don't suppose you got me

a backup generator

for Christmas, did you?

Yeah, it's under the tree

next to your ties

and underwear.

Good.

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