Krystal

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1

[boy] There are really only two

things you need to know about me.

First, I am a son

of the low country,

a child of the south.

I'm polite, courteous,

chivalrous,

I open doors,

I respect my elders,

I "Yes, sir" and "No, ma'am"

all the livelong day.

That's a long-billed curlew,

just in case you're curious.

The second thing is,

I have a very weird heart.

And I don't mean that in a

metaphorical English major sense.

I mean physically.

I have a condition.

Paroxysmal Atrial Tachycardia,

P.A.T.

I have a racing heart which just

gallops up to 200 beats a minute

whenever it feels like it.

The doctors think my P.A.T.

might be caused by stress.

Which is something doctors

say when they're stumped.

So that's why I'm a walker of dawn

beaches and a watcher of birds,

to keep as far away

from this exhausted and silly

and heartbreaking world

as possible,

to stay calm, very calm,

and barely alive.

The first time I got it, the P.A.T.,

I mean, was in front of my house.

Remember when you were a little kid and

you ran for the sheer joy of running

and you never,

ever got tired?

[dog barking]

[car horn honks]

- [brakes squeal]

- [thudding]

[dog yelping]

That was my last morning

of forever running.

[wheezing]

[heart beating]

[heart beating faster]

Please don't die.

Please.

[heart beating more slowly]

I waited to die too,

and in waiting, I converted,

a quasi-medical term that means

my heartbeat returned to normal.

My second episode

happened a year later.

[man] Essentially, what all

great religions teach us

is transformation

of one's self.

To lie down

on summer grass...

[boy] That's my father giving one of

his famous home Saturday seminars

in Comparative Religions.

He's a professor at Emery.

He's brilliant.

...and lie. Wake up!

[gasps]

[grunting]

- Well, you can imagine.

- [Santa grumbles]

[screaming]

The Devil is in the attic!

Look, son,

you didn't see Satan.

You were simply

overwhelmed with guilt

about peeking into places

you really shouldn't,

and finding magazines that I should

feel guilty about but don't.

And hopefully, you'll understand

later, when you're married

and lassitude has lassoed the galloping

priapic pony of your sexuality.

- Pony? What pony? I'm getting a pony?

- No.

There's no pony. Jesus.

Then I don't think...

What are you talking about?

I'll make it simple, okay?

There is no Devil.

But there's no Santa either.

That's the trade off, Tay-Tay.

Santa and Satan

are just symbols for...

[Tay-Tay] My father's book,

The History of OM,

is about the redemptive power

of prayer and meditation.

I tried reading it last summer.

I couldn't.

If a cartoon in a titty

magazine just about killed me,

a normal life was totally

out of the question.

College, forget it.

Sex, drugs and rock and roll,

a death sentence.

And love...

[woman] Hey.

Hi.

Are you here by yourself?

Do you have a car?

Did you drive here? Do you have,

like, a phone or something?

I need to call a cab

or Lyft, or whatever.

Um...

What?

You okay?

What?

I said are you...

No, not re... not really.

[woman] Well, you don't

look so hot.

[Tay-Tay] I have a kind of...

condition.

[heart beating]

You're sweating a lot,

do you know that?

I'm having

kind of a hard time.

Having a hard time what?

Just breathing, actually.

Oh, sh*t.

[heart beating faster]

F***!

- Name, please.

- Krystal Bryant.

- No, I meant him.

- Oh, I have no idea.

Look, man, I don't even

know him, okay?

He was just sitting

on the beach, on his ass,

and all of a sudden,

kid has a heart attack.

See if we have anything

on a Taylor Ogburn.

[nurse] We need the EKG...

- [doctor] Miss Bryant, I have to ask you to leave.

- He won't let me go.

Taylor Ogburn, history of

Paroxysmal Atrial Tachycardia.

- [doctor] Age?

- [nurse] 18.

- God, remember 18?

- IV's in.

- Maybe a pulse reading would be in order?

- Great, get a pulse reading.

[nurse] Two hundred.

- [shouts] -Miss Bryant,

that's not helping.

2-10, 2-15.

- [doctor] He's not converting.

- It's bad, right?

You're amazing.

- Just gonna put this...

- 2-40.

- 2-50.

- We're gonna have to induce conversion.

- Get me four CCs of ATP.

- Oh, God. Shot, Jesus. Needles.

Well, Miss Bryant, I'm not

giving you the shot, am I?

- You can just eat me, all right?

- Miss Bryant, you're fantastic.

- 2-60, 2-18.

- ATP.

Adenosine Triphosphate.

Taylor, you're gonna feel a kind of

warmth spreading up your arm, yes.

[groans]

[gasps]

Something's wrong.

- No, you're fine.

- He's not fine!

- Miss Bryant, shut up.

- [nurse] 1-80.

Yep, see?

You're converting. You're fine.

My heart is bleeding.

I can feel it opening

and bleeding.

F*** bleeding. I'm going down.

I swear to God, I'm going down.

Nurse, can we get a couple

of Valium for this crazy broad?

- Get her the hell out of here.

- I can't take Valium. I'm in the program.

- Somebody do something!

- Oh, okay.

- [man] Somebody help her!

- [nurse 1] Jose, we need a little help in here!

Roll you over.

Yeah, just get her head.

She's in the program.

- [nurse 2] What program?

- [nurse 1] AA.

It's okay.

[Taylor] My brother Campbell

is a hot-sh*t artist.

I don't know if his paintings

are good or bad.

I do know they're big.

So big, in fact,

that when I stand before them,

I can literally feel

myself shrinking.

- No thanks.

- Right. Sorry.

How many times you

faked the P.A.T. thing?

- How do you know I ever faked it?

- I would.

At my piano recital,

at your show in Charleston.

I knew it.

I think there are more

but shame dulls my memory.

Have you ever been in love?

Negative.

Well, what about

Mary Elizabeth?

[chuckles]

I brought Mary Elizabeth to

dinner a couple of weeks ago.

So before dessert, Dad and I went out

onto the porch to smoke a joint.

When did Dad

start smoking pot?

He says, "You ever notice, Mary

Elizabeth has a bit of a beak?"

Imagine if she had a little mustache,

she'd look just like Larry Bird.

Oh, my God. He's right.

Yep.

Some things

you just can't unsee.

So I dumped him.

Her.

Was there a point

to this story, or...?

The point is, I think love

is just a trick God plays on us

so we don't feel ashamed

of ourselves all the time.

Weird to hear you

talk about God.

I mean, do you,

you know, believe?

Only marginally.

And only when it's convenient.

What about Satan?

- What about him?

- Do you believe in him?

Hell no! Who needs Satan

when we have Republicans?

Morning, Mr. Spencer.

And a good morning to you,

my lady of ladies.

Good morning, Taylor.

Has our Kingfisher

arrived from New York?

- Not yet.

- Oh. [sighs]

Oh, shoot a monkey...

Well, all in good time,

I suppose.

[Taylor] Vera is the Belle of the

Honeysuckled Sunny Southern Aphorism.

"All in good time.

God works in mysterious ways.

Everyone is doing

the best they can."

Vera, you know

what I admire about you?

I have no idea,

but I'm dying to hear it.

Your resolute cheeriness, which flies in

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