Kummeli Stories

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Timo, hey.

-Yes?

Could you turn on the projector?

-It's on

Where those hairs come from?

Again there's one on the lens

I don't know.

-Red hair

And it's curly.

-It's your erogenous hair

It's not, it's armpit hair

It is your penis hair,

blow it away

Good evening

Finnish trucker Reino Laakso -

has ended up in open conflict -

at Luxembourg's border station

A truck full of carrots has been -

denied entry to

the country by the customs

with too weak arguments

according to Laakso

Here're some great carrots

for Luxembourgians

(German gibberish)

What is loss?

Here's the car papers

Filthy car

Oh damn. You see, for 20 years -

I have done this work

and one thing I've learned -

is that to never give up

If need to deliver carrots to

Luxembourg I'm going to finish it

(gibberish)

Laakso's numerous contact attempts -

have been shrugged off

by Luxembourg's government

It's so that you can keep the carrots

Finland's EU-Commissioner

Erkki Liikanen disapproves -

both Laakso's and

Luxembourg goverment's actions

I think, I have to,

with this note -

touch my arse

I see

Luxembourgian ministers

have performed -

rituals that dishonor Finnishness

Klaus, just look.

-Good job

Finnish government has given

Luxembourg goverment -

an ultimatum. If profanity

doesn't come to an end -

Finland threatens

to adopt further secret measures

Esa.

-Moth has cocooned

Fox acknowledges

Listen up, it's best now

that girls go home

What? I haven't got anything yet

And Jari as well

Open, open away

Pirjo, could you

hand over those forceps

Open

Open, open, open

Kariluoto.

-Moth has cocooned

Hare acknowledges

Ilmo, Ilmo, you have a call

Ilmo

Lynx acknowledges

Mom, I must go now

-Oh my goodness

So this is what it meant when my

buttocks began to tickle terribly

Boy goes to war

Ilmo, Ilmo, I brought

you some lunch box

Oh you, mom

Don't worry about me,

I take care of myself

I'll be back by the hay-making

-So said you father -

and he only went to deliver

milk churns, never returned

Captain Rankkanen,

captain Rankkanen -

your suit has arrived

from washing

At ease

Fox?

-Here

Hare?

-Here

Lynx?

-Here

Cigarette man is always cigarette man

Your mission -

is to strike enemy's living

and materialistic force -

everywhere in the areas

that they are ruling

This mouse-sh*t here

is Luxembourg -

An area about the size of Forssa.

Know that -

even at this very moment they

are f***ing us pretty harshly

It's the end now!

The mission will be accomplished

quickly and efficiently -

after which you will exit the area

according to your own judgment

Air Force will transport you

to the enemy's airspace

At 19:
30 your parachutes

will open, any questions?

Check your clocks

Dismissed!

And remember!

Today the sh*t rang here too

and called me gay

Even if I was gay -

there's no need to tell it to me

Oh Sibelius,

oh, Juha Mieto...

Please

Please

Dear passengers, prepare

to jump in 30 seconds

Weather is beautiful

at Luxembourg, but partly cloudy

Captain Rantala and crew

wish a successful jump

The most important is that

we were not detected

It's only an advantage

Have to burrow.

-And fast

Watch out, right side

Don't recall me,

I take care of my plot

This is quite rally

No boys, rally is

something very different

He has bought some

random tires worth 50 marks -

from some junkyard

When Stefa installs it's precise.

-As always

There's no time to lose now.

-As always

What?

What, what?

It's fun to have spot check here

It's joy to give you fines

Radar stops you,

it stimulates us

Here's the end of your ride

It's fun to breathalyze drunkards

We are hepaticas of the roads

We may loosen your plates,

it refreshes us -

if can dry up the licence

Fines, fines,

great fines

We don't skimp,

we gladly give -

fines, fines,

fines to everybody

Come and get yours

Hey dudes, you hear?

You hear me?

Yes we hear

Quite cold is here,

quite cold is here

Yes. -Shall we exchange?

Shall we exchange?

In a minute. -Let's exchange

already. Let's exhange already

In a minute

Dudes, now some 96 comes

at least 600 mph

I guess it's red, perhaps red

To what hell's rally

are you going to?

Nordics rally

Red Opel Kadett HKR-420,

child is screaming inside

Release the child

Have a good rally to you

Girls, after the final race

at the hotel a bit...

You are just awful

Hi there

This is the place for signing up?

Oh f***, I have eaten

cabbage casserole 4 days straight -

my stomach's upset.

-Class, certificate and licence

A-group.

-Have you got any charcoal tablets -

my stomach's messed up

Sorry but I only have

a full tube of rectal wax

These are fine, have a

good rally. -Yes thanks

Was there any trouble?

-Nope

Well what then? -I was just

looking at those other teams

Well what about them?

-They are quite clowns

Sure are

...already 35 times

Five, four, three,

two, one, drive

Oh darn.

-Go to push

Moisio, third gear, clutch down -

when car moves, clutch up

Clutch... Brake

Right, different fast,

left, different fast

75 right, flat out

Over 50, jump, right fast

Where are we?

Bottom of the bank,

right's okay, left down, up

Left full speed forward,

not fast

Left fast, this is most of all

goddamn curvy road

Pull your owns.

-Right

I could pull one cigarette

during this interval

If okay?

-Hey, this stick snapped

Well then, let's replace it.

Stefa will do

That's precise

Hey, clutch's gone.

Could you steer? -Okay

To right

To left.

-Stefa

New clutch. Stefa's working on it

That's precise.

-Right

Hey, cigarette dropped

Bench is burning.

-Stefa will take care of it

Foam to the eggs

I'm foamed all over

Ha, ha, looking good

Really fast, hundred

Right down,

left full speed

Really embarrassing to say but...

Of course you can go and pee now

May Day drink is?

That's mead

Mead

"Tsorry."

-That's ok

It was very difficult

and hard race

We had some troubles

with the tires

But the team is

working very fine -

and I'm drinking and

f***ing all the time

I heard that Carlos

is coming very strong

Anyway I think that if I try my

best we're gonna win this race

Tomorrow of course I'm

gonna have lot of troubles -

because I'm gonna have

hangover and some other diseases

But I think that anyway

it's gonna be alright

Well boys, there's

nothing to worry about

We are less than 5 minutes

behind the second last

I'll put 20x bigger nozzles -

and I think we'll make it

to winner's podium

That's great when team functions

well and we get feedback

We have had good thing going today

We come strong and

aggressively to the curves

But need to get out of there

Lampinen, you have to be able

to tighten your map reading

It's great when team functions

well and we get feedback

And need to give that to you

What do you think those

other teams are doing?

They also give feedback

to their drivers

It's not enough to

be born as winner -

but we need to polish the diamond

You know?

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