Kung Fu Page #2

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But they're good at kung fu.

I can do kung fu!

Oh, yeah?

SNICKERS:

Didn't I tell you I know

Buddhist Palm kung fu?

MAN:
Hey there,

handsome boy. Stop.

Amazing!

Do you know you

have a special aura?

You're so young,

but you have

the bone structure

and chi flow

of a kung-fu genius.

If your chi flow

can be channelled,

then you will be invincible!

Like the old saying:

You cannot escape your destiny.

The duty of upholding

world peace and punishing

evil will be yours.

Sure.

This is the scroll of the

Buddhist Palm. It's priceless.

But as it's fate,

I'll let you have it for $10.

###

BUDDHIST PALM MANU AL

You gave him your life savings?

Yes.

I was saving to study to be

a doctor or lawyer,

but this was world peace.

CHATTERING:

SING:

Let go of the girl!

Hey! It's the Buddhist Palm!

"The 20-Cent Kung Fu Manual."

CHILDREN LAUGHING

You must be loaded.

Have you killed anyone lately?

He's a fool,

and she's mute.

Losers!

I realized then that good guys

never win. I want to be bad.

I want to be the killer!

Ice cream!

Where?

Make mine a vanilla.

Chocolate for me!

###

What're you looking at?

Never seen free

ice cream before?

Look at her run!

LAUGHING:

You're such kung-fu masters,

go take it on the road.

You belong

in the circus, not here!

Don't say that, Landlady.

There must be

a reason they're here.

Everyone has

his reasons.

We don't want

to make trouble.

I'm glad you get it.

The mob's mad at us.

We'll never hear the end of it.

Why don't you get lost!

Your wife shouldn't be so nasty.

MOANS:

You okay?

WOMAN:

Masters.

We have nothing

precious to give you,

but take this as a token

of our appreciation.

Thanks for saving us!

LANDLAD Y:

Stop the crying.

This isn't a show!

You're so cold-hearted.

Talking back to me, eh?

You may know kung fu,

but you're still a fairy.

CRYING:

It's no crime to be

good at kung fu!

Once a fairy,

always a fairy.

Look at you. What's with

the red underwear?

Why not a diaper

while you're at it.

J ANE:

What's wrong

with red underwear?

Where were you

when there was trouble?

If it weren't for them,

we'd be finished.

Be reasonable!

I'll reason with you.

You owe me three

months' rent. That's $90.

Pay up or pack up!

Don't you worry. I'll pay it.

Think you're a smartass,

Rabbit-Tooth Jane?

What's it to you,

tub of lard?

B*tch!

Calm down, Landlady.

This is your fault.

PEOPLE SHOUTING:

MAN 1:
Are you trying to kill us?

MAN 2:
You're right.

MAN 3:

How could you do that?

Shut the hell up!

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING

GLASS SHATTERS:

You think you can out-yell me?

The fat lady can really sing.

Watch this!

###

What happened?

What do you mean,

what happened? You try it.

Me?

Quick!

Sorry! You okay?

I think you should get closer

and take better aim. Okay?

Okay!

Who's throwing the handles?

Handle?

Where's the third knife?

God knows where it went.

Could it be the

same one? Can't be...

Don't!

Sorry.

What are you trying to say?

I just remembered I have

something to do. See you!

Uh-oh. They've seen us!

Stay back!

Don't panic! Snakes like music.

If I whistle, they won't bite.

Please, no more bright ideas.

HISSING:

Oh, what the hell!

WHISTLES:

GASPS:

Not you again, a**hole!

MAN:

Get back to your business!

Split up!

Split?

###

WHIRRING:

HORN HONKING:

THUD:

###

TYRES SCREECHING

WOMEN SCREAM:

POUNDING:

What're you doing here?

Looking for you.

Weren't you hurt?

I'm fine!

How come you always

recover so fast?

I don't know.

Which hospital did you go to?

Don't remember.

Maybe it's better that way.

Memories can be painful.

To forget may be a blessing!

I never knew

you were so deep.

All the sadness

one can bear...

down the river everywhere.

Hey, get out of the way!

SING'S SIDEKICK:

Move!

SING:

I'll slap you

to kingdom come!

Look at those four-eyes

carting around a coffin.

What morons!

LANDLAD Y:

Don't blame me

for making you leave.

We'll let Buddha decide

BELL TOLLING:

whether you stay

or go.

HORRIFICALLY BAD FATE

Have some tea.

We're grateful for

some professional help.

We understand the problem.

Twelve Kicks from the Tam School,

Iron Fist from the Hung School

and the Hexagon Staff...

Those guys at Pig Sty

are really good.

HARPIST 2:

Their warrior days

are long over,

but they're still top fighters.

This job is a great

challenge for us.

Now, that's professionalism.

Number One Killers.

Expensive, yes,

but worth every penny!

No! Number one is the Beast,

the world's top killer.

HARPIST 2:

He was so dedicated to kung fu,

he went crazy.

I heard he's now in an asylum.

So you're the

top killers now.

Strictly speaking,

we're just musicians.

A song that wrenches the heart

O where do I find a knowing ear?

Great poem, isn't it?

###

We'll be saying

goodbye soon.

Who knows when we'll

see each other again.

We're three of a kind.

Wish we'd known before.

Let's take this opportunity

to spar a little.

No. We still have

a lot to pack.

You're right.

###

Twelve Kicks of the Tam School!

Superb attack and defence!

Iron Fist:
powerful yet

delicate. Top-notch!

Hexagon Staff, with its

thousand moves. Mystical!

ALL:

Till we meet again!

SHOUTS:

CLATTERING & CAT SCREECHING

MUSIC PLAYING:

ON RECORD PLAYER

LANDLAD Y:

More lipstick!

INDISTINCT CHATTERING

Stay there,

or I'll break you in half.

###

###

JINGLE:

###

Sorry, we're closed.

You can make

a suit in no time.

We're moving.

This is good material!

You know your stuff.

This has high artistic value.

How high?

At least a few stories...

###

Insulting the Axe Gang!

We'll show them.

Let's kill them all and make

this place a brothel.

Don't block my view!

What's going on?

GRUNTING:

Good!

Good!

Don't block my view!

Damn! I told those nitwits to leave,

but they're still here.

Really?

Yeah.

What the hell is this fighting?

Who'll pay for the damage?

Sorry, sorry. It's nothing!

COUGHS:

You know what time it is?

I have to sleep.

Hey, fatso, eat sh*t and die!

Die? In this racket?

Sorry, sorry!

LAUGHS:

Get out of my way!

Hang in there, Tailor.

LANDLAD Y:

Be quiet!

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING

LANDLAD Y:

Give us a break!

Why push us so far?

There's another master?

###

GRUNTING:

GROANING:

SCREAMING:

GRUNTING:

It's the Lion's Roar!

I thought that was a myth.

Who knew the Lion's Roar

really exists?

That's the last

we'll see of them.

It's bad, Brother Sum.

Quick, start the car!

Start the car!

Boss!

Keep it down!

Have you no manners?

Get lost. People

are trying to sleep.

They have

to work tomorrow.

Get out of here!

Scumbags!

###

WOMEN SOBBING:

DONUT:

I can't hang on much longer.

But having seen

real masters

like you...

I can now die in peace.

Don't say that.

We're ordinary folks.

Ordinary's a blessing.

Don't call us masters.

But you're such

great fighters!

If only you'd helped earlier,

they wouldn't have to die this way.

Like Donut said,

everyone has his reasons.

Years ago...

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