L!fe Happens Page #4

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Well, you guys didn't

even exchange e-mails.

Yeah, maybe.

You're never gonna

see this guy again, man.

He looked fine,

so what, whatever.

Right. You're probably right.

I am right.

Yeah. Right.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right?

LAURA:
Yes!

Guys;

Kim!

I don't know.

I do.

(ALL LAUGHING)

SERGEI:
I've got some

not so great news for you.

Melanie's lawyers

are requesting

that you keep

paying for her facials,

because it was your idea

to move to Los Angeles

and that's what

makes her skin so dry.

But, you know, I get...

Wait. Can she do that?

We all told you

she was a b*tch.

Nobody told me

she was a b*tch.

Not to your face,

but we all thought it.

So, how long is she

gonna drag this out for?

(SIGHS) Unfortunately, in

the state of... Gummi Bear?

No. I'm good.

Green. No, orange.

Unfortunately,

in the state of California,

you have got to wait six...

Now, this is all lawyer speak, okay? Jargon.

But you have to wait

six months, I think,

from the time you...

You have to wait.

Come on, I just wanna

move on with my life.

I want the same thing, Nick.

You think I don't want that?

You think I don't want you

to sow your wild oats?

I need you out there, man!

Bringing in

some new p*ssy blood!

I mean, bringing in new...

Get new...

New p*ssy and new blood.

Separately.

You know, newness, new chicks.

Look, my point is,

I've got to live vicariously

through someone. Right? Okay?

And look at you, you're

handsome, it makes sense.

What are my other options?

Henfi?

Come on, look at that guy.

He's a hot mess.

Yeah.

He's into some

funky sh*t, man.

You should hear some of his

stories, they're amazing.

So, how did this happen?

My parents got divorced

and I said to myself,

"I'm not gonna let

this happen to me," and...

Listen, divorces are

never easy, you know.

I mean, sometimes they can be.

Yours is not. Definitely not.

The point is, you need to

take care of yourself.

You know? Do something to

keep your mind off of things.

Look out for you.

What about that girl

you met the other night?

The little cutie at

the bar at that dog thing?

The bloat?

She didn't have the bloat.

But, you know...

I didn't get

her number, but

I know who she works for.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

One new message.

Yeah. Hi, darling, listen,

we have a new client.

A single doggy daddy with a

250-pound mastiff named Bishop.

You know what they say

about men with big dogs...

I think that's the

expression. Anyway...

bishop?

Hi, buddy.

Sit. Sit.

Sit. Sit. Good boy.

Sorry. Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy? Hi, there.

Hey!

(SCREAMS)

You!

You!

What are you doing here?

This is my house!

Are you stalking me?

I swear this is

just a coincidence!

Really? You expect me to...

Okay. I'm... (LAUGHING) I

can't keep this up, I'm so...

You ran out so fast

the other night,

I didn't get your number, so I

just called and requested you.

And I thought

that it'd be funny.

And you would think I was funny

and then we'd laugh and ha-ha...

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

It played out so much

more romantic in my head.

Do you still want me

to walk your dog?

No. I just got

done walking him.

It's a nice place.

Did you just move in or something?

I'm in a sort of

transition right now.

It's a long, boring story, trust me.

That must be your

roommate's baby?

I take him to work sometimes

when she's busy.

He's a handsome little guy.

(CHUCKLES)

Hi, buddy.

Uh-huh.

(LAUGHING)

Anywho, now that

I got you here.

Would you like to go

to dinner on Friday?

I said yes.

DEENA:
Nice.

Yeah. And I kinda asked him

to bring a friend for you.

Please go with me.

I can't do this alone.

Sure, I'll be a part of

the get Kim laid brigade.

The friend better be hot and Ivy League.

Did you scratch again?

I scratched again.

Jesus, Kim.

Dude, I had a window.

Maybe I should have come clean.

Why'? Out of some sense

of moral obligation?

No, I mean, he obviously really

likes me enough to track me down.

It was kind of romantic, and

now I'm being a sleaze ball.

Come on. Guys have been doing this crap for years.

Hit it and quit it.

It's not like you're

gonna marry him.

Oh! Gosh!

Where the heck

did I put my keys?

Oh!

Yes!

What?

Oh, it's for

Valet of the Dolls.

You look like

a prostitute.

You look like Jennifer Aniston

in Friends with Money.

KIM:
Have you seen

The Night Porter?

DEENA:
Are you dating

Marilyn Manson?

Are you going trick or treating?

Happy Halloween.

Did you kill him with

a candlestick holder?

Hey, Laura,

what's "make love"?

Something your girlfriend

does while you bang her.

Are you really a virgin?

You guys are random.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right. Watch this.

WOMAN 1:
"Mommy and Me"

is so important to us

"for developing your

infant's cognitive skills.

WOMAN 22 Yeah.

And it's a great way

of training at any time.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry, guys. I'm sorry.

Why is that lady late?

Oh, sorry,

sorry, guys.

Welcome.

Hi.

I just wanna invite you

to get comfortable and relax.

Okay. Sorry, guys.

(GRUNTS)

Okay, let's pick up

where we left off.

Hester.

Hi, I'm Hester.

MOM:
Hi, Hester.

And I've been doing yoga

for a really long time,

and I just thought it'd be great

to bring some om to the womb.

As most of you know, I'm Patti,

and we love this class,

because it falls

perfectly between

Lil' Gym and

Survival Swim class.

And you?

I'm sorry.

You could just share

with us both of your names

and what brings

you here today.

I'm Kim.

Hi, Kim.

HESTERI Hi, Kim.

Hi. And this

is my baby, Max.

And I'm here

because I have a date,

and I wanna get

into slamming shape,

and what other exercise classes

can you bring a kid to?

Right?

Okay.

(ALL CHANTING)

(CRYING)

Sorry.

(SHUSHING)

You are making quite a name for

yourself with our female readers.

That last column on why men who

are married to high-powered women

with multiple degrees

often cheat

with exotic dancers

to mollify their

own power insecurities

caught the eye of one of

my contacts at Seal Press.

The same publishing company

who did Gender Outlaws?

That's the one.

They're interested in

hearing your book pitch.

Come on!

Holy flying

mother of God!

Oh!

Hey! I just wanted to say you

have nothing to worry about.

You have a lovely figure.

Oh, thanks.

Seriously.

Don't you just

love these classes?

I think it's so important to

have the support of other moms.

And JJJ just loves it.

JJJ?

Jessica Jennifer Justice.

My husband Brock and I

were always laughing,

with a name like that,

she's gonna be a lawyer!

And what about this little guy?

What are you gonna be?

Well, I was probably

just gonna let him decide.

Do you know how many kids in my

high school committed suicide

'cause they didn't know

what they wanted to do?

Direction is really the

greatest gift we can give them.

Are you guys

free for a playdate?

Okay, chubbo, there you go.

You, little fatty.

PATTI:
Is that

your friend Max?

Whatever.

How did you do that?

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