L!fe Happens Page #5

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That thing has literally never turned on.

We have that same one.

It sticks, you gotta jam the button.

Oh, my God, thank you!

So where are you and your husband

going on your big date tonight?

It's a guy that I just met.

I'm not married.

Oh!

Wow! How do you think

that's gonna affect Max?

You know, having

a constant stream of men

coming in and

out of your life?

Well, lwouldn't necessarily call

it a constant stream of men,

I mean, I wish, right?

God, a single mother!

That is a cross to bear.

I think about

that all the time,

how hard this would be

to do alone.

I mean, I know I'm so

lucky to have Brock.

Do you have family

at least to help?

Actually, my parents died

when I was little,

so I was raised by

my Pop Pop.

Oh, my God,

you poor thing!

No, no, it's fine.

I've always

kind of done things

a little differently.

It's kinda like my thing.

Winston Churchill, St.

Augustine, Floyd Mayweather, 50 Cent,

Jack Nicholson, Barack Obama and

my cousin Taylor were all bastards

and they turned out

just fine.

Women carry the baby, they birth

the baby, they feed the baby.

Fathers are

totally antiquated.

(NERVOUS LAUGH) I don't actually

think that fathers are antiquated.

Really? That's so weird,

'cause I'm pretty sure

it was you

who helped me come up with my chapter

of "Fathers Are Antiquated."

Patti, meet Deena.

Deena, this is Patti.

Hi!

Hi.

Look at me. After I had JJJ, I just

realized I couldn't do it all.

I mean, you gotta

shift your priorities.

It's a full time job, even

with a husband, being a mom.

I was trying to go to work,

then go to a playdate,

then go to Mommy and Me,

change a diaper, still see friends,

I was gonna lose my mind.

I was gonna lose my mind.

Yeah, it does seem

overwhelming sometimes,

especially now that he's

getting so much bigger.

I know, 'cause then they know

when you're not there, right?

Whoa, whoa.

Why are you both

propagating these myths?

We live in a time where women

can finally have it all.

Sexual empowerment, a great

career, money, family

and a man at home with dishpan

hands if she so desires, or not.

This is a really, really

exciting time for women.

Says the woman who doesn't have kids.

Right, Kim?

Oh, you know what?

I gotta go.

She needs a nap and

I gotta start dinner,

but thank you

so much for this.

And please, promise me

you're gonna call me

and you're gonna

come to Caf Chez Bb,

because you're gonna love it.

There's babies,

and moms and coffee,

and it's crazy

and it's cathartic.

Sure. Okay.

Okay. Love it.

Let us walk you out.

Oh! Mickey.

So, call me next week

or something?

This was so good.

Great. Thank you.

It was so fun.

Say bye.

(IMITATES KISSING)

Oh, I think

they are in love.

See you later. Bye.

Okay. Bye.

I thought she'd never leave.

What a sanctimommy!

Can you be nice?

What? Like she was to you?

"A cross to bear"? Are you kidding me'?

Okay, she didn't

mean it like that.

And, you know, I could use

a couple of mom friends.

Why?

Because, Deena,

believe it or not,

there are certain things

that I can't get from you.

Like what?

Okay. You know I've never

taken Max's temperature

because we thought

that you had to do it anally.

Well, she just gave me

these little strips,

and all you do is like

stick it on his forehead.

And she also fixed

the bouncing chair

and, I don't know,

other stuff.

Christ, Kim,

pretty soon you're gonna be

watching soap operas

in your sneaker clogs

and talking about Max's bowel

movements like they're fine art.

Well, it's not like you don't

have separate friends.

I heard you telling

Jayde or whatever about

your big meeting and

you didn't even tell me.

Whatever. She's obviously

way more fabulous than I am.

Dude, we just haven't been

home at the same time.

I mean, what do

you wanna know?

Well, nothing now, because

I have to go, all right?

We'll talk about it

later at the group date.

Okay.

(DEENA'S CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey.

Yikes, who died?

Oh, sorry, it's nothing.

What's up?

I just scored us VIP passes for

The National at a private venue.

You're kidding me?

No, I'm for real serious.

I can't tonight, man,

I got plans.

I got another call

coming in, tchose!

Hey, I just scored VIP passes for

The National at a private venue.

No way, take me.

This seat is taken.

Move on, please.

Thank you. Move along.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Group date!

Oh. Sorry.

Yay!

Yay.

How was the rest

of your day?

Well, work sucked.

I breast-fed in a gas station

bathroom, so that was awesome.

I just dropped

Max off with Laura.

So you wanna hear

about my meeting?

Oh, right. I'm sorry,

I totally forgot.

Pauline got me

a meeting to...

Can I get a glass

of water, please?

...Pitch "Separating Yourself

from the B*tches,"

which clearly

you're not interested in

hearing about,

so I'll just shut up.

Deena, I'm sorry,

please forgive me

for having other

things on my mind,

like the fact that this

guy is about to show up

and I'm gonna have to blatantly

lie to him all night.

I know,

but I'm here for support

'cause you can't do

it alone, remember?

Great. Yes, I know, but it's

just not the Deena show, okay?

(SCOFFS)

Okay.

(EXHALES)

NICHOLAS:

Hey, Kim.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

You remember

my friend, Henri?

Right. From the

other night, yeah.

Are you French?

No. (EXCLAIMS)

Baby, you are the sexiest

thing I have ever seen.

So this must be

your roommate with the baby?

Yep.

This is Max's mom,

my roommate with the baby.

Nicholas, meet Deena.

Hi.

Deena,

this is Nicholas.

She didn't tell me that she

told you about my baby.

Whoops!

Actually, I met him.

He is so cute.

He is cute.

It must be just so nice to live

with a built in babysitter.

It is so nice to have someone you can

rely on for pretty much everything.

Yeah! I can see you.

Child on your hip. Born to be a mom.

And I see you.

Mustache on your face.

Profiled on

To Catch a Predator.

Whoa!

(NICHOLAS CLEARS THROAT)

Should we go get a table?

Yes.

Should we sit somewhere?

So, no stretch marks? Not one?

How did you manage that?

Oh, no, there's

a cream I saw...

Yeah, Henri,

you know what?

Will you help me

carry some drink menus back?

Yeah.

This one. I like this one.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Are you kidding me?

He could have been anyone's kid.

Why did you make him mine?

I'm sorry, it just came out!

Please, you have to go along with it.

Okay. You wanna

see the Deena show?

The truth is,

I was sleeping with

loads of guys

when I got pregnant.

But I think the father is

an Australian pro surfer.

(LAUGHING) Obviously, she's kidding.

No, I'm not.

Obviously, she knows

that the father is Marc,

and to his credit,

he has good genes.

He ditched me.

That's intense.

Well, he just wasn't in

the right frame of mind

to be a father and,

personally,

I think that

it's for the best.

I mean, just because two

people have a kid together

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