L!fe Happens Page #8

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always a player at heart"?

That's you, huh?

Awesome.

So...

You've never lied

about anything because

you thought it made

things seem easier?

No.

Well, I guess you're a

better person than I am.

Good-bye.

(SNIFFLING)

What's going on?

Hello? Wait, sir! Sir!

Wait! Sir, stop!

Stop, stop.

Wait, sir,

just a second. Stop!

He's fine. He's sleeping.

'Cause that neighbor kid you

hired kinda freaked out, Kim.

He'd never been

around a baby before.

If I hadn't come home, they would

have called social services.

Where the f*** were you tonight?

You were supposed to babysit!

What? Are you

out of your mind?

There is nothing, there is absolutely

nothing that excuses your behavior.

So I wasn't here, so you be here, Kim.

It's your child.

How dare you!

How dare you judge me!

You have no idea

what it's like.

If it had been me that night, if it had

been me who stole the last condom...

What?

This could have been you.

Wow, Kim.

Who are you?

I don't know.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

DEENA:
Oh, my God!

JAYDE:
What?

What are you listening to?

Is it that guy Henri?

Give, give.

Let me listen.

Oh, my God.

This guy is crazy.

Listen to the voice mail.

No!

I know.

Wait, the end's gross.

I thought that

was the best bit.

Save it.

Totally.

For sure.

He's a freak.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

(MAX GURGLING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, my God, there you are!

I've been 911-ing you all day.

Where have you been?

The customers are

starting to complain.

Francesca, are you ever going

to invest in my doggy mall?

Oh, God, the doggy mall,

the dog mall.

All I hear about

is the stupid dog mall.

Maybe I'd talk to you

about that dog mall

if you actually did

your job once in a while.

You know what, Francesca?

I am so sick of letting you treat me like sh*t.

Consider this my

five minutes' notice.

You... But you

can't just quit.

And you know what else?

You're not 21-year-old hot.

That's very rude.

Good-bye.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Hi. I brought you some

magazines and sandwiches.

Godmothers, extra

spicy with the works.

Are you gonna emerge from

the darkness anytime soon?

Is Deena here?

No.

She's avoiding me?

Yeah.

My best friend thinks

I'm a despicable person,

I lost the first guy who's

liked me in a really long time

and I'm the worst mom ever.

When I get sad,

I like to think of good things

that are unrelated to my problems.

Like whales, or those little yellow

chickens from Easter, puffs.

Those are called Peeps.

Laura, I know you're

just trying to help,

but can you please

just leave us alone?

Kim.

(MAX CRYING)

(SHUSHING)

I don't mean to sound harsh,

but you're kind of

just lying around

like you're giving up

on life or something.

That's easy

for you to say!

Why? Because my life

is so perfect?

I have no skills,

except that I'm pretty.

People think I'm dumb.

I live in a world

where I'm considered

a weirdo

because of my beliefs.

I'm not saying that my problems

are as serious as yours.

I mean, heck no.

But everything's relative.

You need to be

happy for Max.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Can I help you?

Hey, beauty. I heard.

What do you say we go out and get

into some old-school trouble?

I'm just really focused

on my career right now.

Yeah. So am I.

But I wake up every morning with a

raging boner with your name on it.

Come on, let me be your

"man with dishpan hands."

How did you...

I googled you.

Oh, my God, it's you!

Rita, the receptionist!

I'm marrying my skydiving instructor,

and it's all because of you!

Congratulations.

Thank you!

What do you think, buddy?

Hey!

Hey.

You made it!

You are late.

I had to stop for these.

I don't believe in flowers.

I think they're a trite symbol

developed to keep women needy.

I only agreed to

let you meet me here

so you would

stop pestering me.

Yeah, I know.

You're aware of

the conditions?

No talking. No touching.

No disturbing my workflow.

What if I violate

those terms?

I said, no talking.

Are you looking

to be punished?

I promise to

leave you alone.

If you agree to stop by

American Apparel afterwards

and try on

a few things for me.

You are such a perv.

Deal.

I didn't know a place like this existed.

This place is awesome.

The second JJJ gets in here,

she completely falls asleep.

I get to relax,

I can do my drawing...

Oh, wow, you draw?

You seem shocked.

Are you propagating the myth

that stay-at-home moms have to

give up all their passions?

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I actually am writing

a children's book,

it's called "Tickle,

Tickle Little Pickle."

My husband Brock

says it's gonna be

the laughing stock

of the Internet,

but, you know what,

I like it.

I can show it to you if you want.

You don't have to.

Yeah, I'd love to see it.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, so that's it.

Yeah. The pickle looks a little

demented now, but it's a prototype.

I'm thinking on taking down

the squirrel things,

because right now

it looks like

it's actually trying

to kill the pickle.

Wow. This is a pretty rock

and roll little kids' book.

I think there's

something there.

What do you think, buddy?

(LAUGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PANTING)

(MOANING)

DEENA ON BABY MONITOR: Oh, God!

Keep doing... Oh, keep doing that!

Oh, don't stop that! Oh!

Oh, God!

P*ssy master!

P*ssy master, yes!

Oh, yes, p*ssy master!

(MOANING)

Oh, p*ssy master! Yes!

Oh, yes, you're a p*ssy master!

(SIGHING)

(MAX CRYING)

(GROANS)

To speak or act in

an evasive way, 11 letters.

Prevaricate.

Well, hello there.

How'd you sleep?

Horrible. I just now

got Max to sleep.

How did you sleep,

p*ssy master?

Kim. Nicholas

asked about you.

I think he'd like

to hear from you.

Great.

Tell him I said hi.

You don't have to be

so hard on yourself, Kim.

You know you made a mistake,

you're human, big whoop.

So is he.

Oh, my gosh!

I've been chosen for a reality show!

I get to live in a mansion!

(SQUEALS)

What?

Yeah. America's Last Virgin!

I found out about it, and I

sent my picture in and I'm in!

Wait. What show?

America's Last Virgin.

They find 20 virgins,

all over the age of 21.

And they have us

live in a house

where there's

porn playing 24/7,

and you share

a room with a male model.

And then,

you go out on dates

and the dates, they try to tempt

you into losing your virginity.

And the last virgin

standing wins $100,000!

It's perfect, rig ht?

Deena, I figured you're always

saying take things as they come.

It's like that chapter in your

book, "Grab Life By The Balls."

So I totally

grabbed my balls.

I mean, I thought it was gross,

but I get it now. You get it.

I knew I was saving myself

for something this special!

(SHRIEKS)

Oh!

That sounds like

a recipe for rape.

Did she just make it sound like

I inspired her to do that?

Hey, Deena, can I talk to

you for a minute, outside?

Alone?

Yeah.

P*ssy master!

(EXHALES)

I'm gonna move out.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna pay you

the next month's rent,

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