L.A. Story

My name is Harris K. Telemacher.

I live in L.A. And I've

had seven heart attacks, all imagined.

I was deeply unhappy

but I didn't know it,

cause I was happy all the time.

I have a favorite quote about L.A.

By Shakespeare:

"This other Eden...

demi-paradise...

this precious stone...

set in the silver sea of this earth,

this ground... this Los Angeles.

Anyway, this is what happened to me,

and I swear, it's all true.

"Watch out L.A., it's major gridlock

out there this morning..."

No, no, no...

It's the perfect situation! - I can't

be in a parade. I'm in the news.

You won't see Dan Rather in a parade.

- 15 seconds to air.

What is good about waving at people?

- It's gonna make you beloved.

Waving is not what I do best. It

looks fake. - That's a great wave!

Look! I have to maintain my dignity.

People have to believe what I say.

This is news! This is truth!

...Telemacher with his report.

Hey, it's time for the

wac-wac-Wacky Weekend Weather!

Let's look at our weather map.

There's a low

coming in over Pasedna...

that's Pasadena, here,

no, there...

There were clouds here but the Council

decided against it, so there's no rain

in Beverly Hills.

We'll just have some sun, and snow,

and 72 and snow is what we'll have.

And now the car phone report.

Sunspot activity is at a minimum,

so there will be little interference.

So make that big important call.

You probably won't be disconnected.

And that's my report.

Gail and Bob.

Harris, somebody told me

you have a PhD. In Arts and

Humanities. - I do.

Did you a lotta good.

Harris, what's wacky?

What's wacky?

What's wacky about your last forecast?

- To me it was wacky.

No, not wacky.

- Not wacky?

That's we bought with you. You do

intellectual stuff. - Intellectual?

Maybe intellectual for you.

Because of your education.

This is an intellectual free zone!

- More wacky...

More wacky, let me make a note of

that. What was your name again?

We're late, aren't we?

- It's only one.

That's when we should be there.

I figure if I get here at 12:40,

we'll get there in plenty of time.

But I don't count on

the 20 minutes of "busyness"

that goes on after I get here.

I'm doing 30 minute lips.

Besides, they can wait.

You look so ready that I get ready

and I get up and stand by the door,

and I stand there for 10 minutes

until I realize you aren't ready.

So, I sit back down.

Then, I think you're ready again.

But I realize you just gave off

an illusion of being ready that I

interpreted as not being an illusion.

I'll be in the car.

Sitting there at that moment,

I thought of Shakespeare again.

He said, "Hey, life is pretty stupid.

Lots of hubbub to keep you busy

but really not ammounting to much."

Of course I'm paraphrasing.

"Life is a tale told by an idiot,

full of

sound and fury, signifying nothing."

You look nice.

Like this one better? I could change.

- No, that's all right.

Who are we having lunch with?

Friends and friends of friends.

And some of my gift service clients.

Frank will be there.

- I just saw Frank.

He wanted me to be in a parade.

If it weren't impossible for me

to fire people, I'd get somebody else.

20 minutes past one...

Hey, if you sense something

in the air, it's not the smog!

It's the first day of spring!

What did he say?

The first day of spring.

Sh*t!

Open season on the L.A. Freeway.

Look in the glove compartment!

Is it loaded? - It only has

two bullets. - Then load it!

Get over!

- Do bullets go bad?

No, no, it's not like milk! Hurry!

Don't point it at me!

- Sorry.

You son of a b*tch!

Don't ruin our brunch!

Keep low!

- Ok!

You little cocker!

My hair!

Do you have my blue pants?

- I took them to the cleaners.

I'm not kissing anyone hello!

Just shake hands. - Are you

kidding? I just washed my hands!

Cowles, party of ten.

Yes, you're the first ones to arrive.

This way, please.

Hello!

- Hello! - How you doing?

I hurt my back playing tennis.

We saw them together.

- So, I see this film,

and I'm gonna give it an 8.

As I'm leaving the parking lot,

I realize the producer

got this great space by the entrance,

and they put me far away in back.

So I gave it a three.

Good for you.

Sheila is studying

the art of conversation.

You're taking a course

in conversation? - Yes.

I teach my clients the point system.

You should never have more than

7 points. Earrings are 2 points.

Those daisies are 3.

Before you go out,

look in the mirror. The first thing

that catches your eye has to go.

I had this thing in my hair before.

And I pulled it right out.

Marilyn Monroe did that.

- Don't get dumped

in L.A. In New York

you can meet someone on the street.

Here you have to hit someone in your

car. Some girls speed to meet cops.

We met on a hit in West Hollywood.

Loud talkers in restaurants.

I despise them and I want them to die.

Sara's here.

Shoot them like dogs.

I thought you were lost!

Let me sit you down.

This is Sara McDowel.

Harris, Trudy. - Frank Swan.

- Shawn. - How do you do?

...Cynthia.

Sara was just in London.

You must be exhausted.

It's nothing that some sleep and

a good f*** wouldn't cure,

as my sister used to say.

You have to forgive Sara.

- I'm sorry, it was a

figure of speech.

I've been on a plane for 12 hours.

What do you give the flight?

- What? - On a scale of 1 to 10.

An eight.

What would you like to eat?

What kind of food do they have?

California Cuisine!

And these damn wrong number dialers.

What the hell do we do about them?

Sara, what do you do?

- I'm here writing

about L.A. For the "London Times."

You've come to the right place.

What do you do, Rollie?

- I deal in English paintings.

Abstract or Realistic?

- Depends on how you look at them.

What's this?

It's an earthquake.

How strong is it, Harris?

I give it a 4.

When a business person needs a gift,

I go and pick something appropriate.

I gifted the entire

Sherman law firm last Christmas.

Sherman, I recieved something

from them, a stun gun!

That was me!

Did you get it monogrammed?

She ought to interview Harry Zell.

- Who's Harry Zell?

The most powerful agent in town.

- Beyond powerful. The miracle worker.

He's supposed to be nice.

He would never stab you in the back.

Napkin?

I think I'm a grown-up, but I'm not.

I'll have a de-caf coffee.

- De-caf espresso. - Cappuccino.

Do you have de-caf coffee ice cream?

- I'll have a de-caf double half caf.

I'll have a twist of lemon.

- Me, too. - Me, too. - Me, too.

I would love to do a make-over on you.

I hope your nose turns out.

As far as I'm concerned, there are

three mystical places in the world.

The desert outside Santa Fe,

the tree of life

in the Arab emirates of Bahrain,

and the restaurant

at Sunset and Crescent.

Because that's

where I first met her and touched her.

Wasn't that girl, Sara, awful?

What's with that accent?

- It's because she's English.

Or she's trying to impress everybody.

- Like that big phoney, Churchill.

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