Labor Pains Page #8

It's called "Fire It Up. "

Here's the manuscript.

It sounds great, Jerry, but I've

got a reading now. Can this wait?

You know what?

I'll be reading my book.

I'm shutting down

your little operation.

Jerry, Suzie's

book is a real gem.

It could be a hit

for the company.

What are you so afraid of? That

I might do a better job than you?

Hmm. Let me think.

Have you ever done better

than me at anything?

Hello, everybody. I've got

a treat for you tonight.

I'm gonna be reading from

Donald Rumsfeld's new book.

Here's a particularly

touching passage

about a short rib recipe he

picked up while in Baghdad.

Suzie's reading. Go read your

cookbook somewhere else, Jerry.

Step away

from the podium now!

Make me.

He begins.

Agh!

Get off!

Okay. Okay.

Stop itl That's enough.

That's enough.

Stop it. Get off of him.

How pathetic. You have to

have your secretary defend you.

She's not a secretary.

Oh, really? Then what is

she, other than shrill?

She's a fantastic editor.

Oh, that's rich.

An editor?

So I go away for a few months,

and the world's lamest accountant

is running my company with

the world's dumbest secretary.

All I can say is,

I hope your kid

doesn't inherit your brains.

Oh!

Be careful!

Be careful

Oh, God!

Oh.

What happened

to your stomach?

Oh, Nicky.

You always were such

a good judge of character.

Nick. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I never meant for things to go this far.

Jerry was gonna fire me and I

couldn't afford to get fired.

And I thought the whole thing

would blow over in a day or two.

Blow over

in a day or two?

What kind of person

pretends to be pregnant?

Nick. I'm sorry. Just...

Please, just... Nick.

Hey, Nick, it's Thea, um

I'm kinda wondering

what you're up to.

Kinda of assuming that what

you're up to is hating me.

Kinda feeling very

bad about that.

Anyway. Call me.

Hi, Nick.

Thea again.

I just wanna say

that I'm so so sorry.

I was talking to

your mother about it.

She and I are on the

same page on this thing.

I would rather say extra virgin olive

oil. I don't wanna abbreviate it.

Hi, Nick, it's me. Uh.

I know you haven't been

interested in picking up the phone

But I just wanted to tell you

how much I really, really...

Hi.

Hi!

Wow!

So...

what have

you been up to?

Watching the Vista

on an endless loop.

It's self-inflicted torture.

That sounds healthy.

Well, it smells like

something died in here.

It did.

My soul.

Thea. You've gotta give

yourself a tiny break.

People make mistakes.

I majorly screwed up.

Well, look on

the bright side.

They're still talking

about it at work.

How's Nick doing?

I don't know.

He resigned.

What?

Did he say anything

about what he's gonna do?

If you're asking me if he said he'd

track you down and propose to you

and spend the rest

of your lives together?

No. He wasn't specific.

I've been calling

him and calling him.

And he won't call me back.

Yeah, well maybe that

has something to do

with the massively twisted lie you've

told him for the last few months.

Do you think

he'll ever forgive me?

Do you want me to be honest or do

you want me to make you feel better?

How are Suzie's book sales?

Good.

You know, uh, there's

still a few boxes

that we need to

distribute here and there.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

It's a free country.

Hm. What's

in this? Mint?

Yup.

It's perfect

with the pear.

It's so unexpected.

That was actually, um, my idea. I

kind of just thought it would work.

Dad would

have loved it.

Mom would have

thought it was too fussy.

But she would have polished off the

leftovers after everyone went to bed.

I'm a big fat liar and I'm

sorry you got stuck with me.

Listen, Em. We're gonna

make this work. Okay?

I made an appointment with the Culinary

Institute to talk about student loans.

And I talked to Ms.

Talbot about scholarships.

You know, Mom and Dad would

have been so proud of you.

Thanks.

It needs, um...

I think

ten more minutes.

I don't have

ten more minutes.

But it's gonna

be all gooey inside.

I'll just have

to take my chances.

Here she comes. Here

comes Claire, everybody.

I love you.

I haven't missed

a show in five years.

Thank you. But you

should get out more.

I'm kidding.

I'm Thea Clayhill,

your biggest fan.

I made you a pineapple cake.

It's your favorite, right?

Yes. Good reconnaissance. Good for you.

How did you know

about the cake?

Her May 15th show.

She said it in passing.

Hi. I have some

books for you.

Oh, great. Just leave

'em right over there.

Okay. Keep your womb open.

You've got it.

I actually would like even

more toppings on my... Hello.

Hey. Thea Clayhill, your number

one fan with banana cream pie.

You do your homework. I hope it's

as delicious as your pineapple cake.

You can hit a few more

potholes next time.

Claire, I love you.

There she is. Claire.

There she is. My number

one fan, Thea Clayhill.

Uh, pear ginger pie.

Nicely done,

Betty Crocker.

It's actually not me,

it's my little sister.

What's your angle

besides making me a pig?

Wanna get your

little sister on TV?

I really want to get this book

on TV. It's really special.

Okay. Thank you.

Thanks.

Good luck.

Hi.

I bet I'm the last person

you wanted to see right now.

Well, maybe

not the last person.

Maybe the second

or third to last person.

I wouldn't want to see my 6th grade

English teacher, Ms. Posey. She was awful.

Or my college boyfriend. He

dumped me on an answering machine.

Listen, Suzie.

I'm really sorry,

I really wish I could have been

the person you thought I was.

I just figured

if I told you the truth,

you wouldn't want me in your life

and I really enjoyed being in yours.

I really enjoyed

being in your life, too,

for what it's worth.

Well, I've got some

really good news.

We're gonna...

Ow!

Oh, my God,

are you okay?

The baby's coming.

Right now?

My water broke

this morning.

My contractions

started an hour ago. Ow!

Where is everyone?

Jesse's on his way.

What should I do? Hot water? Towels? Let's

just get in the car and go to the hospital.

A lot of people can help us

there. I can't really do much here.

No, no, no.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

My contraction ended.

It'll be hours before

I have this baby.

It's already

that painful?

You ain't seen

nothin' yet.

It's gonna get a whole lot worse

before we turn this mother out.

What were you saying?

Oh, um, the Vista

wants you.

Are you sure

this is normal?

Yes, it's fine. The Vista?

That's amazing. When?

In two hours.

They had a cancellation.

Yeah. That's not

gonna work for me.

Hurry! We're

gonna be late!

Hello.

Hi.

I think I'm sitting on

something. Like this.

Hey, Em, it's me.

I desperately need a favor.

Here you go.

Don't cry.

Emma.

Hi, Nick.

What are

you doing here?

I have to take

you somewhere.

Excuse me?

Please, don't

make me explain.

So if you just get your

keys. We really have to go.

Emma.

Come on!

You're pulling our

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