Labor Pains Page #7

You've been

lying for weeks.

Hey, I learn

from the best.

Hey, um, your

boss is here.

What?

Maybe he wants

to make cupcakes with you.

Um, can you get my

stomach? It's in my room.

Yeah. But, um, it'll

cost you 25 bucks.

Sold.

She'll be right with you.

She's just getting dressed.

Okay, thanks.

Does it make you feel weird knowing

she's naked only, like, ten feet away.

Em!

Coming.

Stomach.

No. Pay me.

I'll pay you after.

Give me the stomach.

A promise from Thea? I can't take

that to the bank. Just pay me know.

Thank you.

Here's your fake belly.

Shut up. Get out.

Hello.

Hey.

Okay.

Hey.

Um, I, I just, I thought

I'd stop by, uh...

I wanted to show

you something.

It's our very first complete copy of

the book with cover and everything.

That's, that's great!

And, wow, I'm on the cover.

Oh. And we booked, uh, Tynan's

bookstore for the book launch.

That's awesome.

Well, um, I should

probably get outta here

and let you

enjoy your Saturday.

Well, um, if you're free

then do you wanna get coffee?

Sure.

I had a dog once. Then Jerry stole

it, took it to college with him.

Oh.

There's something amazing

about having a child.

It makes you feel like a

part of something bigger,

you know, even if it's not

real. Well, for me, that is.

Lydia didn't want children.

And I never questioned it.

But now I,

I realize, I, I do

wanna be a father.

I've been wanting to do

that for a really long time.

Actually, I just,

just did that.

Right.

We should probably take

things slowly though.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I have to...

I just realized...

I have to go.

There's somewhere...

I have to go somewhere.

Sure. Okay.

My sister...

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Yes, she's due

the sixth of October.

Alright. Okay.

That was your friend,

Rachel. And these are for you.

She saw the book

at Crown Books.

How come you didn't

tell her you were pregnant?

I thought I told her. It

must have slipped my mind.

Pregnancy brain.

I was planning on waiting a

little longer to start a family.

Sow my wild oats

a little bit.

But, I feel like there is

a larger purpose for me.

Thea, you need someone who

is smart and responsible.

Oh, God.

I offer myself to you, mind

and body, heart and soul.

Let me be your

baby daddy.

Uh-uh-uh, that's

very generous of you.

But it's, you know...

that's not gonna ha...

Don't worry about it.

It's a tough decision.

Thea, can I

talk to you?

Yeah, sure, yes.

Yes, absolutely.

If you could let me know before lunch.

I have a J date

I'd have to cancel.

I don't want to do that if I don't

have to. She's a little older...

So you're

ready for tonight?

Yeah. Totally.

We should clear the air.

I've been thinking a lot

about what happened.

And I feel

terrible about it.

You do?

I'm your boss and I made...

I made a pass at you.

Nick, that's not it.

I made a pass at you.

I caught that pass

and I threw it back.

And I liked it.

You did?

Look, that's not

what it is,

I'm just afraid of...

There's a guy, Philip, at

reception. He says he's the father?

Do want me

to talk to this guy?

No, no, no.

It's okay.

I'll talk to him.

It's okay. Thank you both. Excuse me.

Young man, don't you have

any sense of responsibility?

I didn't even know, lady.

She never returned my calls.

Christ, is it

mine, Thea?

Believe me,

it's not yours.

You can't be sure.

I did the math.

Believe me.

I can be sure.

I demand a DNA test!

Yeah. I'll tell her.

Bye.

Your sister

needs you at home.

A fire

in the toilet?

Your toilet's on fire? Isn't

that technically impossible?

Who's Philip?

Uh, an old, old boyfriend.

Big misunderstanding.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's okay.

No worries here.

Completely under control. But, uh, I,

I should probably get home to my sister.

I'll meet you at the party. Whoa. Sorry.

Surprise!

Hi, everyone.

Oh my God,

Aunt Betty!

Surprise, darlin'. Darlin'.

It's so good

to see you.

Aunt Jane and I just

drove in from Seattle.

Oh, Aunt, thank you, it's

so sweet of you to do this.

Thank you.

Oooh!

Ooh, it's a onesies.

Just what I needed.

We all decorated them.

Who made this one?

And this one?

What a good job, Sam!

That one's mine.

I just thought

it was

a little ironic.

More people are

coming. Hi. Who is it?

Whoa.

Hey, well, I hate to break up the

party, but, uh, we need to talk.

Everybody hang

onto your seats

just in case something

happens to her story.

Uh, no, I should get changed.

I need to be at a work event.

So thank you

for the shower, everyone.

Thank you.

Bye.

She is so out of control.

Look. She has stockpiled

all of this random stuff in her

closet. I mean, what is this? Seriously.

It was on sale.

Okay. I need you to say, My name

is Thea and I am not pregnant.

This is ridiculous.

And I've gotta go.

Come here.

You have got

to come clean.

I will. Okay?

I promise. Just not yet.

It's just I'm better pregnant.

For once, my life doesn't suck.

And I can't go back to being

Jerry's secretary or unemployed.

What are you gonna do? Stay

pregnant for the rest of your life?

People will

get suspicious.

Act like a grown-up.

Stop playing dress-up.

Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.

Take off the stomach now!

No.

Then I'm gonna

take it off for you.

Get off of me!

Let me take it off!

Get off of me.

Oh, hey! Hey, guys! Emma, stop it!

Stop it!

Let me take it off!

Making noise.

They are

making noise.

Hey! Stop it!

Take that thing off.

I said stop. Gosh.

Come on.

Stay back!

I'll get that

thing off of you.

Get off of me!

I'm gonna take

that thing off now!

Give it back!

Agh.

What are you doing?

You are so grounded!

Forever!

Uh, ladies.

I think we need

to re-group.

Stark raving mad.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I thought

she was pregnant.

Um.

I'm really confused.

Well, that is the last time I

throw a surprise party for anyone.

That baked zitti

goes home with me.

Sorry. I had to take

care of things with Em.

The toilet fire?

Yeah, I got the blaze under control.

You guys are amazing. This

is a great turnout. Thank you.

Okay.

Time to struggle with public

speaking. Sit back and enjoy.

You're gonna

be great.

Thanks.

What was that?

Are you guys...

I don't know.

Maybe. Kinda.

Hey. Good.

Good evening,

everyone. I'm back!

MacArthur finished

rehab a week early.

What's the matter, Nicky? You

don't look happy to see me.

Of course I am, Jerry.

Welcome back.

You're just in time

for Suzie's reading.

I got a little

surprise for you.

I just signed Rumsfeld

for his first book deal!

Donald?

No, Carlos.

Of course Donald.

I met him

at the rehab facility.

His cat had a terrible

case of sciatica.

They had to put the poor thing on

oxycontin. She got addicted. It was a mess.

I'm in the middle

of something.

Rummy's book is genius. It's

gonna put us back on the map.

It's a completely unique

opus about his time in Iraq

sprinkled with some

of his favorite recipes.

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