Laerte-se

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1

Why am I the target of this camera?

A NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

I have a certain resistance

to seeing myself

as an object

of an investigation or attention.

And this is something

that bothers me during interviews.

I end up answering, of course,

because...

because answering also interests me.

It is a heavy burden to me,

as, in a way,

I often hide things from myself.

E-MAILS FROM LAERTE

See you here tomorrow

at 4:
30pm, then? Kisses!

Actually, I would like to postpone it.

I am not at all comfortable

with recording here.

I think I need more time.

E-MAIL FROM ELIANE

Hi, Laerte.

I am not sure

time will make things easier.

It has been over a year

since the first time you refused.

Sometimes, time only makes things

taboo and makes monsters bigger.

EMAIL FROM LAERTE

Perhaps I don't mean more time,

but another time.

I have been particularly tense.

I have had a few people over

for quick interviews,

and I was anxious for them to go away

as soon as possible.

Our meeting

will not be a quick interview.

I think I would rather postpone it,

knowing what it means.

EMAIL FROM ELIANE

I think it is important

for us to keep our meeting,

and restart this documentary

from whenever possible.

And it is important

for it not become a burden to us.

Each meeting doesn't

need to be a big event.

Sometimes they are just un-events,

routines, small details...

and also sometimes uncomfortable moments.

Can you suggest a place

where you would feel good?

EMAIL FROM LAERTE

I can't think of anywhere.

I think you're right. It is like

therapy or psychoanalysis.

Let's do it at mine

and see how it goes. Bye.

Valente, my grandson,

had never been here either.

-I stopped him coming in.

-Oh, really?

Not now.

He is walking, he is all...

He's all biped.

So I wanted him to come.

I was a bit impatient.

My daughter-in-law was too,

and also Rafael.

Everybody liked it.

He found it nice, he was...

He got to the kitchen and said "skull!".

It was the first thing he saw.

"Do you like it?" "I do."

He loves my dad. Loves him!

He slept over there

recently for the first time.

He loved it. It's his grandpa.

We decided this - me, him and my dad.

What would he be?

Grandma or grandpa?

M's father passed away,

so there was no other grandpa

and there were

eight grandmas at the table.

So we asked him if he would be happy

being the grandpa, to fill a gap.

He said, "yes, it's fine."

How was it with your dad, the first time

you showed up dressed as a woman?

He was a bit pissed off.

But my mom...

She changed his mind, I think.

My father is more uptight

about these things.

Homosexuality and gender issues.

He is not open about these things.

He did try,

and I think his effort was great.

And I also think there is something

about being old, a kind of detachment.

My father is a retired professor.

He knows about rocks.

DAD?

IS THIS YOU, DAD?

THESE ARE MY TEETH.

SHOULD I TRY TO GET IN?

YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET OUT.

I remember what he...

When I started studying at FAAP,

there were many queers,

it was very artsy.

This climate was sort of evident

and he didn't hide his discontentment.

-About you being there?

-He would say that he found it odd.

"Look at those poofs over there."

And when I looked,

they were all friends of mine.

The hardest thing for me was my mom.

Up until the publication

of Bravo Magazine,

when the whole thing became public,

I was happy keeping my clandestine life.

I was more conformed than happy.

I knew she wouldn't,

under any circumstances,

reject me or anything like that.

But I knew she had objections to express.

And she reacted in a way

that is very typical of her.

Her first reactions

were full of humor and very favorable.

She said:
"I think I have

some skirts and dresses here for you

that I no longer wear."

But that is my mom.

She first reacts with humor.

And she sort of kept the relationship

the way we always had.

Very loving and affectionate.

Then, she expressed her objections:

"Be careful."

"You might be bullied,

harassed or assaulted."

"Assaulted," she said.

But there was no way

of making her feel appeased.

She was...

I think she still worries about it today.

And then she is also worried

about the theoretical question.

Because she is a biologist,

the concept of life she has...

It is biology dictating logic.

So I think she doesn't really understand

the way I see it

or how gender issues are seen today.

She gets that, okay, the person

feels that way, but it's not real.

What is being a woman?

My mom, for example,

says it is giving birth.

I asked her why

and she said that's where she felt

closest to an idea of being a woman.

It was her biggest accomplishment,

existentially.

-But that would leave you out.

-Yes, it leaves me out.

I have no illusions about that.

She doesn't think I'm a woman.

But how do you think she sees you?

It's not real, it's not...

I am not sure. I think she sees me,

first of all, as the son she had.

For 60 years I was her son.

And...

I think she is restless with...

with ideas

that might be disturbing for her.

She understands

there is a normal and natural way.

Where she doesn't use

quotation marks, you know?

You said it was difficult with her,

but the way you tell it,

it doesn't sound like it.

Yes... it was hard.

And it is hard because she represents

something very serious to me,

something very...

She is not just a person

I want to appease

and to make sure

she feels comfortable.

No. She is a fundamental

person in my life.

And she always will be.

It's not that she was fundamental.

She is fundamental.

-I like this sugar, it...

-I think it is quite pretty.

-Yes, it forms these little blocks...

-It is shiny.

I used to like...

When I went to the beach, the river...

When it reaches the sea,

it digs into the sand.

The riverbed changes a lot.

Depending on the water flow,

the riverbed comes, it goes...

So, there are many...

The edge of the sand

makes these little fjords.

And I used to love playing

with those things,

changing the water course until...

Boom! A big chunk would fall off.

It's the same with sugar.

-Was this when you were a kid?

-Yeah, more as a kid.

My father bought

a piece of land in Juquehy

and built a pre-fabricated house there.

In 1966.

What song do you want?

I want Spider Man.

Spider Man, Spider Man...

No, this is where we play. Here...

The black ones?

We play and put it in the little hole.

Ah, I know. It was not Spider Man.

It was Batman.

Batman!

You said you are afraid

of exposing yourself.

What exactly are you afraid of exposing?

I don't know.

I once said it is because I am afraid

people will realize that I am a fraud.

I am afraid they will realize...

They will realize it. I am afraid...

I don't like people to come into my house

because they will see that it's a mess,

that it's not a regular house.

HOW DO YOU MAKE:

A SMALL HOUSE SEEM BIG?

I have lived here for 12 years.

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