Laid in America

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Find a good hiding place.

Good job, boys.

Eye contact is very important

when trying to seduce your partner.

It's the most overlooked step by virgins,

so remember this for your first time.

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

Look at them

before you f*** their brains out.

Now, can we move on to the sex positions?

'Cause that's what I paid $80 for.

Actually, that's what I paid $80 for.

Yeah, don't worry, Jack.

I'll pay you back, I'll pay you back.

You boys can figure this out later.

Right now, I want you to pretend

that Bailey is a girl from class

that you brought home to your room.

Show me how you would seduce her.

Jack, you go first.

Hey. Hey there, Bailey.

Um, how was school for you today?

For me, it was okay.

I had a stomach ache, though.

But the nurse just said I ate too much.

What are you doing?

Take off your shirt already.

Come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry my chest is so smooth.

I can't grow any chest hair.

She's losing interest

and is about to call for a ride home.

What are you gonna do to make her stay?

Come on, you've got this, you've got this.

Oh, my f***ing God.

Okay, Jack, that's enough.

Not one girl is gonna wanna sleep with you

with that lack of confidence.

You need to work on that.

Duncan, your turn.

- Good luck.

- I don't need luck.

Scarlett, play some music.

That's a nice touch.

Hey, little sexy.

Whoo!

Yeah, yeah, you like what you see?

Do you like that?

Whoo!

Wait, why were you wearing those?

Wow.

"Oh, my God, it's so big."

I know.

You ever been f***ed

by a British boy before?

Huh? Huh? Yeah!

Yeah!

Uh, Duncan, that's a little aggressive.

Not all the girls get into it that quickly.

Scarlett, look at me!

I am the captain now.

Jack, get over here!

Show Bailey a good time.

Oh!

Wait. Don't you think

this is a little weird?

Jack, we're best friends, nothing is weird.

Okay, my time's up here, boys. Sorry.

Oh! Oh, God, I'm getting close.

What?

Happy last day in America.

Ah!

Did you just come?

Good morning, Glenbrook High School!

Well, I hope everyone's excited

for summer break.

I know I sure am.

Okay, make sure everyone

returns their books to the library...

Hey, guys, so this is

the ghost chili challenge.

Now, see, I put it...

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Your new video is terrible.

It only takes one video to go viral.

- F***!

- Oh.

And here to read this year's

final morning announcements

is the captain of the football team,

Tucker Jones.

Yo, yo, yo. What's goin' on, everyone?

Tucker Jones on the mike.

Today's lunch is meatloaf

with mashed potatoes,

and if you're a vegan

for whatever stupid reason, it's salad.

Also, I just wanna address the rumor

that's been going on about me.

Yes, I did hook up with Jaclyn Wasinowski,

and, yes, she does have herpes,

but I did not contract it.

- Tucker!

- Marsha, I'm okay, all right? Relax.

Just stick to the paper.

Marsha, calm your tits.

Also, I just wanna

remind everyone that tonight,

I am having the sickest

end-of-the-year party

celebrating my cat, Mr. Pickles,

hitting 10 million subscribers on YouTube.

Yeah. All girls welcome,

guys gotta be on my VIP list.

Okay, thank you, Tucker.

And that's how it's done, b*tches.

P*ssy-ass dick holes.

Did you get invited to his party?

- No, did you?

- No.

Have a great summer,

and well see y'all next fall.

Principal Raheem will see you boys now.

Sorry. Mrs. Cole said to come in.

Have a seat, boys.

I'm trying to finish something here.

Who the f*** told me this was easy?

Uh, Principal Raheem, what are you doing?

I'm playing a virtual reality game.

It's called Sh*t Swipe. It's very addicting.

You have to grab these little turds

and move them around so they match,

and it's really f***ing difficult.

No. No, no. What's happening? Move.

It's frozen!

F***!

Stupid sh*t of a game!

F***ing stupid sh*t of a f***ing game.

So, I hope you guys enjoyed

your stay in the States.

Did you get a chance to do some fun things?

Like going to Disneyland?

Yeah, we went.

Um, it was great.

A lot of kids, though.

And fat people.

Well, this is America, you know.

Did you go to any baseball games?

I didn't really know what was going on.

So I just cheered

when everyone else cheered.

So many fat people.

Yeah, but what about the ladies?

Did you get a chance

to experience any American girls?

No girls? Not even fat girls?

Nope.

I haven't had sex with one girl

since I've been here,

and I just know all my friends

are gonna just call me a "wankstain virgin"

when I get back.

You're a virgin, too, aren't you, Jack?

I don't think we need to talk about that.

So you're telling me that

we have two foreign boys

who are both virgins?

Oh, I shouldn't laugh because,

you know, it wasn't easy

for me either with the girls.

When I came from India,

I would only find work

as a street performer

on Hollywood Boulevard.

I would play Wolverine,

Michael Jackson, Frog Boy.

You know, anything to make a few bucks

until I got my big break

and I became a high school principal.

Then, poof, all hell broke loose.

I couldn't keep the girls away, like flies.

I said, "Back off, b*tches.

"Where were you

when I was Michael Jackson?"

Wait, how did anyone think

you were Michael Jackson?

And what's Frog Boy?

Wouldn't you like to know.

What I'm trying to say is that

if you can't get laid in America,

you can't get laid anywhere.

And if you're lucky like me,

you can go home to this every night.

Pretty sexy, eh?

I am watching you.

Don't get any ideas.

Shalonda is all mine.

And she is very good with her hands.

Anyway, enough of the cock teasing.

Here we go.

Here are your foreign exchange certificates,

and good luck to you, boys.

I hope I have been an inspiration.

Thank you.

Okay.

I hope you're de-virginized

when I see you next.

Send me a card.

Marsha, get that troublemaker Billy Franco

to come and take back his Sh*t Swipe game.

It's f***in' broken.

Dude, I gotta get laid tonight,

just, somehow.

Good luck.

Hiring a prostitute doesn't count.

I'm not going to hire a prostitute,

but you know what?

I'm not gonna rule anything out.

Jack?

Hey, Jack.

Hey. Hey, Kaylee.

Thank you so much for letting me

cheat off your test yesterday.

- I got a B.

- That's great.

Okay, well, see you, bro.

Uh, what are your plans for tonight?

Um, tonight's my last night in the States.

What? Oh, my God.

I can't believe it's your last night

and we never got to hang out.

I didn't think you knew I existed.

Yeah, you're that cute British kid.

I'm South African, but I could be British.

Well, Mr. South Africa,

are you going to Tucker's party tonight?

I want to go.

Oh, my God. You have to go.

We have to make your last night here

a night to remember.

What?

Let me see your phone.

Okay, there's my number.

Text me so we can meet up tonight?

- Maybe we can even...

- Have sex.

I mean, that's what I plan on doing tonight.

Get off me, and I hope

you're talking about someone else,

because we broke up, remember?

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