Laid in America Page #2

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Whatever, you'll come back.

- They always come back.

- Definitely not.

You look like you're 12 years old,

you know that?

- Okay.

- Why don't you lift something, bro?

Your arms look like ramen noodles.

I could slurp you.

Tucker, stop.

You wanna go, bro?

Saved by the bell.

Little b*tch.

Hey, would you at least walk me to class,

just one more time, please?

Come on.

Okay, fine. But don't put your arm

around me.

I wasn't going to. Don't yell at me.

- See you tonight, Jack.

- I'll put it in my schedule.

F*** you, Jack.

My sweet, sweet Kaylee.

What?

Nothing.

# Just leave me alone

# Meow

# In the dark, I wanna cringe

# I miss you so much

# In the dark, I wanna #

Oh...

F***.

That song was dedicated to

my cat, Sprinkles.

She was my best friend.

Okay, let's hear

what you're passionate about

with your final performance.

Duncan, you're up first.

Go get 'em.

Um, my final song is called,

F*** What My Friends Say,

I'm Good at FIFA.

# It's FIFA time

So I'ma make you all my b*tch

# So shut the f*** up

Or I'll put you in a ditch

# I play online, I win online

That's how I roll

# 'Cause I never lose a game

You think I suck? Hell, no

# I got a big dick

I know you're f***ing jealous

# I'm a FIFA don, like in Goodfellas

# Haters getting mad

# But I'm the one with lows

# So if you're hating

You can go and suck my balls #

Stop.

Duncan, I really want you

to hit that note right there.

You're at the climax of the chorus

and everyone needs to feel that passion.

So do it again.

At the balls?

The balls.

# To all my haters

You can go and suck my balls

# Suck my balls

Like that.

- You want me to sing it?

- Yes.

# Suck my balls

# Suck my balls, suck my balls

# Suck my balls #

You did it.

Bring it in, homie.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Everyone, give it up for Duncan.

A plus, plus, plus. Whoo!

And that, everyone, is how

you take direction

and turn it into perfection.

Now, another song about

one of my other cats, Chip.

Yo, your pitch was a little off,

but the song was pretty sick, I guess.

- Thanks, man.

- Shut up.

Duncan.

Hey, Tucker.

Can Jack and I come to your party tonight?

No, f*** no, all right?

My place is gonna be crawling with hotties.

I don't need two foreign losers

coming and killing the vibe.

So shut up and turn around.

Duncan.

Hey, Tucker?

What?

It's our last night, man.

And it would really mean a lot.

Besides, I'm really trying to get laid.

All right, look, the only way

you guys are getting into my party

is if you bring two girls with you.

Okay.

Hot girls.

Okay.

And not from this school, all right?

I wanna meet some new baes.

Okay.

Make sure they're hot

or you're not getting in.

They're gonna be so f***ing hot.

Why would you promise Tucker

we could bring two hot girls?

Because that's the only way

we're getting into his party tonight.

But we don't know any girls,

especially hot ones.

Yo, I just got you past the VIP list

so you can see Kaylee tonight, all right?

The least you can say is, "Thank you."

But if I arrive at the party

with another girl,

there's no way Kaylee's gonna talk to me.

Listen to me, okay?

If you want to have any chance

of seeing your lover tonight

and getting laid,

then you need to help me find

hot girls for this party.

Then, once we're inside,

you can go and see Kaylee.

Come on, bro, do you want to remember this

as the night

that you went to bed at 9:00 p.m.

or the night that you went after Kaylee?

Fine. I'm in.

Yes, my nigga.

Beth, your parents found

this disturbing drawing in your room,

and it concerns me.

Do you want to explain this?

That's me burning my entire house

with everything inside it,

including my parents.

That's what we're talking about.

My wife gave birth to a little demon.

Oh, now this is my fault?

Let's just try to focus on the positives.

As horrific as this image is,

your daughter is a pretty talented artist,

and you should encourage her

to explore her abilities.

She drew a picture of herself murdering us.

Maybe you should've gotten me that iPad

for my birthday.

Uh, Beth, blackmailing your parents

with death threats is not appropriate.

Ugh, nobody gets me!

Why do you have to talk to her like that?

I enjoy it.

Boys.

How does it feel to be done

with high school?

It pretty much feels the same.

Lisa and I would like to take you to Chef

Nelson's Crab Shack tonight for dinner.

Well, and Beth, too.

- Yeah, you shouldn't leave her alone.

- What?

- Uh...

- We...

We kinda have a party tonight.

Oh, my God.

Did you get invited

to Tucker's YouTube party?

Yeah.

Wait, how do you know about that?

Oh, yeah, well, you know,

me and some of the moms,

we have a FaceChat group at the school

where we get together and chat and gossip.

So, Jack, there's a rumor going around that

you have a thing for that Kaylee girl?

Wait. People know I like her?

Oh, my God, yes.

We talk about it all the time.

Ben's mom, Jill's mom,

they're kind of obsessed with you.

You're, like, their favorite couple.

We're, like, rooting for you.

Actually, it is pretty obvious, dude.

Yeah.

Well, you can go to dinner

tonight before, right?

Come on, it's Chef Nelson's.

Best octopus and eight-course meals.

Oh, my God, honey,

they don't wanna eat your stupid octopus.

They've got a huge party tonight

to get ready for.

Tonight's kind of a big night

for you guys, huh?

All right, go do your thing.

- All right.

- Thank you.

But you know what? You have early flights

in the morning, so don't stay out too late.

We won't.

Those are some good boys.

They're just the best.

All my friends f***ed girls

when they studied here,

I'm gonna be the p*ssy of the group.

Oh, man. We gotta find some girls, man.

Why don't you ask Tabitha

to come to the party?

She totally wants your willy.

Tabitha is a complete BLOB.

What's a BLOB?

You know the girl that

you'd never have sex with,

but when the night is coming to an end

and you run out of options,

you start to consider her,

and God, pretty much it's a...

Basic Last Option Bae. BLOB.

You've never had sex.

Yeah, but I've thought about it,

and, oh, no, no, she's definitely a BLOB.

Kaylee gave me her number today.

How long do you think I should wait

before I text her?

I don't know, three hours?

Too late, I already sent it.

Well, let's pretend Kaylee doesn't exist

for two seconds.

Where would you go to find hot girls?

I told you, why don't you bring

the BLOB and one of her friends?

But Tucker said they can't be

from our school, remember?

How are we supposed to do that?

It's your brother.

- What's up, nigga?

- Freddie, my nigga.

- Will you look at this nigga?

- What the f*** are you doing?

Whoa! You can't say that, bro.

I'm really sorry about that.

That came out racist.

- I'm not racist.

- Jesus f***ing Christ.

I have black friends.

I'm picking you up from the airport tomorrow

'cause Mom and Dad are busy.

All right, that's great,

but something more important has come up.

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