Laid in America Page #3

---

Pretty much, we need to find hot girls

for this party tonight.

Got any ideas?

Looks like the virgin needs help

from his younger brother.

You wish I was a virgin,

'cause then I'd f*** you

and lose my virginity, b*tch.

What?

I'm two years younger than you

and I've already had sex with three girls.

Where did you meet these girls?

I used this new blind dating app

called Blindr.

A blind dating app?

That just sounds stupid, Freddie.

Check it out. I just sent you a link.

Having trouble meeting girls?

Do you do better with girls

when they don't know what you look like?

Then Blindr is just what you need.

It's so simple.

Just enter your information

into your profile

and start blinding away.

- With its new patented...

- Pretty sick, right?

Shut up, Freddie! I can't hear.

Here's what a real-life couple

has to say about Blindr.

Before, girls wouldn't even look at me.

But now, with Blindr,

I let my personality shine through

and I found my soulmate.

It's true.

I wouldn't have even talked to

a guy like Lance several months ago.

I mean, look at him.

But thanks to Blindr,

I've been seduced by his mind.

Thanks, Blindr.

We can do this.

You can even use our double date option

to score a double blind date.

Yes.

Download the app for free and get blinding.

Because you know what they say,

true love is blind.

- Sorry, Freddie, gotta go.

- Uh...

This is perfect. Let's do it.

I'm not into meeting people online.

That's creepy.

Come on, man,

that's how everyone meets people nowadays.

Besides, we're not

actually dating these girls.

We're just gonna

take them to the party with us,

and then we're in.

Come on, Jack.

If you're not feeling it once we get there,

then we can easily just leave.

It's Kaylee.

"Hey, Jack, what time

are you going to the party tonight?"

Why don't you tell her,

"Sorry, I can't make it tonight

"because I'm too much of a p*ssy

"to go meet some girls

on a blind dating app."

- Let's do it.

- Yes! Yes!

Downloading now.

Okay.

Yeah, it takes a while.

Okay, we're in.

All right, double date and name.

Duncan and Jack.

No, we can't use our real names.

Why not? We're leaving

the country tomorrow.

People can stalk you.

Okay, fine, I'm keeping my name.

What do you want your name to be?

Thor.

I've always wanted lo be called Thor.

Thor is a pretty f***ing cool name.

All right, I am changing mine as well.

I told you.

Petrie.

- Petrie?

- Petrie and Thor it is.

- Nice.

- Okay, income.

What's the highest you can put?

Uh...

- Over $500,000 a year.

- Put that.

The more money we appear to have,

the hotter girls we'll get.

Jack, this is why I love you.

Oh, my God.

Thor and Petrie, high rollers.

There is no way we're not gonna land

the hottest girls on Blindr

with this description.

It's... It's foolproof.

Let's start swiping now.

Yes, yes, yes, yes...

So, what are you looking for

when you say yes?

Pretty much, it's just a numbers game.

Yes, yes, yes. No one ever says no...

It's a match.

We got a match!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, what does their description say?

Uh, Amber and Violet,

two hot girls that will rock your world.

- This is amazing.

- New message.

Oh, my God! They...

Oh, my God. They messaged us.

"You seem like

just the guys we are looking for.

"Can you meet us for dinner tonight?"

New picture message.

Holy sh*t!

They're hot. Look.

Tell them yes! Tell them yes!

Uh, yes. Where at and what time?

I can't believe this is working.

New message.

"Michael J's Diner in 30 minutes."

I have no idea where that is.

Yeah. See you there.

Wait, now that they think we're rich,

what are we gonna wear?

Rich people don't wear this.

Don't worry, I've got us covered.

Wait. How are we gonna get there?

- Shall I call an Uber?

- No, we'll call a Boober.

Your outfits are pretty cool.

Why didn't you think of Boober

when we were thinking of ideas?

I've never used it before.

I didn't know it was like this.

Hey, would you two fine ladies

want to go to a party tonight?

Sorry, we're not allowed to

go anywhere with customers.

I mean, it's only for a couple of minutes,

and then you can just leave.

They're not interested.

And no filming inside the Boober.

Maybe that's the one that goes viral.

You never know.

That's why you always gotta be filming.

Here are your complimentary

Boober condoms.

Have you guys ever tried

ultra-thin condoms before?

We've never had sex before.

What my friend means is that

we've had plenty of sex.

It's just... We don't like using condoms.

Okay, condoms prevent 99% of STDs.

- Give me one.

- I'll look after these, you'll lose yours.

Good idea.

- Michael J's Diner, right?

- Yeah.

- All right, we're here.

- Thanks for riding with Boober!

Michael J's Diner, where dreams come true.

Are we sure we're in the right place?

Yeah, I'm not sure about anything any more.

Are you Thor and Petrie?

Hello.

Hi, I'm Thor.

Oh...

- And I'm Petrie.

- Oh...

Hi, I'm Amber.

So, Thur and Petrie?

Those names sound kinda fake.

I'm f***ing with you.

I want to apologize for my friend Violet,

she's running a bit late.

But, I promise, as soon as she gets here...

...you guys are gonna love her.

She's, like, really hot.

I'm sure she's not as beautiful as you.

Petrie, you are such a sweetheart.

- So, tell me... Oh...

- You're such a...

- You go ahead.

- Oh, no. Please, you go.

You're such a sweetheart, too.

Aw, thank you.

So tell me about yourselves.

Um, well, I'm from the British

royal family, adopted,

and I'm here for

a really important business meeting.

What kind of business?

Oil.

And what do you do at oil?

I'm the president.

I thought only Arabs were into oil.

- I'm f***ing with you again.

- Stop that.

Y'all need to relax, okay? Shake it off.

So, what about you, Thor? What do you do?

I own a video games company.

- Make video games.

- Oh, that's hot.

Uh, but it's ironic

because he sucks at video games.

No, I don't.

Dude, I destroy you at every video game.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks, okay?

Be right back.

So, clearly, Amber is mine.

But you can have her friend

when she shows up.

I'm not sleeping with

any of these girls tonight.

I'm a faithful man.

Fine, I'll f*** both of them. Threesome.

You haven't had sex with a girl in 18 years.

What makes you think tonight

you're gonna f*** two?

Oh...

I think she's on the phone

to her friend right now.

Yeah, it's perfect.

They're a couple of rich losers.

You got the car running?

Great, this shouldn't take long.

Yeah? 20 million? No, I want 30.

I know the freaking Queen, okay?

That sounds great.

Deal. I gotta go. See you in a bit.

Sorry, I had a really

important business call.

It sounded important.

Here you go.

What should we toast to?

Let's toast to you and Violet

going to a party tonight,

with us, after dinner.

Is that an invite?

Y... Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes