Laid in America Page #4

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What do you think, girl, you wanna go?

Mmm, I don't know. What do you think?

I don't know.

We would love to come.

To a great night.

To a great night.

Come on. Up, up, up, up, up, up.

Mmm-mmm.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yeah.

That's really good.

I drank way more than you.

Yo, this is f***ed.

Uh-oh!

Night-night.

Why aren't they waking up?

I don't know, Goose. They're your drugs.

You used the right amount?

Yeah, I used exactly how much

you told me to.

'Cause the last time I used this drug,

they weren't passed out for this long.

Okay.

Are you sure they're rich?

Yeah, their profiles said they were.

One of them's

president of an oil company, so...

No, they look like

they're from high school, you know.

This one looks like

he has no hair down below, you know.

This soft white guy with a tight cheek.

Very tight cheek, don't you?

Yeah, you do.

Hey, little boy, how are you?

This black guy right here

wants to play games

with Daddy, huh? For me.

Are they even alive?

Shh...

That seemed to work. Yeah.

Duncan?

Okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Shut the f*** up. Okay?

What do you want from us?

All right. Listen here, little boy, okay?

I'm gonna be asking the questions and you

guys are gonna be giving the answers.

Jung-Hoon! Can you keep it down?

I'm trying to watch Ellen.

Mom, I'm busy, okay? Stop interrupting us.

Okay, sweetheart. I love you.

I love you, too.

Amber tells me that you guys are rich, huh?

No, we're not rich at all.

Oh, you're not rich at all?

Then how come I got this off your neck,

giant talking black homeboy?

Drinking the juice in the hood, yeah?

F***, man, that's fake.

Sh*t, man, we're poor as sh*t.

Man, we're still in high school.

Liars, you told me

you're president of an oil company

and you said you create video games.

We made that up to impress you.

Amber, you dumb-dumb. You're a dumb-dumb.

Baby, they're lying.

You saw them, they pulled up

in some fancy-ass limo

at the restaurant, right?

You betrayed us, Amber. How could you?

And where the f*** is Violet, huh?

Does she even exist?

This is what happens

when you send a woman to do a man's job.

You know what I'm saying?

A man? Oh, yeah, you think you're a man?

Yeah, a man doesn't send

his girlfriend of three years

to go kidnap some kids

because he is too much of a p*ssy

to do it himself.

Excuse me for a moment.

I'll be right back.

What are you doing?

Yeah, I don't know. What am I doing?

Okay, I'm wasting my life with some

out-of-shape, wannabe-gangster loser.

The reason why

I'm out of shape is I'm out there,

trying to provide for you, okay?

I don't have time to go

to the gym, all right?

I'm genetically fat.

F*** you, Goose. You don't provide sh*t.

You're 37, and you still

live at home with your mom.

Honey, dinner's ready.

I'm not hungry, Mom.

Are you sure? I made kimchi stir-fry.

Your favorite.

Oh, you did?

- Help us.

- Don't say another f***ing word.

Mama, what are you doing down here?

Oh, honey, I didn't know

you had friends over.

How rude of me.

Your friends should join us for dinner.

No, thanks, Mom,

because we're rehearsing

with our new boy band

and the black guy is the lead singer.

He is very good.

I'm tired of always eating alone.

What if I die tomorrow?

Then you will feel guilty

for the rest of your life.

If you and your friends

don't join me for dinner,

you're going to have to start paying rent.

You guys hungry?

You scared?

You boys will love

my famous kimchi stir-fry.

Thank you, Mrs. Pak.

Sure, dig in.

Mmm. Yum...

Who's Kaylee?

She keeps texting one of you guys.

It's really beginning to piss me off.

You leave her out of this.

Oh...

- How do you boys know Jung-Hoon?

- Yeah.

I mean, Goose.

Goose, Goose.

Mom, I'm creating a new app

and these guys are my new investors.

Oh, I didn't Know you were

working on a new app.

What is this one about?

It shows the nearest street corner

where you can get drugs from.

It's called Dealer.

There's nothing out there like it.

Supposedly, it's gonna

make us millionaires, so...

If you need money, just sell your watch.

It's a piece of junk anyway.

Mom, this watch give me

major street credibility, okay?

I cannot create an app

without street cred, okay, Ma?

You know what?

This Dealer app of yours,

it sounds a bit shady.

How is it legal to assist

in the purchasing of drugs?

There's nothing illegal about it, okay?

Amber did research, okay?

Everything is good.

- I googled.

- She googled.

Well, can't the police just use that

to find drug dealers?

That's not how it work, okay?

Hey, why so many questions?

Well, if I'm going to be

an "investor" in your app,

then, surely, I need to make sure

it's worth my money.

Oh, you getting aggressive, I like it.

Shut up, Duncan.

I like this white boy.

He's soft like Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone.

Do the... Oh!

Hey...

I'm not gay,

but I'd do you.

You always say that.

You tell a guy you'd f*** him,

but that you're not gay.

I know. I'm not gay, it's experimental.

Oh, hey, look, Kaylee calling.

Hey, Britain, you don't think

I can do a British accent?

- I show you.

- Oh, great.

I practice, ha. Wait.

Hello. Oh.

Jack, I texted you the address.

1212 Rose Avenue.

Let me check. Yeah, I got it.

Kaylee.

Okay. Cool.

I can't wait for you to see

what I'm wearing tonight.

I think you'll like it.

Oh, that sounds bloody great. Cheers.

And one last thing.

Kaylee, go f*** yourself, you b*tch.

- What?

- How could you say that?

Oh, you gonna cry?

Huh?

Hey, Mom, I have

to cut dinner a little short.

I have some business to take care of.

Okay.

Hey, black guy, fudgy face.

Stand up, you coming with me.

Stand up!

- He means you.

- Get up.

Don't cry, Twilight vampire.

Remember Twilight?

The vampire. White guy like that.

Get in there.

Little b*tch.

Listen up, jackass, okay?

You gonna put in

your PIN number at the ATM.

I'm gonna pull out the money,

and then you're gonna act like

there's nothing wrong.

Good plan, right?

Do not f*** this up.

Dude, you're gonna love

this Pineapple Kush, man.

Is it gonna give me the best high?

Last time I smoked this,

I watched conspiracy videos online

for, like, six hours straight.

Awesome.

Here. Thanks for shopping

at Weed-N-Munchies, dude.

See ya.

- Hey, welcome to Weed-N-Munchies.

- Okay, whatever.

Welcome to Weed-N-Munchies.

F***.

Hurry up, man. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hurry up. Do it.

Come on, guys, let's move it along.

- Oh, sh*t.

- What's goin' on?

Let's go, buddy.

Who doesn't know their f***ing PIN?

I'm sorry. I'm under

a bit of pressure at the moment.

Would you guys quit butt-f***ing around?

I have a Blindr date. She's 420-friendly.

Oh, somebody wants to f*** or something.

Shut up.

- Are you crying?

- No.

You sound like a p*ssy teenager.

I am a teenager.

Look, we're not gonna hurt you, okay?

As soon as Goose gets the money,

we're gonna let you guys go, so suck it up.

I should never have told Duncan

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