Laid in America Page #5

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to lie about us being rich.

Are you guys seriously not rich?

No, I'm just an

unemployed high school student

who's scared to talk to girls.

And now I'm never gonna see Kaylee again.

She thinks I called her a f***ing b*tch.

Hey, Heather. I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm behind these two fucktards at the ATM.

- What the f***?

- Who can't get their sh*t together.

Motherf***er.

- And it's done.

- Yes. Okay.

I think these morons finally got it right.

I gotta go. I'll see you soon.

Hey, Bigfoot, I think your ATM is broken.

It says it has a $500 limit.

Dude, $500 is all

you can take out of that thing.

We live in America, right?

Have you ever used

an ATM before, dumb-ass?

You have a problemo, amigo, huh, with me?

Oh, you wanna go, Jackie Chan?

Hey, there's an old saying,

"You wake up the sleeping dragon,

"he might have sex with your face."

Oh, calm down, guys, calm down.

Dude, I just rolled this fat, sick joint.

Let's smoke it, chill out,

have fun, be friends.

F***!

That's what happens

when you f*** with me, Goose.

She's the most beautiful girl

in the whole world.

Every time I see her, I get butterflies.

Aw...

That is so sweet.

I remember when Goose used to

say stuff like that about me.

But now all he thinks about is himself.

Why are you still with him? He's so mean.

I know, right?

I don't know, he didn't used to

always be like this,

like, he used to be more charming.

He would bring me flowers

when I was at work.

He would f*** me real hard and good.

We would have dinner in public,

you know what I mean?

Like, normal stuff.

I still don't think

you should be with Goose.

You can do a lot better.

Thank you.

You know what?

When Goose gets back,

I'm gonna get your phone

and I'm gonna call Kaylee,

and I'm gonna tell her

you did not called her a f***ing b*tch.

- You would do that?

- Yes.

You guys are sweet boys, aren't you?

- F*** you.

- Why would you do that?

What the hell? I just rescued you, b*tch.

You idiot! She was gonna call Kaylee for me.

Well, I've stolen Goose's car,

so we need to leave now.

What the f***? What the f***?

Where's Goose?

Goose got in a fight with a crazy guy

and got knocked the f*** out.

He's gonna f***ing kill us.

Oh, my God. Not if he can't catch us.

That's why we need to move

and get in the car now.

Yo, what's up, people?

Check out my new pimp ride.

And in shotgun, we got Jack, the p*ssy.

What are you doing?

Dude, relax.

Watch where you're going,

and I don't wanna be in your stupid vlog.

Dude, I saved us both.

The least you can say is, "Thank you."

You stole a drug dealer's car.

That's not all I stole. Pah!

Why did you take that?

Wait, let me think. Because, uh...

F*** him.

Great reasoning.

Did you at least get our phones?

Oh, sh*t.

Let me get this straight.

You made a conscious effort

to steal a drug dealers car and watch,

but you didn't think to get our phones?

Oh, Jack, come on, I had a lot on my mind.

F***! We have no phones, no girls,

and no way of getting to this party.

- I don't feel so well.

- Wait, what do you mean?

Pull over. I'm gonna hurl.

Oh, f***ing hell, Jack.

Yo, don't be too long,

you know this car is stolen.

Yo, space 'em out, Toph.

It's gotta look fresh, bro.

Bro, it's gonna look fresh.

All right. Yo, look at me.

No time for mistakes, okay?

Fourth quarter. Game's on the line.

All right? Peeps gonna be

showing up any minute now.

You think Kaylee's

gonna take you back tonight?

Toph, what kinda question is that, man?

Look at me, of course she is.

Plus, I only cheated on her,

like, what, three or four times?

And one of them was an HJ,

so barely counts.

Dude, I remember that.

Didn't she almost rip your dick off?

Yeah. Yeah, she did.

Jackhammer Jillian.

She was like... I was like...

B*tch was crazy.

I remember the pictures you sent me.

You got a big-ass dick. I'm kinda jealous.

Yeah, I do. I got a huge dick, Toph.

- You should be jealous.

- I'm actually really jealous.

Yeah. Well.

Thank God my dick's all healed up now.

- Take me to 307 Butler.

- Who the f*** are you?

Aren't you my Uber driver?

No, I am not your Uber driver.

Well, sh*t, can't you just take me?

I've been waiting here 20 minutes

on my damn ride.

You know what? I think I'm good.

I've already got one guy trying to kill me.

Come on, man. I'll give you 5 bucks.

F*** no.

20?

Oh, God.

Who is this creepy guy?

I'm not creepy,

but I am fixing to go to

this killer party right now.

Will there be girls at this party?

Oh, yeah.

There'll be tons of vagina there.

Every bone in my body is telling me

that this is a bad idea.

Jack.

I know this guy might look like a...

Creepy pedophile, but he may be our ticket

to Tucker's party.

Come on, man. Let's go.

We're missing all the fun.

Trust me.

If it's weird, we're leaving.

Dude, come on, it's not gonna be weird.

Okay, it's weird.

Password?

Nipple f***.

Welcome to the Pleasure Palace.

Please, come in.

Ooh, the Pleasure Palace.

You guys don't have too much fun tonight.

The King will see you now.

Yeah, this might've been a bad idea.

I'd rather be with Goose.

Do y'all know who I am?

Uh...

My name is King Pleasure.

And y'all two boys are right on time,

'cause the festivities have just begun.

Silence!

You're scaring Lazarus.

Now y'all two boys be still,

and let Lazarus here inspect you.

So, tell me, how do you like this song?

This song is appropriate for the moment.

Well, just as I suspected.

Lazarus has found you both to be virgins.

No.

The girls waiting for you love virgins.

Well,

you boys ready to get laid?

My father built this place

back in the year 1989.

That was just before

he suffered a terrible accident.

He was the first man ever

to be eaten alive by an otter.

Not a pretty sight.

You boys turned out sexier

than I could've ever hoped.

Your safe word is "Jumanji."

Now, of course, as the oldest boy,

it was my responsibility

to avenge my father's death.

So I tracked that otter for two months

through the swamps of Louisiana.

And when I found him, well, let's just say

we both knew only one of us

was leaving those swamps alive.

Your safe word is "Yes."

Enjoy.

Hey, sweet thing.

Won't you come over here

and let Mama give you a massage?

I guess a massage sounds nice.

Yes, so I've been coming here

for about three years,

it's really good for business.

There's just something

about screwing strangers

that just really turns me on,

you know what I mean?

Usually, I have a room that has a peep hole

so that everybody can watch,

'cause people wanna watch,

you know what I mean?

And, one time, I was here with four old men,

and when I say old, I mean really old,

like, ages 75 to 80.

And I was afraid that

they wouldn't be able to get it up,

but I totally got them up.

So.

- Do you wanna f*** me?

- Yes.

Cool.

Oh, you are such a baby. How old are you?

Eighteen.

Mmm. Old enough.

You like Mama's massage?

That feels good.

You're very strong.

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