Laid in America Page #6

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Do you want a happy ending?

Do you want me to stop?

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Sounds like your friend is having fun.

I love you.

I was yelling the safe word.

Why didn't you stop?

Jack?

What the f***? Frog Boy?

Frog Boy.

Are you ready?

Yes.

This is how we Brits do it in America.

Duncan, we gotta go!

Jack, not now!

I just got a massage from Principal Raheem!

We have to leave now!

I'm gonna let you two figure this out.

How could you, Jack?

I was finally about to gel laid,

and you ruin it by being

a f***in' huge cockblock!

I can't take you seriously with that boner.

If your friend wants to join,

I love threesomes.

We are not having a threesome.

Literally, all you had to do

was wait two minutes,

and I would've had

the greatest night of my life.

The greatest night of my life, bro.

Really? The greatest night of your life?

Are you on drugs?

Get it off! Get it off!

Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t!

What is that? Is that lube?

She's not responding!

F***! Oh, God, Leslie, don't die on me!

You're too young and beautiful!

Police. Open up.

Stop your f***ing immediately.

Up against the wall.

Spread it. Give me that!

Oh, we need to get the f*** out of here.

Sh*t! The car's blocked in!

They're gonna think we killed her.

We're gonna go to jail.

I'm gonna lose my virginity

to a bunch of big, black, hairy dudes,

and they're gonna f*** me in the ass, bro.

They're gonna bend me over

and f*** my tight little ass,

and there's nothing I can do about it!

I'm just gonna...

What the f*** are you doing?

- I'm getting out of here!

- You can't just f***ing take her car!

You can't just leave her here!

Are you coming or not?

Ugh, fine!

Which one is it?

Oh, for f***'s sake.

Would you stop pulling so hard on my ribs?

What the hell am I supposed to do?

You're literally taking up all the space.

Why don't you just get off

and let me go to this party by myself?

Ever since Kaylee pretended to like you,

you've just become such an a**hole.

Get off.

- I'm not getting off.

- Get off!

- No!

- Fine, then I'll get off.

Oh, just walk away, you p*ssy.

You know what?

Today would've been a pretty good day

if you didn't take me

on that stupid blind date with you.

You wanted to go on that blind date

just as much as me,

so you could see your precious Kaylee.

Things with Kaylee would've been just fine

if you would've taken

our phones back from Goose,

or not have knocked out Amber.

And on top of that, you took us

to that stupid f***ing sex party

where I was molested by Principal Raheem.

You know I could've easily

gone to the party by myself?

But, hey, I was trying to be a good friend

by talking to Tucker

so you could come with me.

A good friend?

- You think you're a good friend?

- Yeah.

You're the most selfish person

I've ever met!

Selfish.

You're calling me selfish?

All you've wanted to do the whole day

is meet up with some girl

that barely even knows your f***ing name.

- F*** you, Jack.

- F*** you, Duncan.

I'm finding away in.

I'm glad this is gonna be the last night

we're gonna be together.

So am I.

Have fun banging the BLOB.

I'm sure you'll need a condom.

The f*** happened to you?

- Me?

- Yeah.

I was attacked and my car was stolen.

What happened to the little guy?

The one you let get away knocked me out.

I woke up, I don't know

where the f*** they are.

Holy f***!

Okay, how about

don't get robbed by a teenager?

Okay? How about that?

And that little f***er, he stole my watch.

I'm gonna kill him. They're both gonna die.

I am gonna pull my gun on black guy.

Twilight... Dead.

Who cares about

your stupid f***ing watch, okay?

What about your girlfriend, huh?

You know what, Goose? I'm done.

I'm done.

Oh, no, no, no, baby, don't leave me.

You know it's hard to find a white girl

that likes an Asian guy.

Come on. I love you so much, baby.

You're the love of my life. I love you.

For real?

Yeah, you know, sometimes

I know I'm not a good boyfriend,

but I do everything I can

to provide for my lady, you know.

You're my pookie bear.

Who my pookie bear?

I your pookie bear. Me.

You my pookie bear.

Okay, well, then kiss me if you mean it.

Oh, yeah? You want me to kiss you, baby?

Oh, my God, you will?

The party.

- Oh...

- Are you f***ing serious?

The party. The party. The party.

Mom, change of plans.

You gonna drop us off at 1212 Rose Avenue.

Oh, us? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, honey.

You know what, Goose?

You and I are over.

Stick your two-inch dick in someone else.

Don't leave me, pookie bear.

It's not two inches, it's three. Hard.

Damn it!

What the f*** you want, bro?

I'm here for Tucker's party.

- Are you on the list?

- Yeah.

What's your first name?

Uh, Duncan.

Oh, yeah, Duncan.

Yeah, you're not on the f***in' list.

What up, biatch?

Where are the girls?

And where the f*** are your clothes?

Tucker, I tried so hard.

First of all, we met up

with this really hot girl,

and she was supposed to bring

her really hot friend,

but then we got kidnapped by her boyfriend.

But luckily, we managed to escape.

Then we went to this crazy place

called the Pleasure Palace.

There was a king, and there was a midget,

and then I found this other hot girl,

and I was gonna bring her to the party,

but then she OD'd on coke.

Coke, man. Coke.

So I had to Segway

from there all the way to here.

Pretty much what I am trying to say is that

I tried so, so hard to get here,

and it would mean the world

if you could just let me in

and have some fun...

F***!

Dude. You can't come in.

Are you sure we can't make

an, uh, arrangement?

Yeah. I'm gonna need some clothes, too.

Let's go, f***ing little b*tches,

no more dudes.

Dude, are you okay? F*** you, Topher.

Oh, yeah, you guys can still

f*** each other tonight.

- Aw, like we're gonna f*** each other.

- Yeah, we wouldn't do that, right?

Hey, Mr. Pickles, I'm coming.

Why's this door so hard to open?

Open, you piece of sh*t.

Mr. Pickles, are you ready

for your big moment, buddy?

Everyone's excited to see you.

Where are you, man?

What are you doing under the bed,

you little silly-willy?

What... No. No!

Oh, my God!

Who did this to you, Mr. Pickles?

What's wrong, Tucker?

Mr. Pickles was murdered! He's dead!

Don't worry, we'll find

the motherf***er who did this

and make them pay.

- Hold me.

- I'm here for you, man.

Damn.

The things I would do

to have one night with one of those girls.

The trick with girls is

you need to insult them.

Bring their self-esteem down,

and then go in for the kill.

Does that really work?

Yeah. This book I'm reading

has a whole chapter on it.

It also says, "Lowering the quality

raises the quantity."

Take her, for example.

That's the kind of girl we need to find.

The BLOB. Not her.

Not yet.

Them.

That color doesn't look good on you.

Excuse me?

And are you texting her

how much of a slut you are?

Seriously? That's your pickup line?

You guys are creeps.

And f*** you, Chocolate Rain.

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