Laid in America Page #7

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Great advice, man.

And he's just, like, under my bed, dead.

I'm like, "Are you alive?"

He doesn't say anything

'cause he's dead, you know?

Look, you don't get it, okay?

Mr. Pickles was my best friend.

He's all I had.

He's all I ever had, and now he's dead.

And is it supposed to be okay?

No. I'm sad, okay?

Just tell her the truth.

Everything is gonna be fine.

Kaylee.

What the hell do you want?

I thought we were, you know,

gonna hang out a bit tonight.

Well, yeah, I wanted to

until you called me a f***ing b*tch.

Funny thing is, that wasn't me.

I was actually kidnapped earlier today.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That guy you spoke to on the phone,

that's the guy who kidnapped me.

His name is Goose.

- Goose?

- Yeah.

Okay.

Calling me a b*tch is one thing.

But lying straight to my face?

And I thought you were one of the nice guys.

Stop the car! Stop! Stop, Mama, stop.

God damn.

Those two little shits

don't know what's coming to them.

Mama?

Yes?

Do you believe in me?

Ever since you were a little baby,

I knew you would be special.

You can do what you put your mind to.

I am gonna make you proud, Mama.

But make it fast

so I can see the end of my show.

- Okay, you'll watch your show.

- Yes, yes.

Those two little motherfuckers are dead.

That's right. Right. That's my son.

Yes.

My son.

All right, you little horny freaks,

stop grinding on each other for two seconds,

'cause I know we've been waiting all night

for the big surprise,

but wait no longer,

'cause right here, on stage,

performing his first ever original rap song,

the daddy of Mr. Pickles,

Mr. 10 Million Subscribers,

give it up, Tucker f***ing Jones.

Check it out, check it out,

check it out, check it out. Oh, yeah.

F*** me, Tucker!

Yo, this song right here

is dedicated to my cat, Mr. Pickles.

I found him murdered in my room earlier.

No!

But you know what? It's all good.

We got Topher

checking the security cameras,

- and we're gonna find that motherf***er.

- Yeah.

And we're gonna make him pay.

Play that sh*t.

# Yo!

# Tucker Jones on the mic, uh, yeah

# Back when I was 16

Captain of the football team

# Nothing could stop me

Until I hurt my knee

# Doc said I'd never play again, but I did

# I got tiger blood in me

# I'm here to win, biatch #

Kaylee, can I talk to you for a few seconds?

Can you give me, like, two minutes?

- What now?

- I really like you.

And I went through a lot of trouble

to see you here tonight.

Every time I see you, I get butterflies.

And I've never felt like that

before with someone.

I've had bad experiences

with people that lie. So...

# To all my haters, you can suck my balls

# To all my haters, you can suck my balls

# You can suck my balls

# To all my haters, you can suck my balls

# You can suck my balls

# You can suck my balls

That f***er stole my song!

# Sucky, sucky, sucky, suck my balls #

Can we go talk outside?

It's really loud in here.

- Uh, no, thanks, I'm good.

- Please?

Leave me alone.

Just let me go.

- Stop!

- Yo, stop the music, man.

Oh, no.

Tucker!

Yo, why did you

have your hands on her, bro?

And why the f*** are you wearing my jersey?

Leave him alone. I can handle this myself.

Yo, no one touches her except me, okay?

We broke up. I can do whatever I want.

Why don't you shut up, b*tch?

Ooh...

She's not a b*tch.

You're a b*tch.

Oh, sh*t.

- What did you just say?

- I said, you're a b*tch.

You were dating the most beautiful girl

in the whole world

and you treated her like sh*t.

- Yeah, so?

- You're an a**hole.

She deserves someone better.

What? Someone like you?

Yes. Someone like me.

Yo, Tucker.

- It was him. He killed Mr. Pickles.

- What?

- No, I didn't.

- Oh, yeah, you did.

- We caught it on camera, too.

- Oh, no.

Oh...

Mr. Pickles?

What are you doing under the bed,

you little silly-willy?

Mr. Pickles, oh, my God!

Mr. Pickles has been murdered!

Hold me!

Yo, I'm gonna kick your f***in' ass, bro.

Freeze!

Nobody move!

All you kids having a good time, huh?

You drinking, having sex with each other.

Chuk, chuck. Okay?

And this guy singing.

Gay guy, "Oh, suck my ball, suck the ball."

No, thank you, I'm not gay,

but maybe tonight, okay?

Now, back away!

I have unfinished business

with my little cutie-pie right here.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Where's my car?

It's at the Pleasure Palace.

What the f*** is a Pleasure Palace?

It's where they have sex,

and there's a beaver and a midget.

Ooh, I love beaver-midget sex.

It get me hard, you know what I mean?

Give me my keys and my watch.

I don't have them.

And where's your black friend?

The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?

I don't know.

Hey, you Asian b*tch,

you can't just come into my party

with a f***ing gun,

acting like you own the place.

You need to f***in' leave.

Look at this big guy talking to me, huh?

You think you're Superman

'cause you look like Brandon Routh?

I have HRS, Hidden Retard Strength.

I will f*** you!

Yeah, I wanna f*** you,

I wanna f*** you bad, bro.

I'm f***ing loco.

Oh!

Whoo!

Oh, I'm gonna f***in' enjoy this sh*t.

That was awesome!

Party's back on.

Sh*t, Tucker, wake up, dude.

Tucker? You just got knocked out, dude.

Who was that guy? He was gonna kill you.

That's the guy who kidnapped us.

- Is that the truth?

- Yeah.

That's the little Asian motherf***er

that wanted to f*** on me, huh? F*** you!

I'm sorry.

Why the f*** are you guys still partying?

Someone help me.

F***, come on, Tucker.

All right, guys, now we're gonna

slow it down a little bit.

'Cause, here, to perform his original song,

You're Always Loved,

give it up for my boy Golden.

# She's the part in the movie

where it all adds up

# So caught up in her eyes

# Oh, can't look away, I'm hypnotized

- Look, man...

- No, you're right.

I'm an a**hole. And I'm selfish.

I'm sorry I dragged you

into all of this sh*t tonight.

You don't need to apologize.

I shouldn't have called you a bad friend.

I was being selfish, too.

So, um, are we cool?

We're cool.

# I will be there, I'll be there

# When the words just come out wrong

# And you're sick of the love songs

# I will be there, I'll be there

Hey, do you mind

if I borrow Jack for a little?

Not now, Kaylee!

- Duncan.

- I'm just kidding.

Go ahead, my lady.

# I'll be there to help

# Oh, yeah

# And when you're giving up

# Just know you're always loved

# You're always loved #

Hey, I'm sorry about tonight.

I was being such a b*tch.

I can't believe I...

I accept your apology.

God, he's so fat.

- Anyway, cheers, mate.

- Cheers.

You were a hero out there.

- Thanks.

- I made you a new note.

Tabitha, have you met my new best friend?

Hi, Tabitha.

I'll be right back.

That color doesn't look good on you.

Oh, really?

Scarlett?

It's me, Duncan.

You were my sex teacher this morning.

Oh, my God. Hey, you.

What are you doing here?

I'm Tucker's sister.

Oh, wow.

I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about it.

He had it coming for him.

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