Laid in America Page #8

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He's a total dick.

You're so much more beautiful in real life.

Thanks.

I'm really sorry I cut our session short.

I know it sounds kinda weird,

but I was kinda turned on by

what you were doing to the doll.

Do you wanna

finish up the lesson in my room?

I would love nothing more.

Come on.

Wait.

I've got something I need to tell you.

What? You're a virgin?

How did you know?

I could tell.

Boober?

I can help you out with that.

Take off your f***ing clothes.

Yes, ma'am.

Mmm.

You wanna learn about sex?

I'm gonna teach you

everything you need to know tonight.

Teach me everything.

You'll always remember your first time.

God bless America.

We're not virgins any more!

This is what we do.

South Africa and England.

- We go in your country and take your women.

- Whoo!

Boys, where have you been?

Your flight leaves in two hours.

I tried both your cells,

straight to voice-mail.

Sorry. Things got really, really crazy.

Were you guys at Tucker's party?

Go to your room, God damn it.

All right, guys,

you need to go pack your bags

'cause we have to leave now.

Oh, but, Jack, did you end up

hooking up with Kaylee?

Because all the moms are gonna wanna know.

She told me not to tell.

Yeah, I f***ed Tucker's sister.

Okay, didn't need to know that.

All right, hurry up, go, go.

We should have sex tonight.

Jesus, Lisa, stop it.

So I guess this is it.

Dude, come visit me in London sometime.

Only if we get kidnapped and have an orgy.

Good times.

I love you.

Love you, too, man.

Oh, yeah, don't forget about this.

My phone.

I took it from Goose

after Tucker knocked him out.

You, sir, are a legend.

Kaylee sent you some nudes, by the way.

What?

I'm only kidding.

Kaylee said she's gonna

come visit me this summer.

Scarlett said she's gonna give me

free sex lessons when I get back.

- You deserve those.

- Thanks, man.

Let me know where

you're going for college, by the way.

I'm thinking about studying abroad.

F*** yeah.

You're in, you're in. Come on, go, go.

- F***! F***!

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Sh*t.

- Wait. Wait.

Did you just come?

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm f***ing with you.

I've totally f***ed up my lines!

Where's your black friend?

The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?

Whoopi Goldberg...

# I got a big dick #

"Sorry, I can't make it today.

"I'm too much of a p*ssy

to go meet some blind niggas."

You always say that.

You're not gay, but you'd f*** a guy.

I know. No condom either, you know.

Oh, look.

You were so heroic out there.

Who my pookie bear?

I am.

Yes.

Oh, f***, my head.

Watch where you're going.

I'm gonna teach you everything

you need to know...

Okay, really? Really?

I'm f***ing with you again.

Uh-oh!

Sh*t, c*nt.

And let's just say, only one of us

left that swamp alive.

Somebody left that door open,

so you can just go on in, go ahead now.

That was good times. Have fun, Shalonda.

Yes!

You took so f***ing long...

Okay, go do your thing.

That's my ride.

I'm just gonna hop on it.

That's what she said.

You think you're Superman

'cause you look like Brandon...

Do it again.

That hurt so bad.

Chef Nelson's or whatever

the f*** it's called.

Uh, Chef Nelson's. He's got a restaurant.

The crab shack.

Yeah.

Imagine getting tag-teamed by those two.

- I totally have. Huh? What?

- What?

Suck my balls, suck my balls,

suck my balls...

All right, this is the one.

Suck my balls, my balls.

Oh, f***. Sorry!

Oh, there's an old saying,

"You open up the sleeping dragon,

"he might have sex with your mouth." Okay?

Hey, calm down, guys.

Hey we go, guys.

For f***'s sake!

- I don't know what to say.

- I don't know what to say to him.

Action.

Oh, my...

- What's funny?

- I don't know.

Everyone wants to go home, buddy.

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