Land Ho! Page #2

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juicy, it's wonderful...

and when it's dry,

it ain't worth a damn.

- I'm trying to eat more fish.

- Damn. You too.

Man, I'm getting that crap from one

of my sons, big time, you know?

Yeah, which one?

J.P. He's wanting me to eat fish...

so I'll be healthier and live

longer and all that stuff.

How are the boys? They all good?

You know, it's amazing.

They're all different.

I got one that's gay.

I got one that lives in Berlin.

I got one that converted to Judaism.

And I got one that's a regular.

I'm sorry...

that I haven't kept in

touch with the family.

Do you see Edith Ann? Do you

talk to her? You see her any?

Never.

I haven't seen her

since Patricia's funeral.

Well, that's something

that I owe you...

lots and lots and lots

of apologies for.

I wish I could've been there for you.

I knew about it.

But I just felt like, maybe me

staying away was the best thing.

I just didn't know what Edith Ann'd

do if I did show up, you know?

You got enough problems...

and she was down in the dumps

about her sister dying, you know?

Yeah.

That was a really

tough time, Mitch. That was...

tough.

Yeah.

Life goes on.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Until you kick the bucket, bud.

Yeah, I'm working on that.

- Cheers, mate.

- Yeah.

For you, the osso buco.

And for you, the Arctic char.

Thank you.

- Thank you very much, sir.

- You're welcome.

What do you think?

Anger.

Blood.

Creepy.

Very creepy.

I think I've seen this guy

in a nightmare before.

That just... That gives me

the heebie-jeebies, bud.

Goodness.

The focus moves to the left.

I like that red.

I don't like anything about that.

That's too creepy for me.

Now, this is right up my alley.

A redhead.

Firm breasts.

No bra needed.

Nipples...

like wild strawberries.

Umbilical cord...

that holds the belly button...

which will hold two to three...

shots of tequila.

And you can't see her fluffy...

but I'll bet you it's

nice and sweet as well.

Okay, well, I see a self-portrait.

I see battered

and bruised, still here.

And screw you.

Sexy Stevie Nicks.

So it's not about religion?

Top o' the morning to you, matey.

Oh, pardon moi.

- Good morning, Mitch. How are you?

- I'm just wonderful.

Good. I'm really happy about that.

Why are you here?

I went downstairs...

checked my e-mail this morning...

printed it out.

- Guess what.

- What?

A nice e-mail from my cousin Ellen.

Okay.

- Excuse me. You want a hit?

- Are you kidding? Is that what I think it is?

It's just a little joint.

- You know, I've smoked most of it...

- Okay.

- Where did you get it?

- Wouldn't you like to know.

When did you get it?

- I got it this morning.

- Oh, man. What time did you get up?

- Come on.

- I don't know.

I just couldn't sleep...

and, you know, just didn't wanna

waste my time rolling around in bed.

All right. Read the e-mail.

Tell me about it.

- You sure you don't want any of this?

- I... No.

I don't want any, man. I haven't

smoked pot since the '70s.

That... Wait a minute. The 1970s?

Yeah, the 1970s.

Damn. Boy, have you been

missing a lot, bud.

- Read the e-mail, all right? Just read it.

- Okay.

Here we go.

"Hi, Leslie."

Who's Leslie?

- I'm Leslie.

- Yeah?

- You're Leslie?

- My name is...

Leslie Mitchell.

No kidding. Why don't

you use Leslie, then?

Don't like it.

Sounds like a girl's name.

Really? I don't know. I don't think

it sounds like a girl's name.

I like Leslie Nielsen.

Like, he's really funny.

I'm glad you like it,

and it's a good name.

Okay.

"My mom just told me...

that you and a friend are in Iceland.

Well, guess what.

You're not going to believe this...

but my friend Janet and I have been

in Greenland for the last month...

and we're coming to Reykjavik today.

Wanna pick us up at the airport?

If so, e-mail back soon.

Flight info below.

Hope to see you soon.

Love, your coz, Ellen."

Now, Ellen's a hottie.

I've already e-mailed.

Told them we'd pick them up.

So guess what, baby.

We're going to party with two nice,

tight-assed ladies this evening.

That's gonna be so much fun.

Ooh, goodness, it's gonna be fun.

You said cousin, right?

Yeah, cousin.

I'm just saying is,

it's good for us...

to hang around with

good-looking women...

because good-looking women

begot other good-looking women.

Even you might get lucky.

- Yeah.

- I've seen you look at the women...

in those leggings that

they wear around...

that looks like their ass is

sculptured out of granite, except...

they do...

the slishy-sloshy.

When they walk,

they go slishy-sloshy...

slishy... I see your eyes

light up. You bastard.

Why don't you admit that you love

to look at ass and tits, okay?

- What's wrong with you?

- Absolutely not.

Boy, you such a bullshit artist.

I got you. I got your ass this time.

Yeah, all right. All right.

Did you watch the Super Bowl

game where the Saints won?

No, man, I didn't. I missed it.

Damn, honey. That's like a

fantasy of mine come true.

You know, you talk

about a fantasy story.

I was at a bar in New Orleans...

John Goodman comes up to me, starts

talking, asks me to go duck hunting.

You know John Goodman. He was...

- Yeah. Yep.

- ...Dan Conner in the Roseanne show.

Who would have thought that he

would ask me to go duck hunting?

Was there a spaceship

up above the bar...

that was manipulating him?

Who's to say that...

there's not somebody out there...

who's planning and playing us...

like little dolls, you know?

They're moving us around

like we're on a chessboard.

You know, it's like this

is all science fiction.

Reality, that we think

about it, doesn't exist.

And you might not even be here.

- I'm pretty sure I'm here.

- You don't know if you're here.

You might be somewhere else.

You might be in a test tube...

- I'm...

- You could be drifting around in space.

He's, like, a little bit eccentric.

- Okay.

- Just so you know.

- Okay.

- Oh, boy. I think that's them.

That's a ginormous car.

- Is there a fire over there?

- What?

A fire. You see...?

Is there a fire over there?

Where?

Oh, I see you now. It's your

ass that's so hot, it's on fire.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Leslie.

Don't call me Leslie.

Now hold it right there.

- Walk a little bit closer.

- Okay.

Let me take a couple

pictures of you girls.

Hold it right there.

Give us a big smile.

Alrighty. Got it, girls.

Didn't they have any

big cars available?

Come here, doll baby.

- Thanks for getting us.

- I'm so happy to see you.

- Good to see you too.

- It's good to see you.

- You too.

- And this is your friend?

- Janet.

- Nice meeting you, Janet.

- Hi.

- Hi, Janet.

- Hi.

- Colin.

- Nice to meet you.

- I'm Ellen.

Hi, Ellen.

- Dr. Mitch.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Janet has a question for you.

- Shoot, baby.

It's a medical question.

Sorry, I'm sure it's annoying...

to have people always bothering

you about questions like that.

My friends and family do it

to me all the time. Go on.

Okay, well, when we

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