Land Ho! Page #3

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were taking off...

I just felt like my heart

skipped a beat a couple times.

Do you feel faint right now?

No, I feel okay now.

Well, you know, I've got my stethoscope

and blood pressure cuff in the room.

We'll check out your ticker

when we get to the hotel.

- Okay. All right, thanks.

- How's that?

- Where the hell's y'all's luggage?

- They lost it.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Lost it here?

Oh, golly.

They left it in Nuuk.

Nuuk?

Reminds me of a trip to Italy.

They lost my luggage and,

boy, was that a...

Well, your mama must have

told you about that trip.

Damn, I thought she would.

Well, let's hit the road, guys.

Rock and roll.

Okay.

Hold it.

Okay, breathe.

Your ticker's fine. Normal

sinus rhythm, no murmurs.

Okay.

What y'all doing? Like two

vultures looking down at me.

You're messing up my bedside manner.

What's wrong?

Fascinating to see you work, man.

- For a change?

- Yeah, Leslie.

Damn it, I don't know how many times

I'm gonna tell y'all not to call me Leslie.

- But I can't call you Mitch.

- What if I called you Oscar?

Well, if that was my God-given

name, then that would be fine.

I don't think any god would

give you the name of Oscar.

I'll call you Uncle L

instead, that's better.

That's... Hell no,

don't call me Uncle L.

I'm not your uncle,

I'm your cousin once removed.

But it's kind of uncle-ish.

- No, it's not kind of uncle-ish.

- Kind of like an uncle.

No, not like kind of like an uncle.

Not uncle-ish whatsoever, okay?

Never an uncle.

You know, she just does this

to aggravate me, you know?

- We just fight like this all the time.

- That's not true. She's just being a turd.

- Trying to get my goat, okay?

- Tea for the ladies.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

So you girls up for a big party,

going out to dinner tonight?

We'll go out and splurge,

have the best dinner we can find.

Sounds pretty good.

I mean, a big night on the town.

- Remember, I'm a vegetarian, right?

- Oh, God, yes, I forgot about that.

I'm sure at a fancy

restaurant like that...

they'd have rabbit food

for you to gnaw on.

- Okay.

- You're not a vegetarian?

No, I eat meat.

Thank God. I can tell with your

beautiful complexion, you know?

I'm not gonna say anything about that

vegetarian complexion over there.

If y'all got some better

clothes than that...

something that's a little more,

you know, feminine.

Little more showing stuff

and everything, or...?

- Because this is gonna be a big night.

- Can we just wear this?

I think your outfit

looks very matronly.

I mean, it really does.

It look matronly.

And I think you both need...

You have some nicer clothes than this?

- Sorry.

- Our luggage is gone.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you my

gold Granite credit card.

Y'all go out and spend

as much as you want to.

If you wanna go get

a manicure, pedicure.

It's all on me, anything you want.

But I want it to look nice, please.

- You really don't need to do that.

- I know I don't need to, but I'm going to.

Your mama helped me out

a lot when I was a kid.

And I'm just... Payback.

This is like a karma situation.

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

This is my party, okay. Y'all are part of it.

- Okay, thank...

- We got that settled?

- Thank you. Sounds good.

- Thank you.

Let's go and have a joint now.

Kind of puts me a dark place.

- You?

- No, thank you.

Ain't happening.

Three party poopers.

Boy, I can't believe this.

You had to cause a scene

and be a pain the ass, huh?

I wasn't being a pain in the ass.

What do you think they're gonna

think, we're pains in the ass?

They're not gonna think we're pains

in the ass. I don't like two things.

I don't think the waiter

was put off much.

Probably won't spit in our food.

- And by the way, y'all's clothes.

- What's wrong with our clothes?

Looks like you bought four or

five T-shirts, cut them up...

and stapled them together

to make your outfits, okay?

So, Janet, sorry, but you look

like a damn toddler, okay?

But you, lady, I can't believe you.

Looks like that you got

into Janet Reno's closet.

And the outfit you got on right now

looks like a lesbo tennis outfit.

Perfect. That's what I like.

When you got what you all have,

we got two good-looking women...

you need to flaunt it, okay?

You know, a sheer blouse.

A short skirt.

- High boots that show your legs.

- Okay.

And use that frosty lip stuff

that looks so wonderful.

So here we have the Friulano grape

from Friuli in northern Italy.

It's a light, oaky taste,

very fruity.

With a smoky aftertaste.

It's excellent, thank you.

To a wonderful evening, ladies.

Thank you so much.

And I think you're dressed superbly.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

How long have you known each other?

- It's about six years now.

- Yeah.

From school?

We're both PhD candidates

at Columbia...

- ...but we're in different departments.

- PhD, wow.

Okay, so, what are you studying?

I'm studying northern native communities

and basically kind of focusing...

on how climate change would affect

the, you know, their way of life.

Anyway, Janet studies Jewish mysticism,

which is really fascinating.

Jewish mysticism. Are you Jewish?

No, I'm not Jewish.

Shucks. I was gonna drain

your brain a little bit.

- My son converted to Judaism...

- Okay.

...several years ago and I always wanted

to learn a little bit more about that.

Yeah.

But my daughter-in-law is kind of,

you know, she's kind of a pain...

and I just didn't wanna

give her the satisfaction...

- ...of me asking her to find out about it.

- Right, okay.

All right, here we have baked

and marinated rutabaga...

cheese foam, sweet and sour

herbs and a crispy millet.

So why are you two in Iceland?

Getting our groove back.

- All right. Good.

- Back in the groove.

- Get us back in the groove.

- Sure.

My wife and I separated and Mitch

thought I needed cheering up.

- That was his second wife.

- Okay.

I'm gonna give you a

little history, Janet.

We were married to sisters.

I was married to Edith Ann.

And he was married to Patricia.

Edith Ann and I split,

we had our differences.

I love Edith.

We won't wanna go there, believe me.

You don't wanna go there.

Okay.

Anyway, Pat no longer

would allow Colin...

to come out and play

with nasty, dirty Mitch.

Okay? Kind of kept him

locked in the house.

No, she didn't keep me

locked in the house.

How did you and Patricia meet?

I was in the symphony orchestra

and she was in the choir.

He was great French horn player.

Do you still play?

No, no, I gave it up.

Got a normal job at a bank.

- I actually have to pee, do you wanna...?

- Oh, sure.

You girls don't fall in, now.

I think Janet's probably

got the hotsies for you.

They're probably in there

talking about you right now.

That would make absolutely

no sense whatsoever.

Why not?

I just don't want to talk about

younger women. It's just depressing.

- You know, I'm...

- May we clear you plates, gentlemen?

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