Land Ho! Page #4

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- Thank you.

- Please.

Go on.

I know you're trying to cheer me up.

But I wish you would stop bringing

this up and stop needling me.

- I'm not needling you.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

- You're looking for an argument, mate.

See, when you say "mate,"

I know you're pissed.

That's the only time you...

Didn't take you ladies very long.

No. We're very impressive that way.

I wanna know about Jewish mysticism.

Oh, what do you wanna know?

I wanna know how it differs

from regular Judaism.

Okay, well, mysticism is focused

on directly experiencing God.

And there's also this idea about...

everything that you can observe

and understand about the world...

is only a fraction of its real truth.

So there's, like, a superficial reality

that's the one that you're familiar with.

But then underneath that there's a divine

energy that's sort of, like, the real truth.

Da Vinci Code. Yeah?

I mean, sort of.

It's different, but it's the same...

You can't write a thesis

on The Da Vinci Code.

I'm sure someone has done that.

- Spooky.

- Of course.

It is pretty spooky, actually.

It's put me in the mood to read a

lot of supernatural stories recently.

Like?

Well, this one, yeah, there's one

I read recently that's more for fun.

It has nothing to do

with Jewish mysticism.

So here I have a rose from Provence

with a bit of a peppery bite.

Bite of pepper.

What happens in the story?

- You want me to tell the whole thing?

- Yeah, go for it.

The story's about

these two travelers.

And they're out on a moor and

they're starting to get lost.

They don't know which way the village is.

They keep going over hill after hill.

Keep thinking it'll be, you know,

after the next one, but it isn't.

So just as they're getting worried they

might have to sleep out on the moor...

they come to this

beautiful old house.

Creepy old house?

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty creepy.

And there's a young woman sitting

out front, she's having her tea.

She invites them over. Once she finds

out that they're lost she invites them...

- ...to stay the night with her.

- A threesome.

Well, no, she invites them to

stay in one of her guestrooms.

Okay.

And so they're trying to

get settled and go to sleep.

And then they start hearing all

these footsteps around them...

but they can't really tell

where it's coming from.

So then the one guy hears a yell,

and he goes out into the hallway...

and sees the door to his

friend's room is open...

and his bed is empty and the

sheets are thrown on the floor.

So he runs downstairs.

And he gets down there just in time to

see a servant closing this heavy door.

All right, guys, so here we have some

hand-picked beetroots, walnuts...

some smoked fresh cheese,

pickled red onions and radish sprouts.

- Hope you enjoy.

- Thank you.

All right, keep going, keep going.

Okay, so the guy goes through

the door to find his friend...

and they get lost in this

labyrinth of hallways...

that are winding back and forth

and sloping up and down...

so that they can't tell where

they are in the house.

Then the walls are glowing.

They're green and moist.

Damp, like slime on the

walls or something?

Yeah. So they eventually find

this group of other people...

but all of their faces

have been eroded.

So they're just completely smooth...

and they can't speak.

They can only, like, murmur.

So the guys figure out

that the house is alive...

and what happened is this guy,

hundreds of years ago, died...

and he grew a house out

of his brain essentially.

So the house became like his body...

that was sprouting from

the life left in his brain.

- Right.

- Damn.

And so for him to survive he has

to trap people in the house...

and slowly digest them over time.

So who was the woman?

- The woman was his wife, but his wife...

- Was his wife?

Yeah, well, she's

actually part of him now.

- God.

- Because at some point he digested her.

- Oh, God.

- So that she could become part of him.

And lure in people.

At then at the end the two

guys do find this guy...

and they smash his head with a rock.

You know, Colin, you kind

of remind me of my dad.

Really?

- Oh, yeah, I can see that.

- Least you didn't say granddad.

Great-granddad.

Yeah, I mean,

I didn't mean it like that.

Don't worry. I was just kidding.

I'm not sensitive about my age.

You know, we're the oldest

people in here. By a lot.

What?

I took a look around and I think

we're the oldest people in here.

Another guy, he's about 45.

There's nobody else.

Still can't hear you.

Forget it.

Long time since I've been

anywhere like that, mate.

It's kind of invigorating,

don't you think?

- You think so?

- I think so.

- You're in a bad mood still?

- No, I'm not in a bad mood.

- I'm in a great mood.

- You're in a bad mood.

- Yeah, sure.

- I'm always in a good mood.

- Good. Good for you.

- Come on, come on, come on.

Americans.

No, bloody Australian.

You are American.

- You are Australian.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Correct.

- What are you guys doing? You look old.

- Cheers, man.

- You look dusty.

- We came with a couple young ladies.

You look like Rolling

Stones in, like, 30 years.

I can see it on your face,

you've been smoking a lot of weed.

And you gotta light me up right now.

- I can do that.

- You have to.

Looks like you're already lit,

but I'll light you anyway.

Yeah, I need it.

There you go.

We need to get trippy before

we light up these glow sticks.

- What's a glow stick?

- This is a glow stick.

- What the hell is this?

- You do it like this. You break it.

- All right, yeah.

- You wave it around, put it in your beer.

Oh, my goodness, that is so...

- Another one, another one, another one.

- Glow in the dark beer.

- That's really cool.

- Yeah, yeah.

- It's a good thing.

- Cheer, cheer, cheers.

- Want a drink of that?

- No.

Hey, guys? Guys, I need your help.

Ellen got really drunk.

She's passed out in the bathroom.

Oh, sh*t.

Well, it's settled. You girls are gonna

be bunking in one of our rooms tonight.

- Colin and I can bunk in the other room.

- No.

- No, you don't have to do that.

- I know we don't have to do that.

- We'll just stop here.

- It's already decided.

- Look at this.

- We can't carry your ass all the way.

Put on your big-girl panties so

we can get on back to the hotel.

Damn, there goes that

tickle-box again.

- Come on.

- Sometimes I just walk home like this.

Yeah, looks like you're

walking on air, you know?

Air you going my way?

Careful. Don't forget your

big-girl panties now.

- Where's Colin?

- We're going home right now.

- Is he putting on his big-girl panties?

- Come on, now.

This is not funny at all, okay?

- Let's get gorditas. I'm gonna be sick.

- We'll be there before daylight.

Where's Colin Lansky at anyway?

- We're here.

- Yeah, we made it.

I'm sorry, Mitch.

- Nothing to be sorry for.

- I ruined our big night.

No, you didn't ruin anything.

You didn't ruin anything.

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