Land Ho! Page #5

---

Tell Colin I said sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you for picking me

up and taking me home.

You're welcome, but it's okay.

- Just try to rest.

- Okay.

- Mitch?

- Yeah, baby.

I'm sorry you had to retire.

What do you mean?

My mom said you...

They made you retire.

No, I just retired on my own.

Just don't worry about it,

and you get some rest, okay?

Sweet dreams, doll.

Janet, she's crashed and burned.

Okay.

- Colin, you got everything you need?

- Yeah, I've got it.

Mitch?

Are you awake?

Yeah, I can't saw a

toothpick let alone a log.

You want to see what's on television?

This will probably help

you sleep a lot, boy.

God.

Jesus.

You are such a child.

Help me.

Bye, girls.

Boy, it feels great to

be out of the city, huh?

Yeah, into the wild.

Yeah, but, you know,

it's not really wild yet.

They got roads here.

When we get out where there's no roads,

that's where it's gonna be. That's wild.

Wanna hear about Gullfoss?

Sure.

Alrighty.

"Iceland's most famous waterfall.

Gullfoss is a spectacular

double cascade.

Whether or not you're suitable

impressed can depend on the weather.

On sunny days, the spray

creates shimmering rainbows...

and it's also magical in winter

when the falls glitter with ice.

On gray days, mist can

envelop the second drop...

making Gullfoss

slightly underwhelming."

I know I'm not gonna be underwhelmed.

I'm gonna be overwhelmed.

It's gonna be so much fun there.

What else we got going on?

- We got the geysers.

- Oh, sh*t, man, the geysers.

My favorite.

- Yeah, I love geysers.

- I've never seen a geyser, man.

Really? I've seen a few of them

and, man, they're so much fun.

You just watch them. You know,

it's just like this big explosion.

Like a big cum shot right

straight up into the sky.

You know, like the devil's exploding.

Okay.

What else?

I'm almost afraid to say.

I wanna see a lighthouse.

A lighthouse? I've seen

millions of lighthouses.

But you haven't seen an

Icelandic lighthouse, have you?

No. No, I haven't.

Good.

Lighthouses remind me...

of rock hard c*cks with no balls.

Come on, Colin, give me

some good ones, baby.

What if I lean on it?

That's wonderful.

Lean on the sun of a gun.

All right, hold on, now.

Now put your other leg over just

a little bit more over that way.

Move your hand back up to the left.

Okay, over a bit more to your left.

Right there. Hold it. Perfect. Go.

All right, that's wonderful.

Geometrically perfect.

Hey, ass shot. Dumb & Dumber.

All right.

Wiggle it down there, baby. Wiggle.

Shake it down there. Shake it.

Yeah, there you go.

You're looking very nice

down there, baby, yeah.

Hey, your best side, darling.

Good. Oh, no, that's great.

- Somebody stop me.

- Hold it right here.

I got it.

Have you seen

The Last of the Mohicans?

What?

I said, have you seen

The Last of the Mohicans?

You think we can sleep in this thing?

Sleep in it?

Why would you wanna know?

I mean, if we had to,

we could do it for one night.

Just lay back. It's almost like

we got a house on wheels.

Like camping out like

when I was a kid.

I can't see you as a kid, you know?

Well, I know I can't

see you as a kid.

I always thought you were

just like there, right?

You on Facebook?

No, how about you?

Yeah, I opened an account...

- ...when Katie split up with me.

- Yeah.

I thought it would be a

good way to be more social.

You know, all my kids are on Facebook.

They have a good time. They like it.

Yeah, mine is too.

Well, did it really

help your social life?

Well, yes and no.

I connected with some

friends in Australia.

And then I found out that Katie

was on Facebook as well.

What did you find out?

Well, she had her

settings kind of private.

Then I found her boyfriend's page.

And there were photos

there of them together...

- ...and, you know, holding hands...

- Yeah.

...and walking off into

my f***ing sunset.

What in the hell really happened

between you and Katie anyway?

- Well, we opened a shoe business.

- And?

She had a shoe designer friend

and they opened a storefront.

People would log in,

vote for the shoes they wanted...

and then they would make the shoes...

depending on what led the requests.

That sounds like a

bullshit gimmick to me.

Yeah, well, it sucked a big one,

man, because it went broke.

And I'm a... I put a lot

of my money into that.

- Pretty much my whole savings.

- Right.

And then Katie gets on my back...

because I wasn't behind

it enough "spiritually."

- Oh, spiritually.

- Yeah, thank you very much.

I could not believe her.

Well, some women you just can't make

happy no matter what you do, you know?

I don't want much.

Someone to talk the news over with.

Someone to have breakfast with,

have a cup of tea.

Sleep with at night.

It can't be that difficult, can it?

I don't know.

Yeah, Strokkur, he's conjuring.

- Do you want some accompaniment?

- Yeah.

Give me a little background

music there, will you?

- Nothing's happening.

- Come on, Strokkur.

- Why are you dancing? You that excited?

- I'm excited about this. You kidding me?

- Gonna wet your pants?

- No.

I've already gotten my pants wet.

Come on, Strok.

Come on, stroke it out of there.

All right, here we go.

Hey, abra-cadabra.

You're gonna make me cry. Hurry up.

Get on out of there. Come on.

Something's...

There he is.

All right.

How about that, Mother Rue?

You got that one?

How good did that feel?

- That's fantastic.

- Are you smiling?

I can't see jack crap, man.

Hold on. Windshield wipers.

God, I can't see nothing.

Here, take my camera.

All right. We got another one.

All right.

What do you think about that mother?

That is unbelievable.

- Now tell me you're not having fun.

- Yeah.

We did it.

Let's go for three. Number three.

- We want number three.

- Yes, yes, yes.

Hey, honey, how you doing?

Oh, jeez.

Sweetheart.

Oh, you're gorgeous.

When did you retire?

Ellen said you retired.

- Yeah, about a month ago.

- Yeah, how come?

Times change, people change.

What about you, a**hole?

Why did you retire?

I retired because I could.

Now I'm looking at going back to work,

but I don't want to go back to work.

Come on, let's take a walk.

Let's take a walk.

It's dark, mate.

Yeah, but I've got the

lightning sticks. Come on.

- Yeah, what do I do with that?

- You crack it.

- Crack it?

- And it glows.

You can't see with those.

I was in the Marine Corps.

Come on, get your ass up.

Do they use glow sticks

in the Marine Corps, Mitch?

No.

- Mitch?

- Yeah?

- I can't see anything.

- You can see me. That's all that matters.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's a bonus.

Wait a minute.

- Did you hear that?

- What? What?

Listen.

Oh, it's one of those bears

that might come eat your ass.

There's no bears in Iceland, Mitch.

Polar bears float in on icebergs

here all the time, boy.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, God.

- What did you step in?

- Oh, God. I don't know.

Let's go up here to the top of this

little mountain here. This hill.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes