Land Ho! Page #6

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- What hill?

- This little hill right up here.

- You can see a hill?

- Yeah, right up here.

- Yeah, you who can't see at night.

- Get up here so we can get a better view.

- Man, this is an adventure.

- You can't see a hill.

We can see the...

- Yeah, it's probably a cliff.

- Yeah, but... Come on.

Come on, Mitch.

- I think we're off the path, Colin.

- Great.

Where do you think the path is?

I don't know. I don't know.

We've lost track of

the hotel for a while.

You know, this reminds me...

when I was fox hunting with

my grandpa back in Kentucky.

I had to go to the bathroom and I wasn't

gonna take a crap out there in the woods.

And I got lost for three or four hours

trying to make it back to grandpa's house.

- Really.

- That's encouraging.

- Which way do you think we should go?

- You're leading. You tell me.

This is like one of

those horror movies.

Out here in the middle

of nowhere, you know?

I don't know why I listen to a word

you say, Mitch, because it's all bullshit.

Why do we have to be out here?

- Why do we have to stumble in the dark?

- We're having an adventure.

Yeah, but you went for it.

Yeah, that's because you

won't take no for an answer.

All right? It always

has to be your way.

I'm Mitch. I'm the f***ing Marine.

Remind me. Next time I'll bring

somebody else with me to Iceland.

Yeah? You got some other

ex-relations that you can bamboozle?

- Oh, yeah.

- Why are you always on the move?

Why don't you just stop? Stay still.

- Don't you ever just wanna sit?

- Life is too f***ing short.

- And look out the window.

- Life is too short to sit still.

Yeah, I want the rest of my life to be more

relaxed than this experience, all right?

I'll get you a rocking chair.

- You can sit on your porch.

- F*** it, Mitch.

Wake up.

Damn, I was just getting comfortable.

It's light enough to

make our way back.

You know which way it is?

I heard y'all talking...

- ...and are y'all from the States?

- Yeah.

Hey, how about that. Me too.

So, what y'all doing here, anyway?

We're actually on our honeymoon.

- Moon! Oh, honeymoon.

- Yeah.

So how long y'all been married?

- It's day four.

- Couple days, yeah.

- Four days?

- Yeah.

Four days, that's wonderful.

The advice that my grandpa

gave me, I'll give y'all.

Just remember:

Don't let the sun rise or set

on a problem that you have...

and you'll do right by yourselves.

What y'all been doing here?

- We haven't done that much yet.

- Been staying in your room?

- Yeah.

- Little bit.

How many times have you hit

the mat in the last four days?

Oh, no comment?

Believe it or not, I spent my

honeymoon at Walt Disney World.

Can you imagine that?

Oh, is that a bunch

of crap, huh? Yeah.

But guess what, that's what we did.

Now, are y'all gonna have kids, now?

How old are y'all anyway?

Well, now, hold on a minute.

Let me guess, okay?

This gorgeous young thing over here

with that beautiful skin, beautiful face...

I say she's 21.

And for you, I'm gonna go 26.

Was that...? How close? Was I right?

- No.

- I'm 35, she's 30.

Are you kidding me?

That gorgeous thing looks like

she just stepped out of a cradle.

She is so young. I figured they

might be gonna put you in jail.

If you were 35, they could put

you in jail for that, you know.

- I don't know about that.

- Because she looks...

a lot younger than 30.

One little thing I wanna tell you...

and I don't want her to hear,

so I'll whisper it in your ear.

Here, just a sec, okay?

Just remember:

She's always, always right.

Never wrong.

No matter what she says, you say,

"Yes, ma'am. You're right."

Just keep on that right track,

and you'll be okay.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

Pleasure, pleasure of life.

Maybe we'll do breakfast in

the morning. How's that sound?

- Yeah, maybe.

- Yeah. Maybe in the morning.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Mitch!

- God!

- I'm sorry.

I knocked on the door,

you didn't answer.

- I needed to talk to you.

- What time is it?

Oh, it's really late.

For Pete's sake, it's really late.

It's really late.

When I'm freaking out, man,

I need to talk to you.

Between us get hung

out there in that field...

and Janet's story she told

us the other night...

this place reminds me of a

ghoulish place, you know?

- Just, just chill.

- Freaking out. Really freaking.

- Freaking. Freaking!

- Jesus.

- I'm freaking.

- God.

Just need somebody to talk to.

It's okay. I've forgiven you.

Everything's fine.

You're a grown man.

I'm going to bed.

- All right?

- Now, hold it.

Stay up just a little bit. Come on.

Chat with me. Please.

Please.

Do you have any pot with you?

- Do I have any pot with me?

- Do you?

- Well, let's...

- You know I always have pot with me.

- I thought it was a stupid question.

- Yeah.

How about we have some. All right?

I tell you what, you mentioning

that almost makes me cry.

Thank you.

Okay.

Does this bring back any

memories, you turd?

A buddy and I...

we were smoking this stuff...

and we were outside shooting

wine casks with a shotgun.

Then the guy with the shotgun saw

a rat climbing up the wall of the house.

- Was it a real rat?

- It was a real rat.

Okay.

I thought it might've been

you climbing up the wall.

It was the most amazing

thing, honestly.

Was just...

And I remember flying

home that night.

Flying home? Oh, cool.

- Yep.

- With no airplane, right?

That figures, you know.

There was no airplane, but I remember

definitely drifting above the road.

It was really good stuff.

This kind, you were

just elevating, huh?

Levitating? Cool.

I like that feeling.

- I like that up, and going... How is it?

- Oh, man.

- Delicious?

- Exquisite.

Hey, good.

- You always buy good stuff.

- Ought to be, it's expensive.

But it's good Icelandic stuff, man.

Turn the lights off when you leave.

Hey, you're not gonna

go to sleep on me, huh?

All right, go ahead.

I'll hang around for a while.

- Yeah, why don't you.

- Okay.

And just so I won't be...

So I won't be lonesome,

I'll make sure nobody bothers you.

- Okay?

- Okay. Tell you what.

Do whatever you want, Mitch.

It's... You're cool, man.

- We try.

- Thank you very much.

- This is what it's all about.

- Elvis has left the building.

Elvis is levitating

out of the building.

Right on up through the roof.

God, that stuff is strong.

Sure is.

Just cruising, baby. Just cruising.

Know what we need

to liven up this trip?

Let's start off by naming our five

favorite celebrity females...

that we'd like to have sex with.

I'll start off.

Number one:
Demi Moore.

Her hips.

Julia Roberts,

her lips, is number two.

Number three:

Everything about Halle Berry.

- Number four:
Jenna Elf man.

- All right, all right.

- Her long, long legs.

- All right.

You know what? I don't like lists.

That's what they do on Facebook.

Rank everything.

Just leave it alone.

And I really, really question

Julia Roberts. Totally.

She was great in Pretty Woman, man.

She did it for free, she did it for money.

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