Landline

1

[birds tweeting]

[heavy breathing]

- Is this good?

- No.

- Sorry. Lower?

- Yeah, yes.

- Good, good.

- Okay.

This is awesome.

[breathing heavily]

- You can come if you want to.

- Okay, I'm about to.

- Good.

- Are you gonna come?

- Eh...

[fly buzzes]

Did you hear that?

- Huh?

- Like a woodland creature

pitter patter?

- Okay, the plan is to have

sex in the woods.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay. Are you okay?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- You sure?

- Because I kind of feel like

maybe you're not into it.

- Oh! Oh!

- Oh, my God.

I fell. I'm sorry. A bug.

- What is it?

- Sorry.

- Okay.

- A spider.

I'm sorry.

- [sighs]

No, it's okay. It's cool.

- I'm not a woodland person.

- [kiss]

Okay.

Do you want me

to help you finish or--

- No, I--my parents.

- Okay.

- Let's get in the car.

- Lights, trash, door.

- Traffic's gonna be

a nightmare.

- Bye, house,

see you next summer.

- What did you put

in these bags?

- I have no idea.

- It's like dead bodies.

- Here and here.

Up front, please.

- Pat, can I help

with anything?

- Ali, Ali, Ali, no.

No, no, no!

No.

- I rode b*tch here.

- Okay

- Okay?

- No, and you can

ride it back.

- I don't want to.

- Well...

- Guys, I can sit

in the middle.

- Hit it.

all:

Bring me a higher love

Oh oh

Bring me a higher love

Oh oh

- Break me a higher love

- Oh, Dana.

- Do it.

- It's "bring."

- What?

- "Bring."

- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.

- "Break me a higher love"

like...

Like you--like you

have to break me

if you want me to love

like on such a high plain.

- Alan, is it bring or break?

- Ben's right, sweetie.

"Bring."

- Break...

- Ali, I revised

the Michigan app.

So do you want to talk through

the comments with me or...

- Not really because

I don't want to go there.

- Honey, you need to cast

a wide net.

- Yeah, I'm sorry my future

is so stressful for you,

but I'm not applying there.

- I didn't say

it was stressful.

- Guys, you really need

to get a grip, okay?

Because Ali doesn't want

to go anywhere

unless everybody wears berets

and all they all smoke

clove cigarettes

and they all make

their own hummus

but they eat it

out of Frisbees.

- I can see

your boyfriend's come stain.

- Ali!

- Shut up!

- God.

- It's her fiance.

You can see

her fiance's come stain.

- God, it smells like

a K.D. Lang concert

down there.

- Shut up! Shut up!

- F*** you.

- Shut up!

- Take a chill pill, please?

- F*** you!

- It's not new for me

to be able to say swears.

Slow down, sweetie.

- Hey, guys, relax.

- Bring me a higher love

Oh yeah

A higher love

Higher higher higher

Bring me a higher love

[muted TV sounds]

- Have yourself a dental dam.

But, of course, I'm going

to be using this later

so I don't want

to ruin this later.

- Suck my dick.

Kim Deal's my hero.

Whatever.

[knocking]

- School starts

in eight hours.

- Okay, give me seven seconds.

- It's after midnight.

- I'm getting off.

- Good night, Jed.

- No, I think she has

a crush on you.

- Ali.

- Okay, good night.

[laughs]

- Jed speaks.

What was he saying?

- I don't know.

Butt stuff.

- [laughs]

Oh, I love you, good night.

[door shuts]

- Love you.

[traffic sounds]

- Thank you.

- This is for you.

- Great belt.

Oh, I think

I'm getting a rash.

- You got to stop

touching that.

- So, is this guy you're seeing,

is this the--

[flutters lips]

What do you call it?

Smash slam poetry?

- Ew, no, no.

No, I broke up with him.

No, this guy

is a performance artist.

- Oh.

- Major upgrade.

- We ended up drinking

on his roof

and having one of those

epic conversations

until the sun comes up,

you know the kind?

- Ben and I spent

three hours at Blockbuster.

And, uh, we got "Curly Sue."

- Sexual.

- It's a good film.

[laughs]

In fact, it's really funny.

[laughs]

- Mr. Rubicky

Has got

a very small dicky

[both laugh]

[giggles]

He lost it

in his car

His dick has traveled

so far

[both giggle]

Go and kick him

in the nuts

He's a motherfucking putz

- Mm-hmm.

- That's--that's it.

That's all I have.

- That was the best song ever.

- Do you have

any perfume?

My mom's like

a drug-sniffing dog.

- Perfume. I don't think

dudes wear--

- Like, some of that

man spray.

- This stuff.

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

- Here we go.

- Okay. Spray me.

- Oh, okay. Right.

[spraying]

- Whoa, that's a lot.

[laughs]

I didn't want a lot.

Hi.

- Hey, there.

- Oh.

- Floor, please.

What is that?

You got schmutz all over here.

What is that?

Did you parallel park yet?

I'm very good at it,

so it should be

a cinch for you.

- Smells good.

- Don't get too excited.

It's leftovers.

- [sighs]

You know, when kids

in my class wore shoes like this

it meant they had polio.

- Yes, they do look

a little corrective.

- What did you do today?

- Crack.

- You know what I did?

I wrote beautiful copy

for fake Oreos.

- [laughs]

- Anyone for a Yum Yum?

- Aw, yeah.

- Honey, that stuff

will give you cancer.

- Guess what?

George offered to host a reading

of my play at his house.

- That's great, honey.

Plenty of booze, no food,

a bunch of self-righteous

Upper West Siders.

Hey, has anyone spoken

to Dana this week?

There is a sale at Kleinfeld's.

- Did they pick a date?

Because I bet

it's my birthday.

- No, not yet.

I was hoping the dress

would sort of get her excited.

- So you'll come

to the reading then?

- I don't know,

are you inviting me?

- I want the whole family.

You, Ali, me, Ben, and...

you know, what's her face,

the one with the D.

- Yes, Dana.

- Douchebag.

- Her name is not douchebag.

That's too German.

Douchebag.

Dana Douchebag.

[muted chatter]

[water spraying]

- Okay, switch.

Okay, I need to wash.

- Okay, hold on.

Wait a second.

- What?

- What is that?

- What?

- Right there, that rash.

- [gasps]

Oh my God. Come on!

- Sorry, sorry.

It's on your arm too.

- Oh, I've been itching

all week.

- [garbled mumbling]

I think you might

have poison ivy.

- What?

Excuse me.

- What?

- How did I get poison ivy?

- That was a joint decision.

- You gave me poison ivy.

- It's probably

in my vagina.

- You want me to look?

- No! Geez.

- Oh, I should probably

pee on you.

- [laughs]

That move is for jellyfish.

I'm not stupid.

- No, it's for poison ivy too.

- [laughs]

- I think it is.

- You want to pee on me?

[laughs]

- Here we go, here we go.

- No! We just have--

- Shh!

- Are you doing it?

- Just quiet down.

- All right, do it, do it.

- I can't pee on command.

- Do it before I change my mind.

Do it, do it.

- Listen, okay, there it is.

- Oh my God.

- You want me to stop.

- No.

- No?

- I like it.

[sitar music]

- He was touring

with the Grateful Dead

for, like, many months.

So I don't even know

what this place is or--

- He wasn't touring.

He was following them.

He probably has lice.

- Making grilled cheese

sandwiches in the parking lot.

- [gasps]

- Hey, Ravi!

- Oh my God.

- Oh my God. Look at you.

- Look at me?

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