Landline Page #2

Look at you.

- You're back. Aw.

- Embrace me, brother.

Embrace me.

You get a head hug too.

- Hi, I'm Ben.

What's your--what's your name?

- This is--this is Table.

- Table?

- Off the bat,

she's taken a vow of silence.

- Oh, okay. That makes sense.

- Wow.

Just in time for the party.

- Dude, we got to catch up.

- Yeah, yeah, let's catch up.

- You good?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- She's so good.

- Hurry.

- Okay.

- Let's go, let's go.

- Benjamin.

- Look at this.

- Benjamin.

- Guys, make room

for Table as well.

[indistinct chatter]

[sitar music plays]

- Did you see

what Ravi's new look is?

- [laughs]

I think he sews it himself.

- Can you imagine the Ravi

we knew in college--

- Yeah. It's different.

- Looking into the future

and seeing this?

- I know.

Well, I guess it's...

the influence of, you know,

Mrs. Table, yeah.

- He's soon to be, Mr. Table.

[laughs]

- Yeah. Hey, good for him.

- It's really sweet.

- I'm still looking

for my Table.

- [laughs]

- I really am though.

This girl

I was just with

showed up to a date

wearing a ski mask.

- [laughs]

- Serious.

She said she wanted

to know my personality

before I knew her face.

- Was she...

a normal person?

- She was kind of

a mean drunk.

[both laugh]

- [snorts]

- I'm really happy to see that

you never kicked your snort.

- I don't want

to talk about it.

- This one made it

on a foot loom.

It was slamming.

She made all of them.

Dowels, we made

like a thousand dowels.

- What is that?

- [laughs]

It's an engagement ring.

- You finally did it.

- [sighs]

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

[soft music]

[door slams]

[thumping electronic music

playing]

- Come with me.

- I'm going to go

with Sophie.

- That's so whack.

- It will help me study.

[indistinct chatter]

- That's not coke.

- I know, it's H.

- Holy sh*t.

Are we really just going

to do this right now?

- I did it with Danny

last week.

It's really not scary.

It's like climbing

back into the womb.

You won't even have

to do that much.

[sniffs]

- Call my mom

if I die.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[sighs]

[thumping music]

[exhales]

[sniffs]

[sipping]

[soft music]

[shuffling disks]

[electric whirring]

What?

[clicking mouse]

[clicking mouse]

[clicking mouse]

[gasps]

[whispers]

What the f***?

[clicking mouse]

Holy f***, Dad.

[clicking]

[dot matrix printer printing]

- In celebration

of the contributions

women make in every aspect...

- Ah, gotcha.

- Doesn't that hurt?

- This from the guy who's

gonna row over his own balls.

- As mothers, wives, sisters,

daughters...

- Wow, I love that suit.

- Traffic is gonna

be a nightmare.

We better leave soon.

- I thought we were

going to talk to Ali?

- Can we talk tonight?

She's not going clubbing

in the middle of the day.

- She went out again

last night.

I saw her pile of clothes

when I took out the trash.

- Detective Pat.

- God forbid she'd dislike you

for five seconds.

- This is not me leaving you

to be bad cop, all right?

- Bad cop.

I'm barely a crossing guard.

- All right, I really

will talk to her tonight.

I promise.

What do you think?

Two weeks no phone?

And that includes Jed.

- You know the boy's name.

- Uh-huh.

- Hmm.

- No.

- What are you, a mime?

- Yes, I studied in France.

Actually, I'm a crossing guard,

and you can't pass

without paying the toll.

[kissing]

- We may help bring

new dignity and respect...

- That is a nice suit.

- [knocking]

You up?

Bullshit.

[muted traffic noise]

[siren wailing in distance]

- McCann Erickson?

[British accent]

- Mr. Jacobs, please?

- May I ask who's calling?

- Tell him it's C.

- Please hold.

- Yeah, I'll hold.

- We all know

what we're breathing.

Whether or not he knows

that it's the same air

that jackass Giuliani

is breathing.

[laughter]

He's pouring all his money

into the police department.

Meanwhile, the rest of us

need to fight for

a different kind of enforcement.

- Pat?

Solid Waste Disposal reforms

is pushing to 3 p.m.

- Okay.

- Grannis is on line two.

And Congressman Hinchey

just called

about the cement plants again.

- Okay.

- Also, Iris

from Dalton called.

Alexandra hasn't

signed in yet.

- Uh, Alexandra

has the flu.

- [sighs]

Again? Try ginseng.

- I don't know that is.

I'll take Grannis now.

[traffic sounds]

- Thanks. Bye.

[coins jingling]

[coin clunking]

[clicking]

- You have four messages.

[beep]

- Dana, it's Laura.

You haven't gotten back to me

about book club.

You said you were

bringing the mahjong tiles.

[beep]

- Hey, babe.

I'm going to be home late.

I'm having some drinks

with some work peeps tonight.

Can you grab

some toilet paper?

[beep]

- Hi, this message

is for Dana Jacobs.

This is Samuel

from the Water Club.

If you're still interested

in having your wedding here,

please call me back at--

[beep]

- Hi, Dana, it's Mom.

There is a sale at Kleinfeld's

this weekend.

- Ugh!

[coin drops]

[sighs]

[coins jingle]

[coin drops]

Hi, this is Dana calling.

I just wanted to relay

a message to Kim and David

that I'm not going to be able

to make the staffing meeting

today.

I've eaten something wrong.

[laughs]

At lunch, and I just feel like

I need to be near

my own restroom.

Dana Jacobs.

I do our layout.

[laughs]

Yeah.

[groans]

[coin drops]

[muted rock music playing]

[cash register beeping]

[clicks]

[world music plays]

[man singing in foreign

language]

[muted world music]

[shrieks] Oh, no.

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

Whatever.

- It's okay.

Your secret's safe with me.

I won't tell anyone

you dance to world music.

- I'm not ashamed.

I think it's good

to like music from our world.

[laughs]

- Sorry, you had

a little hairball.

- [laughs]

- Where's, um...

Uh?

- Ben?

- Ben, where's Ben?

- He's at work.

What? Can nobody hang out

alone anymore?

- I feel deeply alone

at all times.

- I say accept it.

This is my first day alone

since, I don't know, 1982,

and I am really digging in.

First, I'm doing this,

and then I'm gonna skip dinner.

I'm going to go

to Serendipity,

get a frozen hot chocolate,

eat it all by myself

and then--

- Want to get a bite to eat?

- With you?

[rock music playing]

- Oh. You just had that

on hand?

- It's cool.

The cops raided this place

last night.

So we're safe tonight.

- Oh, you know what,

I have a job to get to.

- I'm kidding.

Jesus, sit down and smoke this.

- It's on fire.

[sighs]

[embers crackle]

So, do you have

any more tales

from the dating front?

- Uh, last week a girl

asked if she could strangle me.

- [spits]

- Well done.

- Don't look over here. Oh!

- I think you got

the musician.

- I would say

we'd get kicked out,

but nobody here cares

about anything.

[laughs violently]

- Yeah, you know...

All I really want

is a nice Jewish Italian girl

who just wants

to sit on the couch with me.

Watch "Mad About You."

- [laughs]

Yeah, well, Helen Hunt

has really perfected

the frontal wedgie.

So, tune in for that.

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