Landline Page #3

[giggles]

I wonder where

Helen's vagina is.

Just kidding.

We can all see it

in prime time.

- Yeah.

[laughs]

How about you and Ben?

You guys watch a lot

of Must-See TV together?

- Yeah.

[laughs nervously]

- Sounds really nice.

- Oh, save it.

You don't have to say that.

- I'm being serious.

- Yeah, it's nice.

It's very good.

It's good. We--you know.

It's very totally good.

We just brush our teeth,

and we take our clothes off,

and we get into bed,

and, if he reaches

for the candle,

I know that we're going

to have sex to the 11:00 movie.

That's really rude.

That's not even what I mean.

That's a real a**hole remark

to make, Dana.

[clears throat]

[exhales]

They really got

the heater on in here, right?

[burps]

Oh my goodness.

[laughs]

[sipping]

- How you feeling?

- Mmm, mmm.

- Mellowing out a little?

[both laugh]

- You know, I think that

the last we got stoned together

was...in your dorm room.

- I remember that, I think.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

We had a four-hour

conversation about dinosaurs.

- [laughs]

- And I then I think

some clothes came off.

- [laughs]

[sighs]

So fun.

I should go home.

- Yeah, okay.

- Whoa.

[laughs]

- You okay?

- Yeah.

I should get a cab.

- Okay, go ahead.

[sighs]

Sh*t.

[moans]

[moans]

Uh, oh my God.

[muted talk show chatter]

- You came from Second City,

didn't you?

- Mm-hmm.

- Were you in the main company?

- Main stage.

- Hey.

- I have to pee so bad.

- I'm reading

Hammacher Schlemmer.

They're advertising

the world's fastest razor blade.

There's an inversion machine

and a lot of luggage.

Babe?

- Hmm?

[gags, spits]

- Are you okay?

- I'm going to the bathroom.

- No f***ing way.

KGB surveillance binoculars?

What the f***?

Kitten Toe!

You can buy as many

as you want.

You can hook 'em up

to form a kitten village.

You can build

your own kitten village.

Babe, there's some his and hers

trench coats in here.

It says that they're packable.

I don't know what's different

about that

than regular trench coats,

but whatever.

She we go stone

or pale putty?

- Pale putty.

- This is f***ing awesome.

- [whispers] Oh, my God.

[rock music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Now it feels like

I'm on fire

It's burning low

[muted radio]

[knocking]

- Incoming.

- [shuts radio off]

Looks like Chernobyl in here.

- Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

- So you want to tell me why

I'm getting calls from school

asking where you are?

Or should I tell you

what I think I know?

- Cool choices.

- Hey.

- You tell us you did well

on the Vonnegut essay.

Meanwhile, I see you got an 83.

- You went through my stuff?

- Didn't go through your stuff.

It was on your desk.

- Well, what's an 83,

like, like a B?

- Yeah!

God, it's a good grade.

You freak.

- Your mom is trying to say

that you're smarter than a B.

- But dumb enough

to leave enough clubbing clothes

in the stairwell.

- Not entirely your fault.

We did take you

to Studio 54 in utero.

[laughs]

- You want to tell her

about the Quaaludes?

- Okay. You got me.

I got a B,

and I have a life.

You're real f***ing detectives.

- Don't you f***ing

detective me.

- You wanna know what I think?

both:
No.

- I think we should

just let her get a B.

Let her sneak out.

Hopefully, she'll get mugged.

Most people learn

from failure.

- Wow. Well, you would know.

You're the king.

- No wonder he hates you.

- What?

- Excuse me?

- You're reckless.

And grounded.

- Both of you

are so f***ed!

- Stop cursing!

Just stop it for once, Ali.

- Just get out!

- Should of just done it myself.

I was alone in there

anyway.

[phone rings]

- Hey.

There's a 6:
44.

Just meet me there now.

[slamming phone]

[clattering]

- [sighs]

[distant footsteps]

[door opening]

[door slams]

- Great, she's going out

to get mugged.

- [sighs]

No one's getting mugged.

She's too scary.

[muted announcements

over loudspeaker]

[train clattering]

[crickets chirp]

[distant train horn]

- You have to be

really quiet, okay.

[sighs]

[keys jingling]

Oh, f***.

Uh!

[reggae music plays]

[kissing]

- Did you bring condoms

this time?

- Yeah, should I get 'em now?

- Yeah.

[laughs]

[zipping]

- Should I put it on now?

[siren blaring in distance]

[reggae music plays]

[heavy breathing]

- [sighs]

[sighs]

Is the CD skipping?

- I don't think so.

- Dude, it's totally skipping.

[music stuck on loop]

- Oh, are you f***ing

kidding me?

That's embarrassing.

[clunking]

[laughter, music continues]

- Nice shot.

- Thanks.

[dramatic music plays on TV]

- Mind you have work to do.

- You hear that?

[distant rustling]

- It's probably a bear.

- Probably a bear?

- [snickers]

You're such a city kid.

- There's a bear outside?

- They can't open doors,

can they?

- How do you know that?

[tense TV music]

[thudding]

All right.

[exhales]

[door squeaks]

- Ah!

- Ah! Ah!

- [screaming]

- Dana! Dana!

- [hysterical screaming]

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- I asked you first.

- [exhales]

- I'm Jed.

- Okay.

[flutters lips]

- Can you not tell Mom

I'm here, please?

- No, obviously I'm going

to tell Mom that you were here.

- God, you're like

a tattle-tail. You b*tch!

- Actually, I'm an adult

who was coming for a quiet

weekend in the country

and found her home invaded,

and, yeah, I'm gonna tell mom

that you were here

in your underwear.

With...

- Jed.

- Jed.

[laughs]

- And both of you

need to leave right now.

- No! What--you leave.

We were here first.

- You are such an irritant!

You're a little piece

of toilet paper

that gets stuck

to somebody's shoe.

- You're like the embodiment

of constipation, okay.

- [scoffs]

Okay.

[laughs]

All right, great.

You can stay. Fine.

But he needs to leave.

And you can take him

to the train station

because you have

your learner's permit.

- No, I can't because I need

a parent to be in the car.

- Oh, please stop

Frenching in front of me.

Stop Frenching

in front of me.

[kissing]

- Why don't you

just come back with me?

- I think my sister might be

having a nervous breakdown.

[10,000 Maniacs'

"Like the Weather" plays]

I need to make sure

she doesn't tell my mom.

[distant train horn]

[car horn beeps]

Is your drug store underwear

that deep up your ass?

- What?

- See you later.

- [sighs]

- But by the force of will

My lungs are filled

And so I breathe

- [sniffs]

- Lately it seems this big bed

is where...

- Is he your boyfriend?

- Not really.

- Do you guys have sex?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

[sighs]

So, Mom has no idea

where you are?

- Does Ben know

where you are?

- Well, that's different

because Ben is not

my mom.

I'm here because

I needed to get away,

and you're a child.

You know, and you ran away

from home, and that's--

- I did not run away

from home.

I went to our family's

country house.

How much more vanilla

can that scenario get?

- Shiver in my bones

just thinking...

- Look at us

having sister time.

- Are you going to, like,

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